Slowly, I am thinking of you. Ellie is asking some good questions. Why is your H so opposed to going back? In my own situation, I sometimes think that H will have to move out of this state to get away from "anyone who knows" what he's done. is that what's going on with your H?
Thanks so much for the perspective. I had been losing it.
Originally Posted By: kml
And then, there's the bottom line - what else is going on in the R? Because usually, if the spouse is everything you ever dreamed he could be and the R is fabulous - then it wouldn't probably seem like such a sacrifice to be there, no? So what's brewing underneath?
This is probably the most telling. I feel we are back to where we were pre-a. Working, dining together, sleeping together, but nothing else really. He shares more of himself, but seems to have become a slightly depressed, fearful self. Because I now freelance, I work from home and we have the 1 car between us. The default now is for everything to be shared, but ends up being a protracted negotiation. Cost of living here means we cannot do anything different.
Originally Posted By: kml
Seems to me H wants to stay in Asia because he feels like a success there, and not at home. Is that correct? If so, it's asking a lot to ask him to go back to where he feels incompetent or a failure.
There is a lot to this, if only from the perspective that it is an 'easy' work life. His expertise, experience and manner makes it possible to stand out, but he does not seem in pursuit of success, rather of maintaining the status quo. He has pushed back on a couple of promotion offers and defines his workday in terms of the least hours he needs to work, and as many of those at home. Despite the fact that other than work, there is no other interest. Unlike when we are at home, when he finds the energy and motivation to dig into several projects - around the house, with the car, with friends.
Originally Posted By: kml
What is it you miss most about home? Is there any way to accomplish getting some of what you want, while still accommodating his desire to work in Asia? Could you, for instance, spend 3 months out of the year at home? Recreate some of the things you miss from home there in Asia?
I miss the cooler weather. Getting flushed now, which in this heat, and despite air-conditioning, is unbearable. I miss the work environment, and in fact have started taking on work in the UK, and have to go back more frequently anyway. This has been happening for the past 4 months, which means I'm running 2 houses. I could continue, but wonder why we are doing this. We are being evacuated from the place we are living in on 31 Dec, and the thought of managing a transition to a new place to live just horrifies me. Maybe I'll just leave town and come back after it has all been done.
Certainly you've given me much to think about. Thanks, Ellie
Wow, Slowly, your post bums me out. I'm sorry to hear this.
Seems to me like maybe you're feeling like he isn't holding up his end of the bargain? Like maybe he promised you that this TDY assignment would last for a finite period and now he's reneging on his promise to you?
Sounds like you have some tough conversations in front of you. The Slowly I remember would address the elephant in the living room and listen carefully to what he has to say about things...
Hope you have a peacful weekend. I've missed your wise counsel, friend.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey How lovely to see you in this neck of the woods.
Life here continues to rage on. With NG, it's always a case of catching him when he is in the mood to casually drop a clue or two about how he feels. If I'm reading him correctly, his fear is that there will not be any jobs if he moved back, as his company is making cuts. At the same time, he confesses to not trying too hard, as he feels it would be a waste of time and energy. Plus, he feels that at his age, he should not have to 'look for work'. His previous 5-6 roles, he has been offered them, based on his track record. So I can see how initiating a move may seem like too much hard work for him.
The underlying assumption is that whatever is fine for him will be for me. Right now, I'm feeling quite unvalidated. That may in fact be at the root of my problems, as this has been a trend over the past 2-3 years. Perhaps I need to focus on honing my 'asking' skills?
Oh how I still need to be here. Things are better than good, but for a while there, I had forgotten the basics and let myself drag the R into choppy waters.
Originally Posted By: Underdog
The Slowly I remember would address the elephant in the living room and listen carefully to what he has to say about things...
Turns out he has been hedging his bets, and looking carefully at how the recession pans out on both parts of the world. I just wish I had asked the right questions. Sooo, it is back to the DR for me, as clearly I need the refresher.
