What will you do if you don't act "as if"? Confront H? Act angry and give H a hard time in some way? Play the victim and have H's time with you something he dreads and avoids? Been there, done that. Even bought the t-shirt. These are natural reactions but if you still feel that you want to repair your R/M, and it sound like you do, these will do nothing to get you to that goal. They will push him away from you and towards OW.
While I blame my W's lack of commitment to her attempt at reconciliation as the primary reason for its failure, I also accept the fact that my shortcomings in acting "as if" during that time didn't help us either during that time. It is very hard. Most of the time you won't feel "as if." You will feel like a doormat. You will feel like it isn't fair and you are doing all the work. But it is the best path to take if H is ever going to realize what he gave up for the OW fantasy-R.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
While I blame my W's lack of commitment to her attempt at reconciliation as the primary reason for its failure, I also accept the fact that my shortcomings in acting "as if" during that time didn't help us either during that time. It is very hard. Most of the time you won't feel "as if." You will feel like a doormat. You will feel like it isn't fair and you are doing all the work. But it is the best path to take if H is ever going to realize what he gave up for the OW fantasy-R.
Wow, gForce. You pegged my entire summer/fall in one paragraph!!! I 'as if'ed' WAY too much.
There really is no "as if" when you are so devastated and hurt. But L, you can just take care of yourself, distance yourself from your H at this point. Not in a hostile way, but just in a way that YOU have more peace. Don't be hateful, but don't offer the support/love you always have, because he isn't in a spot to receive it. gForce is right, being angry/playing the victim will just 'justify' to your H that he is doing the right thing (by leaving you).
I have done the snooping thing, finding something that hurts so much, but I can't look away from it. Its awful. I remember the shaking, the exhaustion, not being able to focus on anything. Being around H would hurt me so much, but being away from him hurt as well. I am so sorry for your pain.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Thanks so much to all of you for your kind support...
I wound up hardly sleeping at all Saturday night..just a bit of fitful dozing. So, of course, i felt like cr*p all day yesterday, but tried to make the best of it. But not very productive day...big surprise! I took some antihistamine last night, both to help sleep and to combat some serious sneezy, allergy-type feelings. It did work better, and I was only awake for about an hour around 2am.
I also made a conscious effort to stop torturing myself by poring over their emails...but it was really hard to look at H yesterday and for the first time be truly aware of the depth and long-term nature of his feelings for OW, and how very empty I felt about it.
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Being around H would hurt me so much, but being away from him hurt as well.
LBW, that's so true...i'm guessing that's especially so while H is still living here, and we put on the act of being an intact family...
This is where i need some help/advice:
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But L, you can just take care of yourself, distance yourself from your H at this point. Not in a hostile way, but just in a way that YOU have more peace.
How do i do this in a way that does not trigger a reaction both from H and especially from my boys? It's going to be a real tightrope trick, i fear...
How do i do this in a way that does not trigger a reaction both from H and especially from my boys? It's going to be a real tightrope trick, i fear...
I can only tell you how I did this...gradually!
I started doing more and more things with just the kids or with friends and not inviting W. My boys rarely ask me about this. This is a huge difference between boys and girls (at least on average). Boys tend not to be so relationship focused, so as long as you are GALing and have a PMA, they probably won't get as concerned as you think.
I do think that you need to get more clarity with your H. Remember, 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear. There is a good chance that he is completely uncertain of what he really wants. Most MLCers want the A to remain a fantasy. This of course can't go on forever, so they start making promises to the OP to keep them on the hook and still looking forward to the day when they are permanently together. 95% of the time, this never happens. DON'T ASSUME! This is your worst enemy. Even worse than snooping.
Best wishes, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Although I was respectful of H's schedule (wouldn't sweep the kids away if he wanted to visit him), I would just start doing things on my own, my way, no concerns for H. Think of fun things your kids would love to do and do them. Then, get a sitter and do something for yourself. It takes time to get there. I think SuperDad is also right, your boys won't question much as long as fun is involved.
About the A. After I found out about it, I swear I couldn't look H in the eye for weeks, couldn't be around him at all. Then as the shock wore off, I wanted to be around him more, and that backfired. We both felt claustrophobic, so he started pulling away. That's when I let go a bit and started doing things on my own. H felt 'freed' as did I.
Assuming and snooping. Both hard habits to give up.
Thanks so much for your support...it's such a help to have advice and comfort from others who can well relate to what's going on.
I'm having lunch with a good friend today who's aware of the current sitch, but until H actually moves out, it really isn't something that i've shared with much of anyone IRL...except my IC, which I'm resuming next week after a break of about 6 months. It's time to get some more help...
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There is a good chance that he is completely uncertain of what he really wants.
SD, I wish I thought that were the case...i really think H knows all too well what he wants, to be with OW and divorced from me (he has at least told me the part about me a number of times over the last 6 years...) It's the part about being a part-time parent that has stopped him... It's rather telling that he frames it that way...in terms of him, rather than from the loss the boys will experience....
I noticed that H had printed off current info from an condo/apartment building he had looked at last year when he talked about moving out...they are furnished places, either studios or 1 BR. Still $750/mo... yuck...
I've spent some time today working on Fin Aid with one of the colleges S18 really wants to go to... this is a major "as if"...it's what I would be doing if i had no clue about H's latest...so H will have to be the one to say "no" about these better, more costly schools...
...back from lunch with my friend...a good time...she even got me to laugh while imitating how H would (or would not) be able to deal with OW's good bit younger boys!!
I noticed that H had printed off current info from an condo/apartment building he had looked at last year when he talked about moving out...they are furnished places, either studios or 1 BR. Still $750/mo... yuck...
...back from lunch with my friend...a good time...she even got me to laugh while imitating how H would (or would not) be able to deal with OW's good bit younger boys!!
L2
That had to be upsetting to find out about the apartment info, but I have to say since my H moved out I am living in so much more peace & serenity than before. H was obsessed with the OW and it was really torture to live that way every day & not good for the kids I don't think either. Of course, your H may not move out anyway.
I do this too, find humor in the fact that H will have to deal with the OW's kids who friends (that know them) tell me are dysfunctional (one child is anorexoric, the OW allows her D13 to drink and go out, etc. and her D13 is supposedly very hard to get along with). I think a lot of the MLC stuff the H's are going through is really fantasy thinking: my H has told me everything will be perfect for he, the kids, and I after divorce!!! I think stuff like that is probably a good reality check for them!!! Karen
but I have to say since my H moved out I am living in so much more peace & serenity than before.
I will admit to you that I have, just since these last revelations over the weekend, started feeling that way as well. I'm so weary of the waiting and wondering when the 'move-out' shoe will drop... H may even be there (with or without OW) right now checking it out.
It's still the whole idea about the timing of all this as it relates to my S18 college plans that hurts so much...this was very much a long term plan and dream for H and me, and I'm grieving this.
It's almost quittin' time...and time to shift back into 'as if' gear.
H and I went to meet S12 at lunchtime at an event at his school today... an 'intercultural interlude' ... kids dressed in clothing from other countries/cultures. S12 was Scottish...had a kilt and a ponyhide pouch....and looked so adorable!
I was glad to be there for S12. Actually, kind of a funny aside about this. I had known for a while about this event and knew that S12 wanted me to be there; it occurred to me last evening that H didn't know about it, so I suggested it to S12 that he mention it to H...S12 was ambivalent about it (think he thought 2 parents coming was overkill), and i just told him I didn't want H to feel left out (I was actually pretty sure H had plans with OW today at lunch, and so wondered what his response would be) When S12 mentioned it, H was unsure about how much 'work' grading essays he had, so was noncommittal about it. S12 let him know it was okay (I really think he would have preferred just 1 parent going).
Well when H came back in to the house from his fabulously kitted- out office (at one point our garage efficiency)he had decided he should attend...i said I'm sure S12 would be fine if he couldn't, but H said how he felt guilty about not going because S12 was so nice about it (guilt much? ?) and, okay, so i snooped this am and read his email to OW about how S12 had asked him to come and really wanted his Dad to be there, and so H would have to cancel on lunch today...gag me...
Gosh, the day is gone...more to post later with some questions... but for now friends...
It's the part about being a part-time parent that has stopped him... It's rather telling that he frames it that way...in terms of him, rather than from the loss the boys will experience.... 
Karen