The flame is flickering out...

[SirPrizeMe]

I'll tell you, I came back to the board after a few weeks away, and I've found some new names, but the situations are all so similar. There's nothing really new under the sun, is there?

This morning I read about a person who was havign affairs for 3 years, and then finally "woke up". She now wants to rebuild her marriage. That kind of story gives me hope. Not sure the hope is healthy for me just now, but it is hope. Three years! It is unimaginable. Could I possibly wait that long? Mother;s Day weeks will be W's 2 year anniversary of the beginning of her physical affair with my best friend. (The EA started looooong before). Won't that be a nice date to remember?

[CBK]

Sir, I am one of those new names with a similar sitc. I have been struggling every day to make heads or tails of this. My W has been having an A for almost a year, she wasn't going to to tell me because she thinks the separation has nothing to do with the A - I agree, but I said the reason you will not work on the M now is because of the A! Oh well.

Question - did you expose the A to anybody? I have been getting all sorts of messages. I promised W that I would not expose to anybody - but man, I wish I would not have promised. More than anything, I feel I should tell S19 and D20 the truth and let the OM wife know. What are your thougts? How did you handle?

thanks

CBK

[Broken Tree]

Good to hear from you SPM. I hope things straighten out for you.

[dl443322]

Hey SPM, I am so glad you came back to let us know you are hanging in there. I took a break from here for a little while, also. I truly believe that the truth will always win out eventually. Right now, just concentrate on yourself and your wonderful children. Do not worry about your W or your future with her. I know how very strong you are and how much you love your kids. At the end of the day, feel confident that you are doing the right thing, that truth is on your side and that you can never go wrong when you put your kids first. Keep in touch.

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks BM, you are always so supportive. and good advice.

I do want to focus on the children, but I felt that I was squeezed pretty hard. W refused to move or sell the house, changed the locks and filed a petition for protection against me. She also petitioned for financial support in excess of my monthly take-home pay, and got it. The result is that I had no house in which to see my kids, I was legally barred from seeing them anyway, and I had no money with which to soothe my sorrows. Pitiful indeed.

At this point I am re-building. I cannot fulfill the court ordered support payments, so I will do the best I can while at the same time establishing a new (rented) home for me and my kids. I refuse to get squashed. What has happened to me is ridiculous, and it is all W's doing, but I won't let her stop me. I will work to fulfill my dreams, I will be the best father I can be, and that means providing a safe and happy home for me and my kids. I hope she can do the same. By the same token I really wish she would stop harassing me financially and legally.

I am not worrying about W. I have not spoken to her in 10 weeks, because of her petittion for protection. I have informed her family from time to time about what I know of her. I think she is still tilting at windmills. I think she needs help. I hope they see it.

I do so want to believe that the truth will come out eventually. My friends say it, her friends say it, everyone encourages me this way. This is the kind of thought that keeps me from "taking the gloves off" and retaliating against her legally. I see no benefit in that, though many people have advised me to do it. I think me striking back (for example, assasination of her character as a mother, which is a very plausible case to make) would make people feel vindicated on my behalf. But it wouldn't benefit me, and it won't benefit the children, and finally, it just ain't me to do that kind of thing.

anyway... I still think she needs help and I hope her family are hip to the groove. Because she is not accepting help from me at this point.

[SirPrizeMe]

CBK!

Question - did you expose the A to anybody? I have been getting all sorts of messages. I promised W that I would not expose to anybody - but man, I wish I would not have promised. More than anything, I feel I should tell S19 and D20 the truth and let the OM wife know. What are your thougts? How did you handle?

I have younger kids and have not told them everything. To the youngest I said "we're getting a divorce" and to the oldest I said "this is not what I wanted, this is not my idea, I wanted to keep the family together, I never wanted this. But it is happening anyway." Careful to be clear about my own feelings, but at the same time not directly articulating any judgment against his own mother.

As for a 19 year old? I think that is a person who deserves to know the deal. You promised W not to expose her? WHY? That sounds like bullspit to me. That is pure avoidance. Sorry CBK but it sounds like you made a bad promise there. A 19 yr old or a 20 yr old deserves respect, and that means no deception, no hiding unpleasant facts.

As for other adults - yes I told her father, her mother, her siblings, my friends, my family, family friends. At this point I see no point in hiding it. At first when she was assuring me it was "over" I did not tell anyone. I assumed we would handle it quietly and gracefully. But "it's over" meant "I really don't want you to bother me about my affair." and so when I realized that, I went to people and sought counsel. Again, not to embarass or shame my wife, though I recognize that as a side effect. At that point though, I was seeking support for myself, and I was not interested in protecting her lies and deception.

I tell them everything, including the schedule of the affair, when she started, who it was (a close family friend (by the way, great idea for an affair partner!)), and all the allegations that she has leveled at me since then.

I have been completely honest and open about it. At first I was ashamed and then I came to the realization that it is not for me to be ashamed. I refuse to own that shame. I am sad but not ashamed. It is not my actions that led to the sad destruction of 2 famillies. Everyone says [i]it takes two to tango[i], but that is baloney, revisionist, relatavistic thinking. It takes two to make a marriage good. It takes only one to mess it up completely. Truth.

So yes, I tell everyone.

I told the neighbors. I told the teachers at school. I told the real estate agent, so she is clear as to why I am out of the house and why I want to sell so fast (because I want my own place, to see the kids).

At the same time old wifey is attempting to hide it from everyone. She told her father that I filed for divorce. ME! It's so ridiculous. Why would she say this? To save face I suppose. She is a flat liar. On the day I received divorce papers, I had spoken to her father in the morning and he told me, "I don't know if you realize this, but your wife wants to reconcile!" My heart jumped, because I had not seen this at all. Well later that day, the one who wanted to reconcile filed papers. Hmm, odd way to pursue reconciliation, dontcha think?

So I called her father back to let him know, and he said, "Yes, she told me you filed for divorce." I was incredulous. I corrected him of that misperception and then I said, look, this is happening in a pattern. This is not an isolated incident. she's not being honest. I just want you to know that. She's telling you stories.

I make it a point to be very clear and honest in all my communications - factual, not judgmental (to the extent I can) but very true and clear. She brought another man into my bed, while I was away but my kids were in the house. She filed for divorce. Period. She continued to talk to her affair partner while we went to counseling. Period. She went on dates with him, even after we moved away to a different town. Period. I did none of these things. I did not schedule the dates, draw up the D papers, or ring the man's phone to schedule sex. She did these things. She tries to blame me for this, but it was not me. I am sad but I am not ashamed. I did not do these things. I am not perfect but I will not own her shameful actions.

In the midst of this she is continuing to lie. She is saying that I cut off the children, that I abused her, and so on. Because I have always been open and honest about it, and because they know she is deceiving them, people know the deal. Even people who she would call "her friends" (instead of "our friends"). They know. It's painful for them to know, but they know. And that's enough for me. They hate what is happening. They wish they could do something. I have to re-assure these people that when I tell them what is happening, I am not asking them to do anything. Most people empathize and really want to fix the problem. That is not my goal. I don't seek a fix. I only want them to know. I want them to know. One day, maybe next week, next year, or 10 years from now, the truth will help them, or my kids, or my wife.

So yes, pretty much everyone who cares about me or my kids, knows of my wife's affair and subsequent long term pattern of deception. Her family knows about her drinking problems. They often don't want to know. They don't want to hear the truth. When I called to report that my wife is now accusing me of sexual abuse, her sister asked me to stop telling her these things. It is too painful for even them to hear. I am sorry they cannot face the truth. Regrettable. But my wife will eventually need help, and she has shut me out. At some point, someone needs to be there for her, eventually. Her family, I hope. And they need to know this information. It is like a family medical history. They need to know it. It is not right to hide it. They must know. I am sorry, but they have a responsibility to know. They are family. They must know.

Secrets are poison. It is painful at first, and you don't want to tell people this news. But it is the truth and the truth is not for hiding. Hiding gets you affairs and mistrust and misunderstanding. Truth will set you free. Cliche, but true.

I also will tell my kids the truth about their mother, when the time comes. I think when they are 15 or 16 or 17. At some point, in a quiet moment, they will say, "What DID happen, Dad? Why?" And I will tell them. And it is not to crucify my wife. It is to be clear to them about who we both are.

See, my wife's mom did this to my wife's dad. When my wife was 6 yrs old, her mom had an affair, then couldn't face it, couldn't accept responsibility. She pushed away her husband, accused him of all sorts of crimes, literally ejected him from his daughter's life by her actions. My wife hated her father for a long time, assumed he "abandoned her". And that was just unfair and one-sided. Only now, only after my wife herself had an affair at 40 years of age, did she learn the truth of her mother and father. Only now! Can you believe it?! She never knew of her mother's infidelity.

Isn't that panifully ironic? Had my wife only known about her own family history, maybe she would have been more mindful of her own actions. (woulda coulda shoulda)

My wife always assumed her mother was "wronged" by her father but the fact is her mother blew up the family and refused to do the good work to rebuild it. I'm sure the father had something to do with the crisis in his marriage, but he was willing to fix it and she refused. He was willing to have a relationship with the kids but the mother harassed him until he couldn't stand it anymore. You can call him weak but knowing her mother, I cannot blame him.

That will not happen with my kids. They will know the truth. They will know the hell their mother perpetrated on the family. They will know the efforts I put forth to save the family. They will know the efforts I put forth to merely have time to visit with them. They will know she tried to pull them away from me permanently. I don't want them to hate her. I want them to love her, and I know they will, but for the true flawed person she is. I want them to learn from their own history. They will know the perils of not loving their mate, of not making a conscious effort every day to fulfill your marriage vows. They will know.

As for the Other Man's wife? Very delicate. I think of the golden rule. If it were me, would I want to know? YES. It is a simple matter of courtesy. Let me ask you this - if you drove through the neighborhood and noticed a hole in your neighbor's roof, with rain pouring in, would you notify them? If you noticed the barn door open and the horses walking out the fenced pasture, would you notify the farmer? if you noticed a stranger picking $20 bills from someone's pocket on a crowded sidewalk, would you notify the person? How much more serious is this issue? Would you want to know? I would. Why should shame stop us from delivering the truth?

BUT,
the OM's wife is not you. She may not want to know, even faced with the truth. She may be like my wife's sister and want to squeeze her eyes shut and pretend that it will go away. She may react angrily. She may break down. She may come after YOU, and blame YOU for what your spouse has done. She may get violent.

So it is delicate. maybe there is a gentle, good way to do it. Maybe you know someone who knows the OM's wife, and the three of you can sit down together. Maybe you know the pastor of her church. Because it is so serious, you may need to present irrefutable evidence. Not just "I just know."

I don't know the situation you are in. As I said, in the beginning when I thought we would work it out quietly, I agreed to not share the information. But as the affair continued and W began to disrespect her marriage, I did not hide the truth. I would strongly encourage you to consider the value and timing of the truth.

[CBK]

SPM - thanks for the reply. This is very helpful. Had a very good talk with W tonight. Although I still hold her secret, I told her why it was difficult right now. Basically, what you said above - that she is disrespecting me and the family. I take your words very seriously and will keep them in mind. I need to play all my cards correctly right now. I do know OM is in counseling, but am pretty sure OMW has no idea of the affair. You are right, she may come unglued - but I have a note that was sent to OM from W - so evidence I have.

Tonight, we had the talk with kids, they were great. They didn't ask about who was at fault, we did say that we have a lot of issues we are dealing with - they didn't question us. Good or bad. I did tell W I would not lie to kids if they asked, so I know she was relieved at the end.

Thanks again, this was a very helpful post.

CBK

[CBK]

SPM - thanks for the reply. This is very helpful. Had a very good talk with W tonight. Although I still hold her secret, I told her why it was difficult right now. Basically, what you said above - that she is disrespecting me and the family. I take your words very seriously and will keep them in mind. I need to play all my cards correctly right now. I do know OM is in counseling, but am pretty sure OMW has no idea of the affair. You are right, she may come unglued - but I have a note that was sent to OM from W - so evidence I have.

Tonight, we had the talk with kids, they were great. They didn't ask about who was at fault, we did say that we have a lot of issues we are dealing with - they didn't question us. Good or bad. I did tell W I would not lie to kids if they asked, so I know she was relieved at the end.

Thanks again, this was a very helpful post.

CBK

[dl443322]

Hey Sir, that is so wrong about the amount of money you have to pay.

Anyway, this is how I have tried to handle things. Of course, your situation is different, but I told my h that I will maintain my dignity and my moral compass throughout this. I will not stoop to his level. I know my truth, I know that at the end of the day, I can put my head on my pillow with a clear conscience. I always put my son first. So it is with that in mind that I decide my actions. I want my s to see that I have kept my self-respect. I truly feel that in the end, you cannot go wrong if you take the high road.

SPM, I know that you will do the right thing. Your wife is spinning out of control. Just get out of the way. Take each thing in small steps. You are right, pay what you can - thats all you can do. Begin getting a home for your children. Let them know they could always count on you. Really, kids dont need much in the way of stuff, they just want their daddy.

Hang tight, dont give up - there is too much at stake. I know people mean well when they say get back at her. But they are not in your shoes. Do what you feel is best. I believe that there is nothing gained my striking back.

You will be ok, I know it. I can feel it. Keep on keepin on, my friend.

[SirPrizeMe]

CBK, I hope you can stay strong and look for the good path.