sorry you are finding your sit less than pleasing these days...you say that perhaps what draws w to om is that he's unatainable...is it possible for you to become a tad more unatainable?? less there for her...less vested in her...more someone she does stand a chance at loosing..she is aware of how lucky she is to have you..you read of such feelings in her journal (and btw..shame on you for looking...but I understand..hell I'd look too! but what good does it do you?) so then is it possible for her to see that she may be lucky but luck does run out and that it takes more than luck to keep someone as wonderful as you around?? I know that you do not want to leave your w..and I'm not suggesting that you do..but what would happen if you just dropped the ball with the r..and stopped trying to make it work and instead devoted that energy toward making yourself happy??
Maybe it is time for you to make a 90 degree turn. Keep moving those mountains but maybe not moving all of them. It is intersting that she is still so stuck in the grass is greener on the other side thing. I can't have this man so I want him all that much more is what it sounds like to me. Maybe if you step back a little you will find that she will step up next to you. Anyway just wanted to throw in my 2 cents.
KAW -- I'm sorry. Now you know what w. is dealing with...I was going to write "now you know what you have to deal with" but jethro's words ring true...
Quoting jethro: You still are a DB Master. Just because your W has chosen to remain locked in her internal battles is not a reflection of your efforts.
I have no words of wisdom unfortunately...stay strong and healthy...pull back while she works this out for herself...let us be here for you if we can...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks all for being here for me. Its what helps keep me sane with all the ramdom thoughts that run through my head now.
Quoting Bridget: It feels awful, but it's good when you can make sense of odd behavior, isn't it? ...
You know, I too have resorted to reading my H's private writings (email) to confirm the O-chick was back on the scene. Once I knew what was up with that, I didn't have to pry anymore. "Aha, so that's it!"
It's a low thing to do and I feel bad about it -- human, tempted, upset and relieved too.
Now you know.
Yea, I knew I'd be ducking some 2x4 on this, but I have resigned to the fact that W will not open up with me on her issues, so to keep me ground as where I feel we stand in this R, I snoop. Yea, its painful to read this stuff, but I end up feeling more grounded to be able to decide what path I need to take after knowing what path she wants to take. Bottom line it works for me.
Quoting Bridget: But what do you know? That she still has feelings for the jerk. That he dumped her.
Not exactly. Just because he isn't interested in a Mrs., doesn't mean he doesn't like having her at his beck and call. He did give her his new cell phone number, he does allow to keep in contact enough to keep her wanting more. So those feeling can't fade, if they keep getting rekindled.
Its not the feelings that really bother me either ... Its her yearning to act on them, despite the fact she knows she can't obtain true happiness that way, that does!!
My W contantly asks me why it is that I love her. It dawned on me today in clear words than I've been able to express before... Through my life, I have always felt second rate. To my parents, I was second rate, because I would never meet their expectations. With friends, I felt second rate in that I never had one felt I would be the first one that comes to mind to hang out with. In high school, I never had a date, because a girl never said yes. My first girlfriend had just come off a breakup prior to going out with me. It didn't take long for her to figure out I was her BF by proxy. Even with the kids, Mommy always seem to come to mind first before Daddy. And even tho, I wasn't my W's first H, since the time we first met, she always made me feel I was first rate to her. Even when times were not so good, she still made me feel that way.
I NO LONGER FEEL THAT WAY!!
It may turn out to be a natural progression for me now not to move too many mountains now. Let's face it, she's taken the steam out of my desire to do so anyway. Why should I?
Quoting bRIDGET: You could tell your W to pack up and take a hike.
I guarantee it would get results. Of course, you're way too nice for that.
Am I? Up to now that probably is true, but the way I feel right now ... I'm not so sure! Now that I know what it is to be first rate with someone, I no longer want to go back to accepting second rate. I'm starting to believe I will never be first again with W!
Actually, there's D9 to consider first! I would not do that to her for as long as she is under my wing. Another nine years of this crap! Another nine years in which my W may want to walk away!! Another nine years before, in which if she doesn't change, I can walk away. Like you said for now its livable.
Quoting Bridget: Love is not what you do when the sun shines. Love is what you do when it gets dark.
I like that! That sums up how I feel about it, but the question is it worth staying and investing more into an R with a person who doesn't feel the same way?
JJ, Lovelost, Lee, talitsa, and jethro, I'm sorry for not respond back directly, but I believe I touched on each of your thoughts in above too. The concern is heart-felt and I have such gratitude for it, but if nothing else comes about from this year of DBing, I have learned one day I will be first rate again!!! ... even if its just me.
