I responded cordially so I wouldn't come off as an ass, but left it at that.
And that is exactly how you have to conduct yourself around her for the forseeable future. It's healthier for you, it makes you more attractive to HER (in case you still want to hold out hope), and it has the side benefit of driving her BONKERS, which is just a bonus!
Hi GF - thanks for checking in on my sitch. I think W is less trying to keep me close than making herself feel better - if we D as friends, everything is okay. In her world, we'll create the agreement between ourselves, wait out the 6 months doing our separate things, and then poof - done. We can be friends and she's free to be with OM unhindered. Easy. There will never be a disintegration with OM in her world.
Hi Puppy - since the decision, I feel like I'm ready to release. I know it won't be that easy, and I'm going to T to make sure I do this right, but just going out and getting D books made me feel better. I was actually able to focus on work today!
Long road ahead, but I have to preserve my values and W showed herself not to have any. Or at least they're misplaced at best. What's weird is that I had saved her voicemail from 3 weeks ago asking to move back in. Went to delete it today and had forgotten how emotional she'd been - pleading with me to let her come back, telling me how wrong she'd been, but demanding that the only way to fix things was her way. Oh well, now I know what the crocodile tears look like.
I hear that too, we'll be happier, we'll be best friends, etc.... spew.
I don't think they were crocodile tears when she left that VM. I think she is lost, and has NO clue what she wants. You are giving her space, that's what she needs.
I, too, got the crocodile tears from my wife a couple of times thru her affair. Once was when she asked me out for coffee, "so we can just talk," and she BEGGED me not to "take the boys away from me" (this was after I served her with D, including going for custody of our sons). Told me how wrong she'd been, how she was sorry she hurt me, etc. . . .
. . . and then when I told her I would "think about it," and that I was not yet ready to withdraw ANYTHING, as she was still seeing OM, she continued to have her affair for another two months.
I hate to play the 'woman' card but was she exceptionally emotional due to pms? real tears for that particular time and they dry up with the next swing.
Hope you enjoy your weekend lodo. Heading to the mountains?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
several people have asked me if hormones are coming into play. She said she suddenly started losing weight and her body changed, and her periods have been really inconsistent, but she's very stressed as well.
Wish I was heading to the mountains. Am going to submit a couple proposals to present at conferences - something I've never done before. Also going to go to a museum with some new friends - been a long time since I did that. And of course there's always yoga and hiking/running. Tonight I'm going bowling - haven't done that for a long time either!
sounds like you are taking some positive steps to improve your own life. Sitting at home alone is no fun. I actually presented at a conference for the 1st time last month. It was really exciting! Good luck with that.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I have crossed museums off my todo list and don't plan to hurry back to any. The last time I was there they had antique computers and it was the model I first learned on! Then in the recreation of the church they had a hymnal, which was the same one I used in grade school! I got to feeling pretty old while I was there...and hobbled back out to the car...
Has W gone to see a doctor about her physical problems? it could be causing a lot of unadmitted stress seeping into her conflicted personality.
Good luck with those proposals!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey WCW, lol - maybe you should be part of the museum exhibit
Don't know if W has gone to doc or not.
Came across an interesting article about R - I know, still trying to let go. Anyway, I think it describes me and W better than others:
Quote:
People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well, boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point.
Here are five warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair.
1. You don't challenge each other
Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.
2. You and your partner have morphed into one
Getting married does not mean becoming two people with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. If your partner is not allowed to have a life of his own, he will eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you're over-interested in his life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, he will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people leading independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance ones that give each partner space and freedom.
3. One person selflessly lives for the other
We like to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a dishevelled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. Selfless devotion is boring. Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. By failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard and herself of that.
4. Everything centers on your children
It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there's precious little time to develop an identity or a life of your own. Remember, children are temporary. One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you'll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids.
5. You never talk
Does the question "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought sex was what intimacy was all about!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count.
Interestingly, most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to "be all he can be," if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.
Some Solutions
So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words: get a life.
Thinking back to our conversations, I think my W was begging me to challenge her. But I didn't. Not that I'm going to beat myself up over it - she could have been more accepting or challenged me more aggressively to get out of my depression and pursue what I wanted, and be more able to challenge her. She is as guilty as I am - when the going gets tough, she withdraws and that won't make for a healthy long-term R.
Anyway, just thinking. Wish I'd known all this stuff a long time ago!
