MIDLIFE CRISIS- from Michele plus RESOURCE THREADS

[Valentine]

You've got my prayers, even though you quoted a Jesuit over a Franciscan.

LOL! ANd I love the Franciscans!

Thanks SG...

Have a good weekend!

V

[ba065]

I am "acting as if" constantly. It seems to be helping in my sitch...but inside, I still feel extremely hurt and betrayed. I still cry myself to sleep most nights.

I know my MLC H is lost...I know he's still figuring things out...I know he still sees MOW and talks to her on the phone almost constantly. I know he still lies to me.

But, he also treats me with respect, he says ILY, he'll hug and kiss me and buys me nice things. We're spending more time together, doing things he enjoys...and I'm beginning to enjoy....like road biking. I guess these are all considered baby steps....but inside of me, I feel like he has a hidden agenda and he's making plans with MOW to eventually leave. I just can't get past that part...maybe it's all in my head, but a woman's intuition can be right on the mark too!

I'm praying for the strength to stand, for help and guidance. I'm praying for H to find his way...to be happy again....

Having enought patience is hard....waiting is hard....wanting the final results but not always seeing the tiny steps towards them....????

Just tired, emotional and acting as if I love my life right now.

BA

[sgctxok]

I am "acting as if" constantly. It seems to be helping in my sitch...but inside, I still feel extremely hurt and betrayed. I still cry myself to sleep most nights.

I know my MLC H is lost...I know he's still figuring things out...I know he still sees MOW and talks to her on the phone almost constantly. I know he still lies to me.

But, he also treats me with respect, he says ILY, he'll hug and kiss me and buys me nice things. We're spending more time together, doing things he enjoys...and I'm beginning to enjoy....like road biking. I guess these are all considered baby steps....but inside of me, I feel like he has a hidden agenda and he's making plans with MOW to eventually leave. I just can't get past that part...maybe it's all in my head, but a woman's intuition can be right on the mark too!

I'm praying for the strength to stand, for help and guidance. I'm praying for H to find his way...to be happy again....

Having enought patience is hard....waiting is hard....wanting the final results but not always seeing the tiny steps towards them....????

Just tired, emotional and acting as if I love my life right now.

BA

If you ACT AS IF...He's testing you...thinking about leaving OW. How differently would you feel?How would you do things differently?

[ACJ]

So remind me how 'acting as if' works when you hardly ever see your spouse.

[WCW]

How long do you act as if?
How long do you stay patient?
How long do you keep your head in the sand and ignore the obvious?

[sgctxok]

It isn't a vague general feeling. It's situational.
and

How long...YOU decide.

[sgctxok]

So remind me how 'acting as if' works when you hardly ever see your spouse.

If you hardly ever see your spouse.....FOCUS ON THE EXCEPTIONS.

and a different technique might be more helpful depending on your situation.


The point is....while there is no magic cure, you're not completely helpless in changing your PATTERNS OF INTERACTION.


If you have few interactions, focus on those few, not the interactions that aren't occurring.

[Bruce1]

sgctxok:

As you noted on my other post, this is a tough one. I'm struggling with what seem like conflicting messages. On the one hand, we hear "No R talk." Then, some of us hardly see or interact with our spouses. I haven't seen mine in two months, and in January we had a phone conversation about the dogs. We email about dog drop off pick up once a week or so, and that is IT. Emails are one line, two at most. Straight and to the point.

We saw each other once in a while (but this more by chance than planning; no "dates" or talks about our marriage at all; sometimes the encounters involved her showing her rage, spewing venom my way) during earlier times of the separation, but nothing since December.

How does one DB in such a case? What might be the "exceptions" you refer to? Sometimes I wonder if I have done enough by saying, ever so briefly, last summer and fall that I was open to talking about things at any time. She has never accepted that offer.

Any ideas about what to do now? Is waiting until she initiates a conversation all I can do?

She says she wants a D, and I agreed, but no action from either of us since that email (yes, she actually said she wanted a D through email! More than a decade of marriage got me an email request for a D!).

I struggle between waiting for her to initiate the conversation about working on things, or her initiating the D, and thinking that I should go to her, in person somehow, and bring up the R to try to get a sense if there's any hope here. Yet everyone says that would likely fail miserably. I feel paralyzed by this.

[sgctxok]

The exceptions are the fact that you 've seen her at all or had any contact. So then, depending on the contact you use those times to DB appropriately.


THIS WILL NOT be accomplished by bringing up relationship talk....you would more likely...in your situation, seal the deal negatively.

Use this time -- what little there is to start being peaceful. Try to make the interactions more positive.

THEN....after some of those, you might start building/recreating a friendship.


"Any ideas about what to do now? Is waiting until she initiates a conversation all I can do? "

Words are highly overrated. First look to changing body language. Mirror hers at first.

When it feels less tense, you might try changing something there. See if she follows.


If she follows, she's not likely spewing venom. Then tell us more about what the interactions are like.

[AmyC]

SG - Can you please link me to the stages of MLC as written by HeartsBlessing??!! An old poster has asked me via email where they are and I can't find them. As I understood it, they were moved here...


Thanks.


Amy