grasshopper, I was glad to hear what you said. I was going to post the same thing last night BUT I feel like a hypocrite 'preaching' patience when my patience account is empty. I recognize that same pattern with my H, the yoyo pattern.
lodo, how was the dinner party?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I appreciate you guys checking in on my sitch. I left for awhile yesterday and she was still short when I got home. Waited a little bit and then went to her and said she'd been really short with me, I didn't deserve that, and if there was a problem I wish she'd tell me. She apologized and said she'd woken up feeling out of sorts. I told her I was sorry she felt that way and walked outside to do yardwork.
Things had gotten pretty bad by the time we started getting ready for dinner. W got REALLY pissed because I'd bought a lot of food to have on hand for the party - not sure why. I validated her opinions but also stated my reasoning. As we started prepping, she could barely speak to me and her hands started shaking. I told her she didn't need to be there if she didn't want to be. She didn't really respond.
And then people showed up and everything relaxed and we had a REALLY good time. A new couple came who had just moved to the area and we hit it off really well with them. Lots of laughter.
After everyone left, it was like she picked the conversation up in mid-sentence, but much more relaxed. She said she didn't know what was wrong with her. I said I didn't appreciate being treated the way she had been treating me and she apologized. She said she didn't know why she wasn't herself around me or why she acted the way she did. I said I wouldn't accept being treated so rudely.
Then I told her that I recognized that things wouldn't improve unless I showed her more of the man she had married rather than the unambitious man I'd become, but it would take time. I said I wasn't trying to do that for her sake, but for myself, because that's the real me. Maybe she wouldn't be attracted to me anymore and that's fine, but I was going to reclaim my life regardless.
She again said she didn't know what was wrong with her, then mentioned that she was going to see a counselor this week. A good DB technique would have been to thank her for telling me that, but I didn't. Instead we slid into what happens next. I told her it would probably be best for her to leave. She said she hadn't unpacked because she thought I'd throw her out. I said I didn't want her to leave, I wanted to make things work, but I didn't know if she'd be open to that or not - so far that hadn't been the case. And if it upset her being in the house she should not be there. She said she was there because it was her house too.
I told her again that I didn't want her to leave but she should do what she wants, then got up, kissed her on her forehead, and went to bed. She stayed up for awhile.
This morning things are relaxed, but there's clearly a question of what happens next. We'll see - I'm staying positive for myself. I like having her here, but I think it was actually easier to DB when she was living at her aunt's.
Whew, this is hard. lodo
PS - WCW, your thread locked. Where will you start your new one?
Thought I should clarify the end of that last post a bit. She kept talking about leaving which is why I said she should do what she wanted and what would make her feel comfortable. I wasn't encouraging her to leave, but made it known that her leaving wouldn't kill me.
After I posted that, she came in and started talking about going and getting some more of her things from her aunt's. WTF? So confusing.
One thing I realize is that we've had WAY too many R talks lately. I need to get back to a light-hearted, chitchatty space for my own sake of mind. Keep things light and positive. Stay confident. Can't get sucked into her back and forth.
I think it might be time to revisit DR and see where I'm at with my goals. Maybe I should check out SSM? She certainly hasn't rejected me touching her or being close - maybe it's time to remember how to flirt.
Just wanted you to know that I too have been keeping up with your sitch. It sounds to me that you are doing all the right things. Just keep hanging in there. I know it is extremely difficult.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Well, I moved into piecing too early. W just left again. As most of you know, though, I was wondering if that would be for the best - we tried again too fast.
Very weird, too. She did this after going over to her aunt's and getting the rest of her things to bring back over here.
Anyway, spent most of the afternoon talking about it. She admitted that she was still emotionally involved with OM. Also said it was too little too late for our R, that she didn't feel like she had the energy for it. Said she didn't feel like touching me and wasn't attracted to me. Didn't get excited when I touched her. She was very concerned that she got so flipped out yesterday. Said she didn't feel like we had a connection, only a shared past, but that we were friends. Of course, all this sounds like textbook DR statements, right?
Then she asked what I wanted in a R. I told her and she said "This is where I start saying 'What's wrong with me?'". She said she needs to talk to a professional. She also said that when she thought about the future she just saw herself alone. She sat for a long time. Tried to start packing again, but couldn't decide. Finally I told her she should go if she was uncomfortable, and she did.
I think it's for the best. I knew we were jumping back into things too soon, but was just so happy that she wanted to come back. Feeling pretty crappy right now but I think in the long run this setback will help me focus on me.
Well, I am sorry to hear about this set back. I might have also jumped into piecing too soon as my H is still looking at apartments and says that he thinks out M is too broken to ever work.
The things she said does sound like typical DR statements. Give her some space and see what happens. I will keep reading your threads regardless of where you post. I am routing for you and your wife.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Thanks Sara, I'm rooting for you too. Don't concentrate on the negatives - you had some positives this morning!
I'm going to give her space. I feel so concerned, though, that her negativity is going to be the thing that ultimately does this in. I can't show her anything positive if she won't let go of her feelings about the past that she is dwelling on.
Shucks lodo, I was hoping that wouldn't happen. I know it's tough DBing while living together, they have all those constant reminders of our daily trifes to set them off! You know those horrible things - morning breath, toothpaste in the sink, dirty socks that didn't make the dirty clothes pile, and GASP! we TOUCH them! Of course none of that reality would happen in their fantasy world with the OP.
Your W seems very confused (understatement). She brings all her stuff back home, and then you have a big R talk and she leaves. I know you can't make her stay, but along with that I hear you say so often 'leave if you want' or 'it's ok for you to go'. What if you did a 180 and asked her to come back, stay and let's get help, focus on the positives. Do you know where she moved to?
I haven't started a new thread, I have to get my mind in a better place. Maybe then I can start a thread with something positive.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Our R talks actually helped rather than hindered. It's then that she usually asks what's wrong with herself. In between she concentrates on the negative and can't see having anything but our old R. She says whenever she thinks about it she feels trapped.
We talked about ways she would feel more comfortable being here and her not needing to move out. It was at that point that she said she needed to talk to a professional. She said she wanted to see C several times before talking with me again.
She's being super reactive and is all over the place. I think the best 180 I could do is detach - we've been too close lately. She needs to work through her emotional attachment with OM before she'll be able to see any sort of connection with me.
Sorry to hear you're in a negative space right now. I know it's hard. lodo
Lodo, I'm reading through your stuff, and I know this will probably come up further down the list, but...
The OM. Man it hurts, so much. But it seems like you're handling it right. I commend you. Keep it up. Don't ask about him.
Look, she is still living with you. She told you about documents to the OM. You've got a really good shot at this M. Keep the faith. The OM really, really isn't the issue.
so good job on NOT bringing OM up.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
