Hey, KAW, I think you've got progress on your hands. She's the one who initated snuggling next to you. She's the one who made something for you. And all because you gave her a little of what she needed, and that goes a long ways. That was something that was so out of balance with my wife and I before. I was the giver. Rarely would she do something kind towards or for me. We were, as Michelle says, on the seesaw, and as long as I did all the work, she didn't have to. She knew I'd plan the getaways, I would take care of this for her, that for her, etc. etc. etc. After our seven and half month separation, when we got back together, I noticed she started doing little things for me. I enjoyed the attention. And yes, I told her I appreciated her doing those things. That meant a lot to me. That spoke love. I also made it clear that I wasn't taking the full load in taking care of romanitic things for us. I expected her to plan a trip or two, for her to "kidnap me" every once in awhile, or her to say, let's go do this. Having the give and take made things much better. My wife also appreciated the fact that I had learned to give her space when she needed it. Kind of funny, early in our relationship, I gave her single stem roses. I thought she liked it. Never complained. Turns out, she hates single stem roses, but never told me, until we got back together last November.(Mind you, we've been married ten years.) She had a friend who told her, "Let me get this right, you'd cut this guys left *!* off because you're mad that he doesn't give you bunches of flowers more often because you hate single stem roses, but you've never told him you hate single stem roses?" Learning what works, doing what works, is so important. I think, KAW, you found something that works! That's progress! Keep up the good work! We're cheering for you! Do Right
Hi, dude -- you sound good. You've got an awesome attitude -- and new conviction, sounds like to me.
Yes!
I hear you loud and clear: "I want to be number one -- your lover, your mate."
Not some old blanket.
This is progress. You deserve this.
Though, of course, in marriage we both become and curl up in our blankets, sometimes. Just not fair when it's not mutual.
No, I don't want to play that role, either. Don't wanna be mommy. Don't wanna be the old brown shoe.
I know I did some of that during my first year DB-ing. I was there, no matter what. I was the sandwich ma'am, the late-night-movie-house, the comfort inn.
Trying to get past that now. Wait -- let me re-phrase that: Gonna get past that now. I want it saucier, fairer, more mutual.
He'll have to earn his way home.
Ah, well, enough about me. Just letting you know I understand and support ya.
Hey..some tiny steps happening...you have been her rock for so long..maybe you need to step back, let her deal with herself, alone for awhile. I do know that as I call my h less, he seems to call more...take it slow..you are wise enough not to make any quick decisions..all of what we would be doing if not for learning all the right tools here!
Thanks for the support the little steps didn't last long.
Raining here for the third weekend in a row and the truck is still in the shop. The new starter installed disintergrate. Won't get it back until Tuesday, but hey I'm suppose to be listing three positive things, right.
- W called before I had left work said it was just the two of us. D9 was at a freinds house. Wanted me to bring home diner before we went to get truck. I told her the truck won't be ready. She exasperated, Now what do we do?! I told her I'd pick her up and take her out to dinner. Picked her up and asked where she would like to go. She replied, I don't care, just pick something. I had a taste for pasta and heard of a place the was suppose to be really good. One of those hole in the wall places, but they had an eggplant, veal and chicken parmesan with pasta. I hadn't had the combonation in at least ten years. The waiter took our order in a style that made the first impression scream out as "I'm gay". He complemented me on the choice of meals which ended with "Sweetheart", then patted me on the back when he walked away! I locked stares with my W and she just broke out laughing. Diner turned out great and very enjoyable after that. However, in order not to encourage the waiter, I only tipped the standard 20% despite the very friendly service.
- After diner we picked up W's Prozac after she had run out this morning.
- W had field day at school which meant running a BBQ outside as well as the kitchen inside. She was exhausted but did tell me all about her day. Afterwards, I gave her a backrub during which she fell asleep, then D9 came home.
Today has been a bit rougher so far. W woke up very quiet and distant again. Went out to sign D9 up for soccer next fall. W put her cell number on form rather than home number. My imagination just ran with that one!
Quoting longhaul: Think I'll be attentively detached if there is such a thing.
Oh there's such a thing! In fact, I like the way you coined it. Its the approach I used last year and it did work! I had 9 months of happiness that would not have happened at all if it weren't for DBing and the delicate balance of being "attentively detached". In my sitch, it just doesn't seem to be enough and don't think it will work this go around.
I have drawn the conclusion, my W will not settle for being content in this M if she believes there is a greater happiness out there and if the odds are slim to obtain it, she seems willing to risk all she has now to persue it.
I can't stop it. I'm coming to terms in accepting it and if she makes that choice, then I'm going to have to make a new life for myself. To be honest here, if my W decides to leave, it will be the first time in my forty years that I will be living on my own! Last year that terrified me. Now, I starting to find it kinda intriguing altho its still a bit scary.
DoRight, I was guilty of taking my W for granted plus over the years I stopped doing the little things I use to do for her. Over the last year I discovered how much I miss doing those things. I don't want to stop. I'm deeply sadden now that my W isn't looking for me to give those things to her anymore. It tears at me to discover something that makes me happier, but no longer have someone to do it for. Like the backrub, she still accepts some of these things and I still enjoy doing them, but it is not the same knowing she is not accepting them in the spirit they are given and that she has no desire to appreciate them.
Quoting Bridget: Hi, dude -- you sound good. You've got an awesome attitude -- and new conviction, sounds like to me.
I'm suprised to think I sound good. Much of the time, I feel I'm wallowing in sorrow. I want to pull myself out of it, but its a struggle right now.
Quoting hoping: Hey..some tiny steps happening...
Thanks Sue, but I think its more out of guilt. I think she know I'm hurting some, and that is why I distance. Makes her feel guilty and trys to console. Nothing more.
Well this is kinda ending on a low note, but it is how I feel today. Some how I need to find a way to get excited about striking out on my own, but its a desire I never had before.
Matty, Thank for dropping by. It has really meant alot!
Oh I remember your sitch very well and have contemplated alot as to whether or not mine would have a good chance of become a happy ending like yours.
The difference is I'm thinking about it too much!! You rected based on your gut feeling and spontaneity of emotion played alot into shocking your H. I also got the sense your H didn't really want to leave you to pursue his fantasy. I can tell with my W that being with me is holding her back from being able to persue hers. Those two difference are probably enough that the outcome would not be the same.
I agree on knowledge is power and it helped me know how to stay the course last year, but I don't see a clear course this time on how to use the power or if it really is a power this time.
You betcha there's a fun life for you, no matter what.
Dropping by with dessert mints -- yum, your dinner sounds wonderful -- tee hee -- think you could pull off getting a pat on the back from a woman waiter next time? Give that W a jolt!
You mentioned on my thread that maybe I could help you with some advice.... I'm just letting you know that I will read this thread first. From what I recall, I remember that I envied you how well you were doing when I first came across your posts.
KAW..I know the feeling of maybe being on your own.. it is scary..I think about it less, as h and I seem to be "doing" more. I think I would be ok except for the money thing..I can't afford to live on my own...h makes 1 1/2 x what I do...so should I settle for what I have now..guess so.
I've read enough to be really amazed by how similar my sitch is to yours. It's uncanny how many of us seem to be living the same nightmare. (are you actually married to MY wife?)
So, I'm curious about how I can help, especially in the context of the words you chose to quote in my last note to you on my old thread..... communication (in the realm of sharing about ourselves). And trust. And acceptance. And respect.
I believe these are key, and I do see where you might gain from some reminding about them.... What can I do to help???
I hope I don't sound superior. I've learned much from reading your posts, and I see so much of me in what you are going through. I've also been around this board long enough to know that it's the subtle differences in the similiar sitches that are the most valuable. Your sitch sounds so close to mine...
Don't really have much to add right now...but you mentioning how your W snuggled you out of "guilt" made me think of something about my sitch. I asked my W once why she continued to snuggle me in bed while having her A...while having "no" feelings for me... Her response was that it was comforting. I think, like my W, your W finds great comfort in you. Go figure... Anyway, I believe there is strength in this comfort. I'm just hoping your W will tap into it before it's too late.
I locked stares with my W and she just broke out laughing. Diner turned out great and very enjoyable after that. However, in order not to encourage the waiter, I only tipped the standard 20% despite the very friendly service. 
