I'm L2; I posted for awhile over in Newcomers, but have been quiet for a few months. Think it's time to move on over here for some support and advice. Just getting this thing set up today; if anyone wants to see some of my past, i think it will link from below (must admit I'm a bit of a Luddite...)
I've been following a lot of you over time. I won't go into much detail right now, but the bare bones are that my H is involved with OW, has been for like 18 months on some level. All of it is very much hidden; however, our M has been a rough go for a long time. We (H and I and Ss 18 and 11) all live together.
I'm going to be doing a good bit of journalling/venting over time; don't really have much of anyone IRL to talk to about it...a couple of good friends support me, but clearly think I'm nuts for not confronting him and forcing the issue.
All for now; just wanted to get this set up while I had a few minutes at the end of the day at work.
I look forward to 'talking' and sharing with you all...
Hey L2, Your sitch sounds oh so familiar. Except for the gender reversal.
Anyway, I just want to say that I completely understand not wanting to confront your H. I also have decided just to let sleeping dogs lie. Even though I am completely unhappy with the fact that my W is still here, I also am exstatic that I get to see my 2 Ss every morning and every night, no "visitation", etc. Mine are younger than yours, but still it is a great gift to give them two parents there for them every day.
It sounds like you and your H are cordial to each other at home, so I don't see why this is crazy. If anything, it is the opposite...a conscious choice to put the welfare of your S above your own desires.
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
One thing that I didn't make very clear in my first post is that while I know that H has been involved in some way (pretty sure it started as EA but has definitely moved to PA) with OW since last fall, I really don't believe that H has any real idea about how much i have figured out.
Back a year or so ago, when I got bombed on the same day that I discovered that he had purchased her a Xmas gift and saw his car at her house, he characterized their R as "talking about what divorce was like...that she'd been 'helpful' to him in understanding things (she was in the process of a divorce at that time...she and her 2 sons took Taikwondo at the same school as my two sons, so we had passing acquaintance...)" We all know how that goes... a month or so later he mentioned that he was still 'talking' to her when we had a very nonproductive R talk (pre-DB). The last time he mentioned her name was back in June when we had a less nonproductive R talk, and he mentioned that she was the only person he had talked to about whether to divorce or not (while accusing me of talking to all my friends about it...and how he couldn't ever socialize with them in the future), and that she'd "been a big help to me..." GAG!!
Shortly before this same time, H and I had a major blowup when I stood my ground on the idea that if/when we Sep, H would move out for 6mos-1year, then he would move back to our house for a year or so (after I had found a place to live) before we sold. I just said no, that I would stay in the house until it sold, since this was his choice...big fireworks, off came his ring, down to the couch to sleep. H spent a few weeks making inquiries on apts. and talking about looking at our budget to figure out 'what he was going to do...', but after a weekend trip away with our Ss, it hasn't been mentioned again...
But H has never admitted anything about an actual affair, and takes great pains to hide his deceit... In truth, we function very well as a family, and actually spend a lot of time together that way, and our daily routine seems quite normal (H even moved back upstairs to our room about a month ago during the R drama)
A long time ago i made the decision to try to hang in there and see if it would end on its own, while i was working hard on making changes that I needed to address. Some days/months are easier than others; and recently I've let myself get emotionally drawn into some serious drama between them(accidental discovery that allows me to have more insight into the course of their R), which initially gave me real hope that the R was imploding...then when it didn't, gave me a real hit to my PMA... that old curse of Mr. expectations rearing his ugly head!
I am doing better again...and what I still want at this point is to keep my family intact, and to build a new, good relationship with my H (who i still love, and who i could forgive). I feel very strongly that both my H and I got us to where we are over the course of a very long time... and I owe it to my Ss to do everything in my power to not bail on them.
This is based on my own moral and ethical beliefs...not a religion-based idea of 'standing' that i've seen here a lot...but more just that this is what I need to be doing right now.
Gosh, it's quittin' time at work... I hope everyone has a great weekend! We're off to a fun Irish pub to celebrate friday!
I think i've got a pretty significant convo. with H coming up, probably this weekend, and I could use some help framing it.
Our older son is in the process of hearing from colleges...pretty exciting time! Part of this whole selection process will involve what financial aid looks like (most of the schools he's applied to are private, and we will qualify for some need-based aid to those schools). We have some saved, but will still have quite a bit more (including some loans, probably) to finance for our family contribution. Obviously, our financial situation changes dramatically based on whether we are supporting one household or two... what it boils down to is what are we willing to commit to for a 4-year period...
How do I broach this general concept without straying into R territory????
I wouldn't question him about whether he can make this 4-year commitment, or pin him down on the R. I'd point out that this will be cost for the next four years plain and simiple and let him figure out the rest.
If he's worried about it let him bring it up. I think it's better at this point to live your life like he'll still be there... and if he leaves he'll just have less money for dates. No fancy dinners!!! It will be boxed macaroni and cheese or Mc Donald's!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
L2, I agree with ROOT. Anyway, college is not exactly a 4 year commitment to the institution where you begin. It, like life, is a journey. If your sitch changes during these years, your family will just have to deal with that.
Just my $.02 SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
You have to fill out the FAFSA. So just fill it out with things as they are, don't get creative. State schools, not necessarily in your own state, are a good choice for saving money over private colleges. Depending what state you are in, a lot of times nearby states have a reciprical deal that reduces the price for residents. Just my opinion, but I let my daughter know what colleges I was willing to pay for before she set about choosing.
I thought you had disappeared ! in truth we all have for a time . I am amazed by your patience , I did have some hope that things would be more settled for you by now , goodness knows that when we all arrived here I dont think we had any idea how long our journeys would be. The schooling thing is difficult, I have been saving for S17 to go to University but cant add to that right now with financing two households. Perhaps approach the subject in a nuts and bolts manner and if H starts R talk then go with the flow. Try and get some DB stuff in there if you can.
Hummmmm.... there's a wee little part of me that wonders if you want to have this conversation with your husband because you want to have a R conversation and get him to admit whether he plans to stay for the next 4 years....
This is just a thought I had.... I may be completely off base...
P.s. This is something I could actually see myself doing. Indirectly fishing for answers. I tend to do that....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
