I guess it's time to get to work

[Sara]

Michael,

This is exactly why Retrouvaille does work. Piecing by yourselves at home is a minefield. The outside world intrudes on you and affects your thinking. Retrouvaille is a safe place that you go to, removed from the outside world -- no friends, no business, no deadlines, etc. (You can bring your cellphones, but it's best to use it as little as possible.)

It is 2 uninterrupted days of focusing on what is important to each of you in the marriage. And talking to each other about those things. Truth is, our lives are so interrrupted by outside things, we never have a chance to be really quiet and think for ourselves. This is a 48 hour chance to do that.

And the presenters give you questions to think about. They even teach you how to frame questions for yourselves, avoiding the pitfall of negative thinking. Because we all have a little voice inside us that thinks we will fail, and advises us to give up.

The forces inside and outside of ourselves that influence us need to be quieted so you can really get in touch with what you want. Now this isn't a guarantee that you will both end up saying what you want is the marriage. But is does give you the chance to think the questions over in a productive setting. And if she has said it before, I would think she will come to that conclusion again.

My husband and I were not thinking reconciliation when we walked in the door to Retrouvaille. We were looking for a way to call a truce and just end hostilities. But when we quieted down and looked inside, we found the same people we were 28 years ago when we got married. And those people loved each other. Funny how we lost them along the way!

[Dr LOve]

MMC,

Ya got Mail

H

[Concerned_Listener]

Michael,
Illuminata wrote an excellent description of the Piecing skills needed for the LBS. I think all posters new to the Piecing forum should review it. It will highlight the skills needed for you.

I understand your disappointment regarding your W's recent actions. The challenge is to be disappointed without spinning into negative thoughts that keep you unbalanced.

It sounds like healing is occurring in your M right under your nose. Hold onto your hope that things will get better, and faith in yourself to navigate this phase.

CL

[Michael Mc C]

Thank you Sara. I am going to use this information and have an actual discussion with my wife about Retro instead of simply sending her links via email.

[Michael Mc C]

CL - I think I'll try to find that post you mentioned, thanks.

My wife sent me an email yesterday morning before I left for the office. It was both reassuring and funny. I took the drive into the office to really think about things and came to the realization that, much like I have tried to do throughout this ordeal, I need to remember who my wife really is. It's not that hard now because she has returned. No fog. No alien. Like me she is nervous, she has doubts and she has trust issues. Although our trust issues are worlds apart, trust is still trust.

I got home from the office and she was already in her pajamas. I told her she looked very snuggly. I said you should come snuggle with this. I had bags in my hands and she said "Why, what do you have?" I put the bags down and said "Just me." She came up and gave me the warmest hug I've had in a long time.

Time, patience and mutual understanding.

[Sara]

That sounds really nice, MMC. It is amazing how much good nice statements like that do for a marriage!

[Michael Mc C]

Things have been almost surreal. I am trying to keep my head straight with all of this. She has returned. We both have healing to do and some growing as well. I know it's going to be a while yet but willing to put in the work.

[LL44]

Oh Michael, I am so thrilled for you. What wonderful news. There is work ahead, yes. But you are teaming up to tackle it. So great!

[hopeforfuture]

I got home from the office and she was already in her pajamas. I told her she looked very snuggly. I said you should come snuggle with this. I had bags in my hands and she said "Why, what do you have?" I put the bags down and said "Just me." She came up and gave me the warmest hug I've had in a long time.

Perfect move there Michael. Sounds like it was very effective. I think the little endearing or flirty things like that often slip out of our daily interactions which is partly what contributed to the messes we all find ourselves in. Just keep doing more of the same.

Have you spoke to her about Retro yet?

[Michael Mc C]

My wife and I had an unexpected talk last night which left me with some very mixed feelings. The best part of the conversation was her openness and the fact that she is showing a real effort in trying to make our marriage work.

I have posted a few times (at least a few) that I take full responsibility for my contribution to the stagnation and souring of our marriage. Last night my wife pointed out something that I hadn't taken into consideration and damn it, she's right.

I made a sexual comment to my wife last night in private and she gave me a look of disgust. I asked her why she seemed bothered by it and she told me that she finds a lot of my comments and actions demeaning. I defended myself telling her that I am only kidding around and besides, we used to always joke around this way.

She told me (mostly my words, I can't remember ver batim...) 1) joking around from time to time is fine but when it becomes a constant, predictable response it becomes insulting and demeaning, 2) although we both used to act in this way, we're in a mature relationship and we should do what we can to "unlearn" this legacy behavior because it does not represent a truly loving and caring relationship and 3) in response to my comment "you never told me it bothered you", she said "I'm telling you now because we can't fix our marriage while this continues".

It was eye-opening. She is correct in saying that at times I treat her more like a sexual object than someone I truly care about. Obviously this was never my intention but nonetheless it happens. I thanked her for her honesty and told her that I am going to work on this. She went further and said that while she believes I love her and care about her for HER, she sometimes feel like she is wanted for no more than some physical fulfillment. She wants a relationship with someone that appreciates who she is, not how sexy she is. She said "If I wanted that, I could get it on any street corner."

and...

She continued with her openness (ouch) and told me that this past summer I had treated her, and a lot of our women friends with a great deal of disrespect through similar behavior. My disrespect towards her was doubled because no one but my wife should receive the attention I was giving women.

I am a flirt but I KNOW that this summer there were times when I pushed the limits and I KNOW I was disrespectful to all involved.

The second best part of the conversation was the fact that she told me these things without accusing me of anything. She was not angry, she was not throwing my past transgressions in my face - she was simply telling me the truth about how my behavior makes her feel. She also stated that she has noticed that I had already shown improvement regarding this even though we never really discussed it before.

So... my immediate reaction was to sit back and think about all the times that I behaved in that way (a few times yesterday alone...). I was ready to beat myself up about it and as if she could hear my thoughts she said "I don't want to rehash all the times this happened, nothing can be done to change that. We need to work on how we're going to move forward from here."

As a pre-cursor to this converation, by the way, she commented on how she has made her own mistakes in our sitch (behavior leading up to the OM and the relationship with the OM).