Yeah the Star Wars one had me rolling too. I really enjoy his perspective even though I am such an air head, no I am not blonde but H always said some of my brain matter pushed out after each kid so who knows.
What I read from FG is that I should say to hell with MLC as H's problem and that I need to accept that me telling him to go and find himself was the reason he left for good as it showed I didn't care and didn't want to help him fix whatever was wrong. I also get from what he says that I should make more of an effort to stop analyzing H's small baby steps and go in for the kill by flirting or inviting him out with the kids and I for a neutral event like lunch somewhere or something along those lines. I can't quite get it when he suggests things though like when I posted on Thursday night that H wasn't in a rush to take the kids and go downstairs from our bedroom where I was laying in bed under the weather. I think FG was suggesting we should have sent the kids away and I should have made a BOLD move such as a sexual advance towards H and that that in itself would have made a big difference in our situation.
OK FG if I got any of that totally wrong I know you will let me know.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Oh.. you were so close. You are almost there. Well at least to the point where you may understand it.
Yes dead on about the MLC. If he does something and you think it is a MLC effect. Lock it away. Just keep going like it never happened. Later you can come here and tell us all about it. Here is the place you try to work it all out. Cause someone is going to look at it different.
Yes to a point on you telling him to leave. You don't really have to accept it. He just simply did not react the way you wanted him to. Imagine that.
I don't want you to kill him with your physical side. Honestly the easiest way I can explain it is I want you to entice him with it. I gotta think that works.
What I was saying about the Thurs. was he lingered. That was a good sign. He was wanting to be there for some reason or another. I can't tell you why but he did.
Listen to this.. Very closely... People will show you the way. I don't care who they are people will show themselves. They will show you what they want you to do.
Please don't misunderstand I am telling you to jump on him the next time you see him. Maybe that would work maybe it would not. You have to find what works. I can give you the crazy point of view that you never saw coming.
Now if you give me specific references about a date/interaction I can likely give you some pointers as to what to do if that happens again.
I have been really sick the past 2 days and have not had alot of energy to put into this stuff but bear with me I am sure I will "Find Myself" again.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Please take care fo yourself and once you are feeling better lay it on me.
Also as a man, put yourself in my H's shoes...you have left for whatever reason and your wife is very sexual and physical. How would you want to be enticed by her? Obviously begging you for a good **** isn't working and is certainly too direct and probably scarey right now. How would you like to see me flirt with you?
Last edited by mymonkeybug; 03/09/0811:07 PM.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Funny...H was over last night as part of his usual Thursday night visit and I was in bed not feeling well and the kids were with me knowing when daddy got here they would all go downstairs and H didn't want to leave the bedroom but the kids and he finally went and then he came up once to use the toilet and popped in to make small talk. It seems the whole idea of leaving him alone has some substance to it because I did and he seemed more mellow and talkative with me.
I am gonna put that in man speak for you. Keep in mind MLC!!
Funny. Did you really just pick that word? In reading that one word I knew you had a stunning revelation. Well maybe not stunning but you get what I am saying.
You don't feel good. He wants to linger. Hmmm .. Thats telling me something. I got it.. he is in the throws of a full on MLC!!
They finally went downstairs cause maybe he thought "She needs a break". Hmmm... Could me call that a small step?
So I gotta expect that this was not the only bathroom in the house. Did he perchance walk by another? Before he popped in? Lets see how would that conversation go.. Knock, Knock... Open the door.
You OK?
Yea just a little tired.
Sorry bout that.
Now maybe I am just hopefull but..
Is there anything I can do?
No I will be fine.. Just tired.
Ok.
Man exits stage left.
Please don't miss the sarcasm. Its in there. Maybe you don't see it but its there.
So what you are telling me is there is something to what I say. What? Imagine that.
Ok sarcasm off.
Hello I am Mr. Physical. I like the .. Well you know. Now what you may not understand is that I am 110% physical. But not like you think. I am not "Freaky". I am not gonna tie you up and spank you.. unless you ask me to. I like the touch. Pick an item of mine and touch it. So what is going to work for me?
So lets take this and place it into your "stitch". In order for me to see what you want I will have to "feel" it. Ok, neutral day. You are sitting on a park bench. You casually touch something. I used to like it when women touched my head. I don't really have any hair now so we can scratch that. The small of my back. My neck. My inner thigh. Bout half way down. You see where I am going with this. Personally I gotta stop.
You are a smart woman. You gotta think outside the box. No sarcasm there.
Where your toes at?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
The bathroom he used is next to our bedroom. The only other one is IN our bedroom. When I see something in him that appears to be step towards me I try to move towards him and he retreats. It's as if he is very scared or just plain old disgusted, who knows.
He professes he doesn't feel it for me anymore, meaning LOVE. He darts out the door almost as if he'd better hurry before I try to touch him or hug him.
My toes are pointing towards him but as well as my heart but my mind right now is elsewhere and since my actions and talk this week are so 180 of what they have been since he left he seems more at ease around me so I am to believe I should continue on that path for a bit. He is getting exactly from me what he asked for when he left and that is space.
I offered for him to have the kids overnight on a Sat. night maybe every other weekend or something if he would be willing to stay at his mom and dads since he isn't living there anymore and I will not let the kids go wherever he is living as he doens't tell me other than it's with friends. He very quickly corrected me and said he is still living with his parents which is the total opposite of what he said just the previous weekend about living with friends up town who are taking care of him and helping him. He says one thing one day then the total opposite the next time we talk. He seems LOST within his own mind.
It really seems like since I have backed way off this past week he is coming around and behaving more like the old Danny he used to be long before he left. It almost looks like he is also realizing this new life he thought he wanted isn't all it was supposed to be. But I don't know and have stopped trying to analyze things involving him.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I sent him a text letting him know that I got stuff for the kids for Easter including cards and that WE could give it all to them since WE are still THEIR parents. Well he replied with a, "Don't worry about it I will get them something!" Damn him. He is trying SO hard to shut down from me and what was US that it is so disheartening to go from best friends for 19 years to being treated this way by him overnight. Yeah FG I know you will have something insightful to say about this too but please not tonight. This incident just really angered me. He claims to want to still be part of their lives but does something like this which makes me wonder what he really wants out of a relationship with them.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
We must be in "Sync" cause I just got back from a work trip where I worked for 36 hours and am still sick.
Have a good night.
I have some points on your previous post. The last one really is not that bad. You did the right thing. You posted here. Look at that progress. Don't let him know you are angry.
Sleep tight I hope something bites!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I can understand your frustration - your H is not only a WAH, but appears to be somewhat a WAF (walk away father). From what you have written, he does not show the desire to be with his own kids 7 days a week. Heather, it hurts so much to see the most important thing you have ever had in your entire life - your family - be disrupted the way it is. I just hope you know that DBing has a primary purpose - to improve ones self and happiness for themselves so as to possibly pull back the WAS, and a secondary purpose which is that if the WAS never comes back, you (and your kids) will be able to move on much easier if your M is to end. Just remember - keep trying to detach, make yourself happy, focus on your kids, and with persistence and patience, your H may eventually discover a great family that he has been forsaking.
I have confidence that you can be a catalyst in turning your M around. You have one huge obstacle to not have to deal with - your H has not entered into an A. Be thankful for that.
H insists there hasn't been and isn't an A but I wonder sometimes. I mean how else could he literally go from letting me do what I do and him doing what he does one night to walking out the next professing ILYBNILWY. I wonder if he was in an A or at least and emotional A and felt that euphoric newness feeling and thought to himself hey this is how it should feel with Heather and since it doesn't I need to leave hence professing ILYBNILWY.
Yep, FG will love reading that as there I go analyzing again...wonder what really caused this as opposed to accepting that it just happened and moving onto the next day.
Another thing I think I have in my favor is that H has not in any way shape or form done anything legal, while he sure maybe has gotten some legal advice, I have not been served with D papers or even legal seperation papers of any sort. He seems to think we can just be seperated physically for 12 months then walk into a court room and ask a judge to grant us a divorce like it was a normal day.
I worry though about this and maybe anyone reading can give their opinions. He has sold a couple things since leaving. An old broken 4 wheeler we had in the garage for $200 and an engine hoist/jack for possibly another $100-$200 of which I never saw any money from either. The money doesn't worry me since I did keep the income tax return for bills and he whined about that. What I was thinking though is that I should ask him for receipts for the sales that include dates, to whom, and price just incase he pursues me legally since those are OUR assets he is selling off.
I was also thinking of asking him to take pictures and make a detailed listing of that BIG Snap On tool box and all it's contents, a list that includes each tool and their values so that I have that info. incase he pursues me legally since all that is an asset really. I mean if he or I for that matter did anything legal I assume a L would want listings of all our assets like the house, TV's, stereos, furniture, pots, pans, anything and everything right down to toothbrushes.
Opinions would be helpful. I don't know if asking him for receipts and lists with pictures would rock the boat and anger him or if it would be proper to approach him for that. I can approach him in a very even kealed manner, very matter of fact way without being nasty or snide. I think personally he will balk at the idea that I am asking for such things and get upset but I feel that just maybe I need to stop pussy footing around him so much and make sure I have my ducks in a row just incase because he really is totally out of character for himself these days.
Yes he still lets me have all his money from his pay to pay the bills but then I remember how he just walked out and hasn't seemed to look back since. How he went from being a SUPER fulltime daddy to being OK being a very part time father that seems to be withdrawing even more each week over the last month. I think about how he went form being my lover and best friend and talking to me all the time to acting like I am a stranger and barely speaking to me. Telling me one day he lives with friends up town to telling me a week later he is still living with his parents and driving around with a weeks worth of dirty laundy in the back of his truck. He doesn't seem to even know which way is up these days, his head is in a HUGE fog.
I guess I just worry that something may happen and I might wake up one morning by a police officer knocking at my door with D papers and I will be completely unprepared without any idea of the assets he has regarding his tools which from talk in the past by him equals a GREAT deal of $$$ and then knowing he has no quams selling things off in an attempt just to fill his own pocket with money, money that was never a priority before he left. Before he left he didn't like having an empty pocket but fully UNDERSTOOD we lived paycheck to paycheck but now that he is gone he wants HIS and is doing what he needs to get it. He has become very sneaky and secretive with where he is and who he is with and I worry again since this is so out of character for him. He was always the H that called asking if it was OK if he didn't come straight home because so and so asked him to the bar for pool or a drink after work, he was always the H that asked if it was OK to buy this or that or spend on something because he knew how the bills were. But now that he is gone and the bills haven't changed he doesn't seem to care just as long as he has money so he can be happy. He has also been told by me about the new bills for son and the therapist and shrink and how electricity just had a major hike from our provider.
Wow did I ramble. Sorry guys I think it's the hormones this week. You know how us women get monthly. And since most of you posting in my thread are men I will apologize now...lol.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
