I am 39 today--and wiser and more gorgeous than ever!
I treated myself to a great day: had my cards read, then a facial and massage in the afternoon. Saw H this morning for a couple of hours--he is laying low these days and only manages to comeover once or twice a week. Nice visit--but no mention from him of my birthday. I know it's probably because of the whole JW BS, but it woudl be nice...wait! Is that an expectation I heard? He did tell me to have a nice time at my massage. I also cracked open a bottle of wine I bought on my trip to Sonoma last summer--been saving it for a special occasion. Thought about going over to FF's, but tired tonight for some reason, so just relaxing here with the wine, a book, a fancy chocolate cupcake, and maybe a movie. Went out last night with friends from work for a Leap Day Friday. Two of them conspired to buy my dinner AND bought cheesecake for everyone for my b'day--I got the candle and all! So nice to feel loved.
BTW, Virago (card reader) said That H is really feeling sorry for himself but is on his way back--I need to keep patient (ugh) and continue doing the things I've been doing. He has to come through this on his own.
The good news is that there have been some glimpses of the old H recently. Virago told me he's studying something new, and I know what it is: native American artifacts. We just talked about it this morning. He used to be very interested in archeology--sounds like he's trying it on for size again. Also, he called me last Sat. and told me how muchhe liked the comedy CD I gave him for his b-day--it was Stephen Wright, kind of a kooky, smart guy. Then he said how "people he knows who are not educated wouldn't get it at all"--people being the JWs that he's hanging out with. They do not believe in higher education at all. I knew exactly what he was getting at and said, "Well, that's why they have Larry the Cable Guy." He paused and then really cracked up and said, "Yeah, I guess you're right."
He also told me last week that he recognizes that he is a people pleaser and often does things that he doesn't want to do because they are important to others. Then he asked if I thought that was true about him. I feared a landmine and just said that I know he has said that regarding his interactions with his family. I know that I'm a big pleaser myself--this is one of the habits that I am working hard at. What should I say if he brings this up again?
He also told me last week that he recognizes that he is a people pleaser and often does things that he doesn't want to do because they are important to others. Then he asked if I thought that was true about him. I feared a landmine and just said that I know he has said that regarding his interactions with his family. I know that I'm a big pleaser myself--this is one of the habits that I am working hard at. What should I say if he brings this up again?
The fact that he is not doing what you want confirms that he is not really a universal people pleaser, no At this delicate stage, I'd say avoid any direct response, if you can. Otherwise, be as diplomatic as possible. Remember, men need to feel respected by their women.
Thanks, guys! My favorite part of the day was when the massage therapist said, "Happy birthday! And don't worry--your thirties will be fantastic." I said, "Thanks, but I'm 39." He jumped a little and said "You're thirty-nine? I"m sorry--I didn't know you were 39." Then he continued to apologize. I'm going back there every day just so I can hear that again.
And Slowly, thanks for your thoughts there. I was really uncomfortable when he asked me--you confirmed my gut feelings on how to respond.
Not much new these days. H has been sticking to this new and reduced visitation plan: Tuesday and Saturday only, apparently. I didn't even see him yesterday, but that was not my problem--I was at a yoga class and then helped a friend making her wedding invitations. H called me a couple of times, and we finally connected in the afternoon on the phone. He had some scarey news. About a year ago (I think) he had a growth in the area under his chin. It was removed and was tested--all was wll. Last Tuesday he told me it was back, and it was bigger than before--I felt it. He went in to the doc on Thursday, and the doctor called in a plasitc surgeon to come deal with it on Friday. H went in very confidently becaue the last time this happened, it was a quick procedure with minimum discomfort. This time it didn't go so well. The mass they removed is being tested, and he feels OK about that, BUT the local anesthetic didn't take well and he felt everything that they did. He was pretty shaken by it all. I offered to bring him dinner, etc., but he didn't want anything, big surprise. I'm a little worried that he's back on Vicodin with this--he appeared to be developing a "mild" addiction, if there is such a thing, to it last year when I smashed my thumb. He was able to stop when he realized that it didn't feel good, but I really think it's easy for him to get hooked on something for a while--it numbs the pain that he feels. Anyway, he seems to be in his cave right now as a rule. I call once in a while to say hello and to let him know how FABULOUSLY I am doing :), but that's about it. I'm sending him a lot of postive energy right now to help him heal and to be healthy overall.
Here's something funny: when he was telling me about that Stephen Wright CD, he told me that there was a JW joke on it! I tell you, the universe has a great sense of humor. Here it is: I'm in the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I go door to door, but I tell them I'm someone else. He thought it was funny, which is probably a good sign. The old H would have thought it was hilarious.
I was out with FF last night, and we decided to go by H's place. I've never done that before. It was a drab duplex--two townhouses with nothing to indicate that anyone even lived there. Pretty pathetic. I didn't feel a whole lot seeing it. He often says stuff like, "I went back to my place...I don't know what to call it because it certainly isn't a home." I always think, "Well, buddy, you know where you can come if you want to be HOME." The pity parites continue almost everytime I see him. I just let him spin and keep showing him very quietly how different OUR HOME is from where he lives now...not much else I can do.
So life rages on. I finally joined the gym where I've taken these yoga classes--now that I've put money down, I will feel compelled to go. I'm enjoying the signs of spring and looking forward to getting out in the dirt. I'm working on our taxes, which I loathe, but it will be good to get that taken care of. I went to a free concert today with the Seattle Men's Chorus and Rick Steves, the travel guy from PBS. One of his thoughts really struck me: if something isn't to your liking, change your liking.
AND the Dalai Lama is coming to Seattle in April and I'm getting tickets to hear him speak!
I feel good.
BTW, I heard some funny jokes to on "Prairie Home Companion." Here's my favorite:
Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak. Now you say, "Control freak who?"
HAH!
Be well, my friends. And for those of you who are buried in snow: Spring IS coming. Don't worry--you can't stop it.
You know, I DO feel good. But I'm lonely for H a lot of hte time. I go out with friends or on my own--more often on my own--and that's all great, but I want him. Nicola was just writing about not needing someone but wanting someone, and that's how I feel, only for me I want H. Ah well. I'm doing the best I can. I'm so thankful for how much I've grown and changed and learned and EVOLVED. Now I want to share it with him, the big dummy.
He did tell me to have a nice time at my massage. I also cracked open a bottle of wine I bought on my trip to Sonoma last summer--been saving it for a special occasion. Thought about going over to FF's, but tired tonight for some reason, so just relaxing here with the wine, a book, a fancy chocolate cupcake, and maybe a movie. Went out last night with friends from work for a Leap Day Friday. Two of them conspired to buy my dinner AND bought cheesecake for everyone for my b'day--I got the candle and all! So nice to feel loved.
