Edge, you sound better than you did yesterday already. I know how hard it is to be alone in the beginning. I did a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself when I first had to leave my Ds w/ H. Now I actually look forward to it. I didn't have any alone time until our S began. Try to find something you always wanted to do but couldn't because of your kids.
I noticed this morning you are in LA. I lived there for several years. I wish I was there now as we got snow last night.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Edge, you DO sound like you are doing a bit better. I am so glad! I am happy that you went to see that movie with the kids and with the Play-Dough! These are great steps and I am glad that you see that.
It is alright to feel sad and angry and have all of those emotions. I just realized that this past week.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I have definitely been feeling sad and angry, but I am using this time away form H to feel those emotions in full. I need to get that out when I can so that I can be aloof when I see him. I still don't feel like he knows what he wants with this. I am holding on to that for now.
I totally understand the mass of emotions going through you right now. I try not to let my fear, anger and sadness show to neither H not D but it's so damn hard. D asks my whats wrong and when I tell her I'm fine she says "you don't look fine". Why do 6YOs have to be so observant??
I hope you have a nice, peaceful Easter!
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Night time is really hard for me. This is the time that H and I spent together. The kids were in bed, and we would just talk. I miss that. The silence in the house is deafening. I'm glad I can at least come here to get this out. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I am taking an antidepressant, and one of the side effects is insomnia. My doc gave me a sleeping pill too, but that just doesn't seem wise with 2 preschoolers in the house. So here I sit at the computer. I am trying to keep up my PMA. H is out of town right now, so I can't even really begin DBing. He isn't here to notice. He should be back sometime tomorrow. Who knows, maybe some time away at the lake has given him some perspective. I hate to think like that because I just know he will come back and it will be more of the same. I just have to remember that I am the one changing right now. I can't focus on him. I have to focus on me.
Kids and I went to church this morning. Then we went to my parents house after for Easter lunch. I have 5 sisters and brothers, so that was a little difficult. Most of them do not know that H and I have separated so it was a difficult thing to tell them when they asked where H was. I got through it ok. The kids and activities were a welcome distraction. I got to have a LONG talk with one of my SIL's about my situation. She and my brother have struggled in the past and come out the other side. She had some insights for me, and was basically just a good listener for me.
I am home now. H is supposed to be returning from the lake this afternoon. I am really just trying to occupy my mind so I am not tempted to call him. I guess my DBing really starts now. It was easy when he was out of town this weekend because there was no way to contact him. Now my challenge begins. I am just taking deep breaths when I am tempted and distracting myself.
Don't call H. Let him contact you, even if he doesn't call today. When he does call, be pleasant on the phone and don't bring up R. It's very difficult to do but you must detach. Pursuing H will push him further away. Good luck!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Wow Edie...I am proud of you for going to the family for Easter. I was invited to see my family, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I just don't know what to tell all of my aunts and uncles and cousins and Grandma. I still think things are going to work out and I don't want anyone to have a bad attitude towards H.
But...things worked out for me. H didn't go to his familes and we had a nice dinner just the two of us instead. It was a frozen dinner, but still it was nice.
Just remember to stay calm, cool and collected. Even if your voice wavers a little...don't cry. Take a deep breath and keep going. Don't talk about the R (even though you want to) and try to sound happy.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Morning all! No contact yesterday. That is good for me, but I was hoping he would call. The kids haven't asked to call him either. I usually ask them if they want to call Daddy, but I have decided not to do that either. I think I have just been using that as an excuse to call him. I gotta stop finding excuses. As long as there is no contact today, H should definitely take notice. It has been several days since we have had contact at all. We'll see what happens. I've got to keep reading the LRT section of DR to keep myself on track.
Man, I am having a hard time today. I am off work today with the kids, so there isn't really much to distract me. I am doing laundry and cleaning house. Just having a down day I guess. Tomorrow should be better. I'll be back at work, plus I have a session with my IC. Hopefully that will help me to feel a little better about my situation.
