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lodo #1379216 03/08/08 05:22 PM
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Lodo my friend, I am sorry to read about these change in events. Her choice to go back to the OM must be very hurting (I know how it is actually), but I think you really handled yourself well. Continue to work on being friends and do split your finances. I did that when I realized that my H was spending out money on the OW. It is a wise thing for you to do at this point. I know you love her deeply and hate to see this happen. Her choices are painful but your love for her in still there. I still believe she is going to come back to you. You seem like a good man and somewhere in her confusion she knows this and loves you. Ride out this storm....

Sara


Me-31 H-38
M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs
No kids
Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06
Found out about OW 12-24-07
Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08
OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08
OW is back 4-19-08
H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08
Filed for divorce 6-5-08
Divorced 7-2-08
Starshyne #1379258 03/08/08 06:27 PM
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Hi Sara,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm okay and am actually glad she made a decision, even though it was a poor one. But I think everyone here knows why she chose the OM. "He appreciates what I'm going through (PhD)," "I have more in common with him (work)", "We just relate to each other better." Who knows, maybe they do work better together, but she and I have always been friends and able to talk about anything. Even in our worst moments we could talk. And that is still there, though she's ignoring it and doesn't think it really means anything. At least it makes it easier for me to move forward on DBing.

After all, she admitted to still caring deeply for me and that's been enough to make her move back in briefly despite her unwillingness to put energy towards R.

I know that part of this is a result of her C as well - sounds like he was pushing her to choose something and accept the consequences of that choice rather than constantly hedging.

It is what it is, right?
lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1379279 03/08/08 07:03 PM
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Okay, one other thing (and thanks everyone for letting me continue to post in piecing!).

I've mentioned that we'd been through something 9 years ago. Same basic situation - distance between us (though that time it was physical), her in degree program and feeling overwhelmed, OM pushing to be with her. She eventually saw me again and recognized the connection we shared (after 4 months of virtually no contact), and sent a letter after our meeting. I just found it again and feel like she could have written it yesterday:

"Oh Lodo, what a grand mess I've created for myself. I've been through an incredible range of emotions in the past 6 months ... feeling like I didn't have the energy to mend things and just not wanting to deal. Not knowing what I wanted from you and trying to figure out what I was missing from you that made me interested in someone else.

So now what? I need to tell you about OM. He's much more ready to be involved with me than I am to be involved with him. He'd be very hurt and confused by my thoughts right now. I haven't been entirely honest with him - I still think of you a lot. I'm driving myself utterly crazy thinking about this and wondering what I've done. You ask if it's over and I want to give a definite answer, but I don't feel definite about it. I don't have everything invested in OM and don't know him well enough yet to say if I love him, though he says he loves me. I don't know how to handle it, obviously.

I told you how empty I've felt lately, pretending like all of this wasn't happening and if I played along, the answer would be obvious. What is obvious now is that I have to make a decision, I have to tell you something and settle things and settle them with myself and OM too. I feel totally at a loss. I guess it boils down to the fact that I'm happy doing what I'm doing right now. What to leave you with? Can you give me 3 months? If I've lost you after that time then I will be the one suffering. I guess, though, that I have to tell you it's over because I'm not ready to be with you right now and honestly I'm excited to try things with OM, even though I can't believe that I am. I'm sorry."

So, again, that was 9 years ago, but I feel like she is feeling and saying the same exact things - even asking for some time to try things with OM! Crazy, why didn't I brand this letter in my memory forever? But 9 years is a long time and I forgot.

So what happened then? 2 months later she lost it, apologized profusely for putting me through such crap, went out of her way to make amends. But I'd never read DB and we never dealt with that period - just put it out of our minds.

Anyway, this is why I have hope - she came out of the fog before. But it's also why I wonder if I should continue hoping - is this a cycle?

Just rambling, but one other thing I'm curious about. She said OM was advocating for her to stay in M. When I talked to a friend of hers a few months ago, her friend said she thought OM had ended PA. W said they were both struggling with EA. I wonder how he feels about her choice? She sees him as professional colleague and therefore probably a more suitable choice. Maybe I am wrong to pursue. Also found out they're spending big chunks of Aug/Sept together. Maybe he is better for her and they'll be very happy working and living together.

PMA is rapidly deteriorating. Need to get out in the sun.

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1381693 03/09/08 01:16 AM
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Ok, I know I'm just filling up my own threads so that no one will want to read them, but who wants to read all my failed DB techniques anyway. I'm almost out of my funk but still need to vent some more.

The thing that's driven me crazy all day is how to proceed. I left it ambiguous with W, but it is absolute craziness that she'd expect me to let her sleep with OM for 6 months to see how it feels and then re-evaluate our M. Absolute craziness. I know it's the brain chemicals, but she's so d*mn independent that all my other approaches, while they've been successful, have all fallen short. She just WON'T give up OM, especially since he's a major part of her PhD, so she's getting a career charge as well as a love charge. Plus they do fun stuff together, so an activities charge. She won't do anything with me, though I keep asking. This is why it's so hard for me to see a way to make this work.

And yet, we keep coming close. On Marriagebuilders.com, they recommend trying to out-compete OM, at least for a set time period. Hard to do when W won't do anything with you, but that's the option I was going to start trying. But this is craziness! I deserve better and I should just confront her with that and file for divorce!

ARRGHH! Which option?! lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1381826 03/09/08 06:43 AM
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Hey friend, I haven't had much puter time during this weekend convention but when I do it's highspeed! \:\)

It's a lot easier to say this than to do this, but think about this for a minute or 500 - when in 6 months she comes back and reprofesses her lasting love one more time, how will you believe her and trust her? what will she have to do to make the 3rd time different that you know it will last?

DBing is also doing something different when what you've done doesn't work. Fool me once shame you, fool me twice shame on me.

But IF you are a man who can wait while finishes her test drive with om then definitely do serve up a load of GAL and a pile of patience.

Only you know if you can try and do that. You have my cyber support however I can help.
(((((lodo)))))


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW #1381961 03/09/08 04:21 PM
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Thanks WCW - highspeed is nice after dialup, I'm sure.

I'm still so conflicted. I read the sitches, like grasshopper's, and others have put up with so much more than me. In that regard I feel like I'm giving up. If she were to come back and profess undying love, I feel like I now have the tools to work towards a more realistic long-term relationship. But does she? That's the big question.

I do need to do something different, because I'm always accepting. But right now that something different feels like me telling her she should work through her feelings for OM, but I'm moving on, which means filing for D. There is a 6 month waiting period.

I feel like sh*t. lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1381966 03/09/08 04:26 PM
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I am sorry you are feeling so poorly...I do understand that feeling far too much.

It really gets me how our S can hear something and totally put their own twist on it. Like you and the 6 month thing...that totally was not your invitation for her to try out the OM for 6 months.

I do think you are onto something with moving on and if that means that you file for D, then so be it. Just because you file doesn't mean that you have to go through with it. But maybe that will be some sort of a wake up to her that you are ready to make some choices for yourself. I don't really know.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Sara


Me-31 H-38
M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs
No kids
Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06
Found out about OW 12-24-07
Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08
OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08
OW is back 4-19-08
H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08
Filed for divorce 6-5-08
Divorced 7-2-08
Starshyne #1381979 03/09/08 04:50 PM
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Thanks Sara,

It's done. W called and we talked. I canceled my plans with her today. Then told her I'd been thinking about our conversation on friday, that she does need to work out her feelings for OM, that I loved her and wanted to make the M work, but that couldn't happen when she wouldn't allow me to fulfill any of her needs. I said it made me sad because I knew that if we worked on it, the M could work. She said she didn't know - was very cold.

So I said I'm filing. She said we should do mediation and I replied that I needed to think about my options.

Then said goodbye and she thanked me for calling.

I really wanted to be able to do this, but really don't see anyway to do it when she's so adamantly against making it work and will be spending the next 4 months with OM off and on in isolated working conditions. There is absolutely no chance for us to find any way to reconnect under those circumstances.

And of course she doesn't have very good relationship skills and that means these problems are going to probably continue cropping up.

It's time for me to be realistic about the possibilities and move on. For myself.

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1382061 03/09/08 07:16 PM
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Sh*t. My emotions are all over the place. Just back from a long walk and realize that I may have decided on D as the way to go but that doesn't change a whole lot of things.

1 week ago W couldn't decide between staying and leaving. She said I was a wonderful person and she admired what I'd been doing, but couldn't get past her feelings for OM. She also said she's been approaching this linearly and just wanted an answer - hated feeling in limbo. After C, she decided she wanted to try things with OM, but asked if I'd be willing to give it 6 months. Today she wholeheartedly agreed to D and didn't think things could've worked between us. Of course she thinks she's found her soul-mate and who knows, maybe she has.

What this says to me is that she is still in major conflict and that C had probably chided her to make a decision. Do I want to continue DBing through this process? Good question. I've enforced my boundary - I'm not going to be on the back burner while she enjoys being with OM to see if it'll work. But I can still be open to reconciliation if she chooses to get rid of OM and do the hard work.

*sigh*. I think I need to keep DBing until this is done. At least now I feel more a sense of detachment - no expectations for the future. Just be myself and get on with life.

lodo


Divorced: 10/26/08
lodo #1382092 03/09/08 07:57 PM
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lodo, I know how hurt you are but what I keep seeing is that every time you talk with your W you get more hurt. QUIT talking to her!
She can't decide about staying or leaving, you talk her into leaving.
She can't decide to stay M or not, you say you are filing.
Why do you do that? quit acting like a whipped puppy!
You say she is so adamantly against making it work, but it looks more like you are trying to control how it should work.

You say W and om have 4 months of isolated working conditions. I think that is eating you up and you can't deal with it. I think if you go ahead and file it will be like giving them a free pass to do what they want.

I am sorry to be harsh, but you are reacting to your pain. Go dark. Stay away from her. Do that for your own sanity. Drown yourself in GAL and build your PMA and then think about starting to make some decisions.


Live your life while you are still living.
Riding the trail less traveled.
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