I have been reading DR all day. I have figured a few things out. My behaving like an emotional wreck when I see him has just made things worse. That can't be attractive to him. I have got to stop that, and I will. I also realized something else. There are some good signs in our sitch. He hasn't filed yet, and he has agreed to wait on that. He also always chooses the words "right now" when he talks about what he is thinking with us. That is a small indication that he isn't sure what he really wants. I am going to take that as a positive. Lastly, whenever he calls to talk to the kids, he ALWAYS asks me how I am doing. I have said "NOT good" in a pretty pathetic way every time before. The last few times we spoke he didn't even ask. I realize now that was my fault. He doesn't want to know that he is hurting me. I have got to get it together for myself.
Thanks for all the advice. I am going to start DBing like crazy now. I just went out and did some yard work. I don't know that he will notice, but it is something I have NEVER done willingly. There are some plants that have been sitting for a while that needed to be planted. I am taking care of that today. Baby steps...even if he doesn't notice, it makes me feel like I am doing something.
The movie was great! It felt good to step out of my box and do something different. In our family I am the disciplinarian and H is the fun dad. It felt awesome to just relax and have fun with the kids on my own. They seemed to enjoy it too. I usually tend to be a bit of a control freak, but I am learning to let that go. The kids are playing with play-do in the kitchen right now. This is a formerly forbidden activity because I have always thought it was too messy. I am letting loose and enjoying playing with my kids. That feels awesome.
Way to go! I feel that after reading your posts that I reading about myself! I'm a control freak too and never relax and let loose. H is more fun than me.
Thanks for posting about DR too believe it or not you've opened MY eyes.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Way to go! I feel that after reading your posts that I reading about myself! I'm a control freak too and never relax and let loose. H is more fun than me.
Thanks for posting about DR too believe it or not you've opened MY eyes.
Jen
Do you have a thread? I'd love to read it. You seem to be in a similar sitch as me.
I just found your thread. It is SO similar to my sitch. I can see myself in you, especially the difficulties in going dark. That is so hard for me too. I am getting a practice run on that right now, since H is at our lake house. There is no phone and no cell reception, so I have no choice but to go dark. Maybe by Sunday, when he returns, I'll be used to it. At least that is what I am hoping. I know he needs time to miss me, much like your H. I just have the hardest time with that. I'll be praying for you and your H.
Thanks for checking my sitch out. It's funny how many of us find ourselves here thinking we are the only ones with these problems and then over time we realize we're not alone in this after all.
It's so hard to go dark because after spending so much time with another person it seems so natural just to pick up the phone and call them.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I know exactly what you mean. H has been my best friend for so long! When something happens I instinctively want to call him. The problem is that right now what is happening is that I can't call him. When I have tried talking to him about R (before finding this site) he is VERY resistant to anything I say. He is the type of person that once his mind is made up nothing can be said to change it. He has to change it on his own. I know that now, and I think I am really going to go dark. I listed my goals today (after reading most of DR). They are as follows....
1. Want H to ask how I am doing again. He hasn't since I have responded badly to that. 2. I want him to call me on his own, not because I have forced myself on him. 3. Plan S4's birthday together and try to work together well to do it.
These are short term goals, and I think for the first 2 going dark is the best plan for me.
Congratulations on going to the movies.. What did you guys go and see? I too am the stict and regimented Mom while H was the fun and playful dad. I'm trying to loosen up but it's not easy!
I'm glad you're reading DR. It really does make a difference if you're upbeat when speaking to your H. I know it isn't easy but it does get easier. I find it confusing that we need to act all happy because you would think that our H would say "hey she's doing alright, she's better than when we were together so I made the right decision" but supposedly it's the opposite.. because we are acting happy and they are not feeling happy.. they want to be around us because our happiness is infectious. So confusing!
It sounds like you are getting stronger all the time. You're doing great!
We saw "Horton Hears a Who". It was D2's very first movie in the theater. She loved it!! I was a little sad that H had to miss that, but he is going to have to realize he will be missing a lot of things now.
I too have been confused about the "acting happy" thing. I like your explanation about me acting happy and him wanting to be around that. That makes more sense. It definitely is counterintuitive though.
