So sorry things are turning downward...of course you know abouthte snooping thing...yet maybe when you have the hard evidence is the time to confront..could she be leaving it so you will find it? If I was writing those things, I would keep on me at all times. I am angry too, for you, for all that you have tried..the enormous support you have shown her through her depression. It might be the time for you now...I know that sounds so easy to say, and hard to do.
One sure thing..you are much better for having come here and learned how to cope and take it slow, she is the one really losing in the end. Take care of you and your d's.
I find myself agreeing with pretty much everyone else in its time to drop the rope. If she wants this OM let her have him. She will find out really fast that she just lost the best thing in her life. I really think you should walk up to her and say well if you want him soooo badly then there you go. The Door is that direction and here are your car keys. Own up to the snooping and let it all hang out. It really can get much worse right now can it?
I have read a lot of your sitch and think wow she is lucky to have him she even realizes that she is lucky. I just dont get the mentality that you have to have to do this. Anyway just my 2 cents. keep your chin up, becuase things will get better.
I feel deeply for you and I'm sorry for the turn of events. You are getting alot of good advice here to confront W about her journal and show her the door.
If I were you, I'd be very, very angry and from my DB experience, this is not the right time to be making critical decisions. I hope you can cool off before making a decision on her.
Apologies if you have read MF's Sitch before, however if you haven't I would recommend you read up on it.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Not much is up. W has been pretty distant lately so I been letting her be. So I'm here trying to catch up a bit from home since a virus knocked out my computer at work over the last couple of days.
Sure been a lot of activity on this forum and WOW lotsa support here and I want to thank you all, plus welcome some of my newest neighbors. Some inspirational stuff written here lately and has a refreshing effect.
It also feels good to be validated about some of my more recent thoughts lately. Some of it about showing her the door. and as Sue has mentioned, I wonder if she might be leaving her journal out on purpose? Is it a cry for help or wanting to be discovered so I would want to D her?
Not sure what I want to do yet. Thoughts have been racing thru my mind. I'm trying to come up with a plan A, B, & C. First I think I'll wait until Father's Day to she what she may do. Then I might be able to approach her about not feeling as if I'm first rate with her and see where that leads. If she stays out over a weekend, I'm consider taking an impromtu vacation with D9 so that she will return to an empty house with no word as to where we are. Maybe visit my folks for a week or two whether that be in Myrtle Beach or Vermont. That would definately shake her up.
One thing is for sure! I know for sure it would be a big mistake for her to pursue this fantasy, but to be honest if she decides to do so, I don't feel I can continue being M to her. By the time she realizes it was the wrong thing to do, it will be to late, because I don't believe I would want her back. PERIOD. Like you guys have pointed out, I'm her rock, her security blanket. I don't want to be thought of as a blanket! I can't put up with her having urges to jump into the water only to discover its to cold and runs back to warm up in her blanket! Sorry folks! I'm not that nice a guy and I didn't mean for this to turn into another rant.
I wanted to hang out a bit last night to see if you'd respond to my last post, but alas, my W came home and I had to bolt.
Quote: One thing is for sure! I know for sure it would be a big mistake for her to pursue this fantasy, but to be honest if she decides to do so, I don't feel I can continue being M to her. By the time she realizes it was the wrong thing to do, it will be to late, because I don't believe I would want her back. PERIOD.
I totally understand, KAW. You've been nothing but understanding and supportive of your W.
Quote: I'm not that nice a guy and I didn't mean for this to turn into another rant.
You are a great guy, KAW, and I'll tell you what, if anyone deserves a rant you do!
Whatever decision you make, good luck, my friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Quoting lostlove: no no KAW, do not get w to start trying it...you try it yourself!!!
Today is the first time this week I feel I have something positive to post about!
Last evening after going out for dinner and picking up the car from the repair shop, we came home and it was the first night in which I didn't spend any time with W while we were both at home in over a year! She went to the bedroom and I decided to stay in the den. Made some phone calls, then jump onto the computer. Sorry I had just missed you Big-J.
At 10:00pm my W had fallen asleep, so I did wake her so she can take her Insulin shot, but I went right back into the den. Stayed up to 2:00 am, then went to bed. W woke up (I have never been able to sneek into bed without her knowing.) She made a comment about it being two am, but kept silent and had my back turned to her. The next thing I know, she is snuggling in next to me. Remain close all night, even after the alarm went off this morning. This morning while getting ready for work, she made me a bagel with creamcheese on her own.
Sounds a bit trite, doesn't it, but they are gestures she had stopped doing all together now for weeks ... so why today?
Sounds a bit trite, doesn't it, but they are gestures she had stopped doing all together now for weeks ... so why today?
Maybe because of what you did last night? Maybe the bit of distancing, and taking care of your needs first?
Who knows, but it's worth "experimenting" with, and trying it again, don't you think?
Maybe tonight you can get halfway closer, not pull back quite so far, and see what happens. Then, try the last night thing again in a couple of days.
Maybe kinda "hit-and-run" on this, and keep mixing it up every night, or a couple of times during each night.
"Why ask why"? You may have found something that works, so go with it!! Do it till it don't work no more, and then keep it mind that it may just work again sometime!!
You're more of a "master" than you realize!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hey, KAW, haven't posted to you in some time. Talk about "trite," to say I'm sorry about your current turn of events would definitely sound trite.
I think you remember my experience with snooping. I'm probably one of the only ones on this board who thinks it's justified. Worked for me, didn't it?
It's been almost a year since my snooping blasted my H's little fantasy world into pieces. I can honestly say we have never been happier. I plan to post my "happy ending" over on the MLC section very soon, as that was definately where I belonged for that year that I posted over here on piercing.
I know you feel horrible about what you found out from your snooping escapade, but there is power in knowledge, my friend. How you use that power is strictly up to you.
I can't tell you what I would give for a snuggle from my H. Enjoy it. Hold on to the good feelings it brought for times when it gets hard to find them. I am so sorry your situation took a yucky turn. Yours was one of the stories I followed and found hope in. Your are a wicked DBer so I don't have worthy advice. I'm still working out my DB mojo if you will. Maybe JJ is right about not being so attentive to her. Sometimes I think Ss have in the back of their mind we'll always be there no matter what. To leave to come back to no matter what. Maybe bottoming out my shake her up a bit. If you tried that it may get worse before it gets better. Me, I'm feeling a little like a doormat. Think I'll be attentively detached if there is such a thing. Hang tough.
You may have found something that works, so go with it!! Do it till it don't work no more, and then keep it mind that it may just work again sometime!!