I know your feelings about feeling first rate..my h is the first person that made me feel that way..he has never really been one to say things..but he has always made me feel loved...I did not finish school, but got my Ged just before we were m, and yet h never put me down, as others have..even now when school stuff comes up and I say I did not go to high school, people act like I am dumb..but I have a pretty good job..great, grounded kids..so I did something right. I don't ever want to feel like I did as a kid growning up..I am going to make myself top priority,as you should too.
Buddy, I'm sorry to see what you're having to deal with here. One thing I want you to remember is that you will always be "1st Rate" to me and to the others here as well. From reading your post here and on other threads I know you are a good, no GREAT, person and no one can take that away.
Other than marrying someone who had previously been married our backgrounds are very similar. I know what it's like. I also know what it's like to reach that point of saturation where you feel you can no longer take any more. The OM sitch is something she has to deal with herself. I don't see where there is anything you or anyone else can do about it. Unfortunatly for her this may be driving away the one person who really does care.
My friend, take care of yourself. Be the kind and loving KAW that we know here on the BB. If the sitch works out then great but know that you are one helluva guy.
Pardon me for weighing in from out of nowhere. I feel presumptuous addressing one of the "gods" of DBing, but I'll just go ahead. I feel enormous respect for you, given the grace, patience, and stamina you've displayed and the wisdom of your words to others. You're certainly first rate in my book. My personal situation is not too different from yours (and not really interesting enough to recite), though my wife never left the house. What jolted me out of lurkerdom was the part about your wife and D9. I have two daughters, 4 and 9, of whom the older one also has a hard time dealing with her mother. It seems to me that your wife feels like she has you in her hip pocket, so she can continue to mentally check-out from her marriage and freely indulge her OM fantasies. Among my in-laws, I've seen these situations stretch out for year after year. Maybe you'd gain some traction in your situation if you were less accommodating. If your wife got a sense that the door was closing, she would have to make a real decision. Of course you would have to live with the outcome. Personally, I finally got tired of waiting for her to snap out of it, open up to me, recommit, what have you. I used to always be listening, validating, peacemaking. The result was that she felt safe dumping all her stuff on me, and there was just no end to it. It probably helped the process of detachment to reach the point that a divorce sounded just fine to me. I don't try to get her to open up; I just insist on being treated with respect, and I try not to reinforce negative behavior. When things run smooth, I'm about as pleasant and accommodating as I always was. If she wants to go on about some failure of mine, I listen for a while, apologize (once) if I haven't already, then ask her what she'd like me to do about it now. If she comes up with something reasonable, I do it and then consider the subject closed. If I get divorce or separation talk from her, I tell her to either knock it off or let me know when she's leaving. If she brings up OM junk, I tell her I don't want to hear about it. If she throws a tantrum, she gets no comforting or peacemaking from me any more; I just leave her alone, and demand an apology before letting things back to normal. Her everyday behavior is about 100% better, which puts it almost at the tolerable level. I don't have any great hopes that we'll stay married for the long term, but I don't worry about it much. Well, that was a little more about me than I'd intended, but I'm sure you get my point. You have my best wishes.
Boy what a stressful week! and to add to it I wasn't able to come here for support for the last day & a half due to the computer network at work was attacked by a virus.
Well at this point my W is pretty much abandon the notion of "piecing" the M at this point and its been steadily going downhill from there. In her journal Tuesday that she talked to him on Monday and that he told her he loved her. So now she thinking of running off with him. She mention she thinks we will be seperated during the summer. Last night, she wrote in her journal while I was lying in bed beside her! This morning I took a peek. She wrote all about how she just wanted to be with him all night and wake up next to him in the morning and how she might book a hotel room for a weekend so they can do that.
I think I hit my limit. I won't read anymore, because its clear where this is heading! I'm losing hope fast and have to start thinking about what new course, I need to take. I really don't have a clue yet!
tz, please don't refer to me as a DB "god". I'm far from it. I feel like a frail man with a knife sticking out of his chest. Now I need to concentrate on just surviving. I do feel relieved some with what you posted validating my more recent thoughts. Maybe its not a leap off a cliff?
It looks like I will be facing my worst fears after all. Thanks to DBing I know I will come out of it being OK, but I really hoping I wouldn't have to live thru this portion of the journey.
Lets face it, it looks like my W is a damn fool who's going to make the choices that will ruin this M which could have been a great . I just don't have the strength to continue fighting for it anymore from only my end.
That's I can post right now ... way too much to do.
sorry to hear that w is living in a fog..perhaps it's time you actually stepped out of her drama and simply lived for yourself...drop the ball so to speak and let her either sink or swim get lost in the fantasy world or learn to swim in reality...besides you need both arms to swim yourself so take back that one you've been using to hold her up.
Quote: Thanks to DBing I know I will come out of it being OK
Wow, I'm sorry this is taking this kind of turn for you.
You really need to detatch in a big way here. Start doing things for yourself. Make yourself happy and try not to worry about your M at all. I know that's very easy to say and not so easy to do but I think you really gotta go that way. LRT time.
Your W is in la la land right now. It's very likely that when this plays out reality will hit and the OM will be gone. At that point she'll start thinking more about you but in the meantime you have to make yourself a happier and stronger person...both for the future of your M and for yourself in the event the M doesn't work out in the end.
Always keep in mind though, that this doesn't mean the end of your M. Many people have lived through similar situations and ended up back again.
One more thing...quit reading her journal. Where has that gotten you so far? It only serves to drive you nuts so just stay away from it.
Last edited by rjd5974; 06/05/0306:27 PM.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
KAW - so sorry to read the most recent events in W's drama.
I tend to agree with LL and RJ - look out for yourself and your D's (I think you only have two, right?). Regardless of what your W does, you have a lot of friends here on the BB.
I'm sorry, KAW. I really don't know what to say. I know this is no consolation, but you've have done so much to try and keep your M alive. Let's face it, your W is in a lot of pain, with her depression and such, and has a lot of soul-searching to still do and issues to work out. OM will inherit these issues, as you've had to deal with them for some time now.
Perhaps she never finished this process before because it was cut so short (if I remember correctly if only last a couple of weeks or so)? Perhaps she needs to see what an R (if you could call it that) with OM is really like to realize what she really has with you? I have a feeling she is going to crash hard...but that's the path she is making for herself...
It's awful, but now it's time to protect yourself, KAW. I'm so very sorry...
Kaw -- Just another voice here offering support. I'm so sorry to hear that your w. is continuing her drama. Like others have suggested...do what you can to take a step back and take the best care possible of you and your kids.
Let us know how we can help, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Could be time to face her, fess to knowing, call an end to being Mr. Nice Guy.
She's not nice.
I'm mad on your behalf.
OK, what if you let her know you snooped, take your punishment, but then deal with what's going on?
Been there, exactly there (guilty of spying, took the rap for that) -- but gained clarity and stopped the lies when this was all confronted.
No, it's not easy. Sucks. Hurts bad. So sorry.
You deserve far better treatment and need to stand up for yourself. You love her, tell her, but suggest she go -- let her go after what she thinks she wants.
She'll find out fast enough what she is losing.
Rather than pine away after cake, she'll have a plateful -- and find out it can give you a big stomachache.
Being blunt here cuz I am on your side, have been there, and think ACTION is in order.
Hand her the keys, man. Time for her to split.
OK, later I'll calm down and be more balanced, I promise. For now, these are my thoughts.
