Hi! Thanks for stopping by... we have done all the never-ending filings for all the various aid forms for all the different schools (FAFSA, CSS/Profile, IDOC, etc., etc.!) Our state schools are not a very good choice for my son; the best college is actually the one (private) where both h and I work. He (and we) want him to get away... He is also a very bright, motivated student, and we had always planned to figure out a way to send him to the best school for him (which just so happen to be a number of smallish, great liberal arts colleges...).
I may be reading too much into a few of H's recent statements, i hope so. H is very devoted to both our boys; i know it's the driving reason that he's still living at home right now. It's just the thought that this may all come crumbling apart now that really s*cks...
Actually, I really don't want to have a R convo with H right now...
However, 24 hours ago, i was in the process of getting myself worked up to the point of pushing for that very convo due to a temporary downward spiral of panic and fear, based on:
- H strongly encouraging that S18 and I visit an additional college during a visit to a top choice in April, because "it's not clear we can afford top choices" (which is true, but not something he'd broached before) - H seeming less enthusiastic about a family trip to Europe beginning of summer, more concerned about cost - knowing that H is back to having quite a bit of positive contact with OW (my snooping his voicemail at work which confirmed that he had, indeed, run to Borders' on Sunday to get a book, and then zipped by her house for a quick visit), and related to that, H's desire to get a cellphone (yes, we really are the family Luddite!! I have an ancient one; H hasn't had one for about 4 years). We are getting a family plan, and one of the things i've realized is that now all I have to do is look at our bill to see if he's using that phone to contact her...yuck. - So starting to feel that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and have spinning in my head: "what if he decides to leave now, we won't be able to contribute anything to tuition, we'll have to tell S18 he can't go to any of the schools he's really interested in. With the new cellphone set up, will H realize now that I know a lot about his R with OW? How will that play out, etc.,etc.,etc....." Spin, spin, spin!!
I had a really lousy night of sleep again last night, but by this morning had gotten to the point of realizing that I was giving away all my power (don't i remember this being an important concept for Theoden?) by letting this get me spinning. So I have been able to pull myself back together again today, after doing some serious yelling at H (in absentia) on my morning drive to work!
I think what I probably will do this weekend is just have the figures pulled together that give us a general idea of our financial situation re: college, under the assumption (since there is nothing indicated to me otherwise at this point) that we are continuing as we are now...
Wow! this ran way long... hope you hung in there!!
L2
P.S. Oh, and by the way root, indirectly fishing certainly used to be my main method of non-discussion/non-confrontation about things in general! I'm getting much better at just letting things be now, and if necessary, try hard to be more direct in my interactions!
You cannot control what H will do. He may leave. That's just the reality for any of us. You have to realize even if he does, YOU will be okay. If your son wants to go to college nothing is going to stop him. Stop worrying and enjoy this moment. If H goes out to Barnes & Noble (and even if he's visiting the disgusto OW), you do something for yourself....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well, there really isn't any party, but it is my birthday, and it is St. Patty's Day...and I just want to hit my H over the head with a shillelagh!! Or maybe one of our hurleys...
Just feeling very frustrated with my sitch today. Looking at my last year beginning with a '4'; that while H, with the boys, is going through the motions of putting together a pleasant day for me (had cards this a.m. and my favorite dinner and some gifts tonight), is getting messages from OW about how much she missed him this weekend, replete with "ILY", etc, and that he's been calling her over the w'end as well.
I know that i have to turn away from knowing about their sitch... my choice to act 'as if' is my choice, I am no victim. This is still up to me...and right now, I still don't want to be the one to expose their A, and possibly bring about an outcome that i'm not ready to embrace.
I will have some help in this starting tomorrow...picking up new cell phones for our 'family plan' (how ironic...) so that H will be able to conduct convos with OW more directly (up till now, ow has called h's work phone to leave messages for him...) and I will not be tempted/able to know how to access them.
But man, it s*cks...and I don't really like my party right now.
Sorry you're feeling down, but we all have those days. My advice is to direct your attention away from your H and towards more productive avenues. Really, the less you think about him, the more time you have to focus on the things that can make you happy.
Have you recently set or re-set your goals? Birthdays are really good times to do this. Maybe even make a list of things to accomplish before you hit 50?
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thanks...both for the well wishes, and the gentle 2x4. I've been needing it.
I have really let myself get way too immersed in snooping into H's A over the past couple of months. I get it...they had a significant falling out for a few weeks, but it didn't last, and they are still very much involved, and I have to turn away from it now. Not next week, or tomorrow, or after i check H's voicemail just one more time to see if OW has called him today or not...NOW!!
For while in some small way it served a purpose for a brief window of time, it's not doing me any good now. In fact, now it's hurting me more every day...pulling me down with unrealized hopes and fears of what the next week, next month or next year may bring.
I've worked so hard over the last year to banish the worries and fear from my life; to not let those things control and define me. I will not give back all that power now.
And the beginning of a new year is a great time to recalibrate my personal compass, and my own goals. i love the idea of a "by the time I'm 50!" list. That's going to be my very first goal...to commit those goals to paper.
Oh man, I remember coming home and going through my routine, checking H's closet (he was slowly taking things to his dad's), checking caller ID, checking where his cell phone was....etc. Slowly I stopped, not because I forced myself to stop, but because time taught me something that it will teach you...snooping does nothing but hurt us. I just assumed H and OW were happy and together and went about my merry way. Ok, not merry, lol, but decided to just assume they were talking/seeing each other, so why bother looking...
Happy belated birthday.
We are all in such hard places, but hey, we *know* it won't kill us, so instead of letting it consume our days, try to push it away and say "His mess...." and then find one thing to enjoy.
Ah yes...'the routine'. It has been far too easy at times during all this, for my very similar kind of 'routine' to verge on an obsession...largely, i think, because of my fear of feeling like a fool or a dupe. Dumb, huh...
I am doing better these last couple of days...of course, H is leaving his new shiny toy (the cell) out in his way cool home office (our garage efficiency), so it's easy to avoid that.
I think one of the things that periodically trips me up is that since H has until now worked very hard to keep all this a secret from me, we have quite a bit of good, happy family time together. We're off to a fight this evening...maybe a hockey game will actually break out while we're there
My own plan for the weekend is to commit to paper a list of goals for the upcoming year... and to try not to eat too much chocolate at a fun neighborhood party on Sunday!
