I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it here and in the Separated area. Sorry for the double post.
I don't even really know where to start to explain my story. H has been thinking about leaving for a little over a year. I didn't know that he was feeling this way until recently. We decided to see a MC, but after 2 sessions it was pretty obvious that he felt it was too late. He says he doesn't love me anymore, and he doesn't think counseling can fix this. He left on March 7. We have two kids, S4 and D2. S4 is struggling to understand this. D2 is doing OK for now, but only because she is too young to realize what is going on.
Basically, this is where we are now. H is staying at his grandmother's house, but he just got an apartment. We also just bought a piece of land that he intends to help me build a house on for the kids and I to live in. He wants to keep our existing house, but the kids and I are staying in it for the time being.
I work for H's family, so that is pretty difficult. His parents are completely on my side in this. They do not understand how he can just walk away from his family without trying to first repair whatever damage is there. It just doesn't make sense to them.
I have continued the counseling on my own to help me get through this. I have spoken to H, and he knows how I feel. I told him that I wanted slow things down. It feels like we are on a speeding freight train careening towards inevitable divorce. He has agreed to slow things down. He says that nothing is permanent, but that right now he feels like this is what he wants.
He wanted to share an attorney, but I told him no. I have already consulted an attorney. There are several in the family. I told H that I did not want to share an attorney because I do not want this divorce. I know that if we share one, I will be doing all the legwork and he will just sign the papers. I told him that I didn't want to hold his hand and walk him through the process of divorcing me. If he wants to do that, he has to do it on his own. I also told him that I love him and that if I just let him walk away that easily, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I haven't read the books mentioned here, but I have been lurking for a week or so. I ordered DR from amazon last night, and it should arrive sometime today. Any advice in the meantime would be great. H is coming over today to help with some house repairs, and I don't know how I am supposed to act in front of him. I know I am not supposed to get emotional, but this is still so fresh. I am having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. Please help me get through this. I don't want my marriage to end.
Wow, you sound really together. Sounds like you are doing things right so far. Continue to give H his space. I'm glad you are doing the IC, they will help you by talking through what you are doing and staying on the right track. No sense in the MC if H isn't willing to work on the M right now. Hopefully he will work on himself, then the M.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
I don't know how "together" I am. I am having a hard time when I see him. I keep asking him inappropriate questions like "Don't you even miss me?" "Does this not bother you?" "Why are you doing this to us?" All questions and things I KNOW I shouldn't be saying. I just have this compulsion to make him see my pain. I can't seem to stop. I really don't know how I am supposed to act in front of him today. Do I just ignore him, act casual, leave the room? I have no idea.
Edge, my heart goes out to you because I see a lot of my own behaviors in what you are saying. I know totally what you mean. You have been in so much pain and you want your H to feel some of that to just get a clue as to how badly you hurt. You are right...you need to stop asking those questions. They are not going ot help your situation with your husband and he can't answer them.
When you see him today, you need to not mention your marriage at all. It is almost impossible, believe me I know. That is the one thing that you are thinking about day in and day out. You wake up in the morning with it on your mind and go to bed crying (alright at least I do) because of it. But you can't talk to your husband about it unless he brings it up. You need to act like you are somewhat happy and act casual. Ask him basic and generic questions. Talk about the weather...talk about something you saw on the news. Then let him be to work on what he needs to work on.
I know it is hard. And I fail at it every day. But keep strong and show him by your actions that you still love him. You can't tell him anymore, but he needs to see that in you.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I will do my best not to talk R with him at all. I had a major setback in that area yesterday. I could tell it just frustrated him. He said it bothers him that I think he isn't hurting. It just seems like this is so easy for him. He acts so "OK with it". S4 called him yesterday to talk about his birthday. I talked with him for a few minutes, but didn't talk R at all. He was upset that I am smoking again. I asked what did he care, and he said "You are the mother of my kids. I still care!" Then I told him I had to go.
OK so I decided to just get out of the house when he needs to come over today. The kids and I are going to the movies. I think it is best if I don't see him right now. Is that the right move?
I know what you're going through. I have a D6 who is in the middle of it all. My H also tells me how hard this is on him but then he seems like everything is great.
Please remember though that just because they leave doesn't mean they stop caring about you. Letting go doesn't mean you stop caring about someone.
Have you thought of going to a movie by yourself and leaving the kids with him for a few hours? That way you get some "me" time.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I think I could definitely use some "me" time. H has the kids every other weekend and every Wednesday. I have been trying to use that time for self reflection. It is still pretty early in our separation, so that usually means alot of tears. I am coming to see that from H's actions, what he really wants right now is space and time. I am going to give him that. He is going to our lake house this weekend to fish with his dad and uncle. I know he plans on returning on Sunday, but I don't know if he intends to contact me then. I am just going to try to make this a good holiday weekend for the kids and me. The kids are really looking forward to this movie today. This is a 180 for me, and I know H knows it. I usually don't bring the kids to the movies alone. He usually comes along, and if he doesn't I cancel the plans. I am hoping he will see that I am trying to make sure the kids are taken care of with or without him. I don't know if he notices this, but it is a change for me.
i was doing the same thing for awhile. i have learned how to bite my tongue and act all casual but that usually only lasts for a short time. then i find myself not saying anything at all. which i think is better. that way i don't feel degraded and pathetic afterwards.
i know it's the hardest thing in the world to do (especially when not too long ago this was the person you told EVERYTHING to)but it does work. H has told me that he is impressed with me for holding it together and i can tell he is curious as to why.
i really do think your best bet is to act casual if you can. then cry after he leaves if you need to. that's what i do! and everytime it gets a little easier...sometimes i don't cry at all.
Me: 31 H: 29 T: 10 yrs M: 4 1/2 yrs 01/08: MLC 03/17/08: H moved out no kids 3 dogs
