I wish I could figure out where my H was.....how do you know??
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I'm almost 2 years into the beginning of my he**. At first H said he would go to MC, wanted to go---maybe twice a week. Then when we actually got started it was once a week then once every two weeks, then he couldn't go with me anymore because all I did was complain. MC met with us individually. Said she didn't understand H's reaction, that she thought sessions were going well.
A year passes we try to meet together again, still no progress, he's unwilling to make effort. 14 months pass, no progress. No R talk. H unwilling to do anything to make effort. I give him space. I leave him alone, then I get E-MAIL saying he "doesn't have what it takes to work on us." If I agree we need to go back to MC to discuss the end. I respond with e-mail saying I do not agree.
One month passes, I am working extra hard on PMA (and DBing), and doing a good job displaying it. Then another E-MAIL saying the same thing, that he doesn't have what it takes, that it's not something I can fix, it's just the way he feels. We need to go to MC.
I tell him he needs to go. He has issues to work on first. He goes and tells MC he wants D. Still unwilling to talk. Still unwilling to put forth effort.
This whole time he's still at home. Still acts "as if" all is well to the world. I know the kids know things aren't right, but I know they have no idea. H says if I agree to D and do this right they will not be hurt for long. Wants me to just go to mediation, sign papers and act as if it's a legal process only. Says it will be hard on the kids if I make this difficult---my fault if they have a problem with it.
I told MC I refuse to talk D.
How long do I stand. I know it's MLC. I know none of it makes sense, but am I really just supposed to let him end this----his way----to not make waves??
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Sg, In my case, there is no OW and my H sees my changes but chooses to dwell on the bad parts of our M. So he keeps bringing those up whenever there is R talk. So I don't exactly relate to the MLC chapter in DR. I have, from Day 1, been unsure that my H is an MLCer.
My H doesn't appear to be in MLC, except he's depressed and says "he found himself". He says he can spend his money anyway and whenever he wants to. He used to complain that I controlled his spending (i.e. get upset at him for buying such and such) and keep track of his eating habits and exercising techniques and routine. He understands that I meant well but he says he was scared of me when I cracked down on him. I guess I was hard on him but I have changed and realize that he needs his freedom. So this is also something he brings up.
BTW, R talk is very infrequent. Just had a long one last week, 13 months after the 1st. The 1st was 9 months post-S. There was a mini one in December. I didn't initiate the R talks, not pre-meditated anyway. They started as a result of something said or expressed. I follow his lead. -PH
