Thanks Dazed and Tennessee for stopping by my thread and posting. Yeah I have never been one to have patience. I am going to really try to lower my expectations and stop talking about our R as I do know that is the right thing to do. Again, I will have to continue to work on my patience because I know that I will be tempted to talk about it again if I feel there is a connection being made.
Rollercoaster ride is tough day in and day out. My W has given me so many mixed signals over these 4 months that I can't even concentrate on what is going on. She has yet to file, I started the filing process last week but put a hold on it just yesterday as something didn't feel right. The thing is that in NC you don't have to file, as long as your apart 1 year and 1 day then you can become D without ever filing seperation papers.
I'm not sure where we are going to go from here. I am going to keep trying to stay low and get things off my mind. Yes, I will start back playing golf, a tough part for me is our house is on a golf course and that is one of my true passions, now I don't live there of course but I'm only 3 miles away.
Do you ever feel like part of your wife wants you to lay low and leave her alone and other parts of her want you fighting for her. This is all confusing. My W thought once we S that I would be in another R in no time, she thought I didn't care for her and she was just convenience. She thought many things that she is finding not to be true.
Again, thanks for posting and I wish the best of luck to you.
Good to hear you're going to pick up golf again. I've been doing a lot more of that myself lately. I've found that this separation has been a great opportunity to get back to doing the things I enjoyed. Don't get me wrong, it's a crappy situation but believe it or not there are some positives that go along with it. Try to focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
About W wanting space and also wanting you to fight, I think both are true in my situation. W likes it when we have our date nights but doesn't want me to know every detail of her life anymore. I really don't care to know either. My rule of thumb is to not bring up any touchy subject when we hang out. I don't ask to see her everyday, but we manage to see eachother most days. Before I set boundaries about not wanting to see her when she's seeing OM she was the one initiating most of the contact.
Your W is in a fragile place right now. She'll look for any excuse to see you in a negative light. The solution is to not give her any excuses. Try to be pleasant with her no matter what. Don't get angry. If a disagreement comes up that must be addressed be rational and try to understand where she's coming from. Work with her needs to try to get what you want.
Those are the things that seem to get results for me.
I read through your thread. You have gotten some excellent advice. I will reiterate some of the advice others have given you. First of all, you need to GAL. You've been working out at the gym - that's great. You mentioned golf and mountain biking. Do both of them. It really helps with the PMA. You need to take your focus off W and focus on yourself and your kids right now. GAL will make you feel a lot better about yourself and soon enough this will show through to W. But don't do it simply for this reason, do it for yourself. Secondly, do not pursue W and do not talk about R. You have been S for 4 months and what you were doing has not worked. You need to stop pleading with her to reconsider or you will keep pushing her further away. Try it for a period of time and see what happens. Be pleasant around W when you see/speak to her even if you have to prepare yourself mentally ahead of time. Once you start to see some babysteps, it becomes easier to do.
Give some of these things a try and see what happens. But remember to be patient. It may take time for your W to notice the changes in you.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Thanks D&C and Addie for stopping by and giving me your input, I really appreciate it and I am determined that I will stop pursuing her.
Just left her "our" house as I had to drop S10 off from the weekend, we had some good conversations and I did notice that we had a lot of eye contact. Now I really don't know if we have been having eye contact or not as I have not paid any attention to it but since being on these boards for the last week I am trying to see these types of things. We did not talk anything about our relationship at all, we just really talked about other things and all went well. I had to drop my laundry off there earlier today as I don't have a washer/dryer yet and she has been doing my clothes for the past 3 weeks since I finally left my parents house and got my own place.
I would like to add that I told her one day this week that I have dropped my going forward with the lawyers. She is the one that wants this and I don't, something told me it was not the right thing to do. Anyway, on Friday night when I picked the kids up she was acting ill, she told me she received the letter from my lawyer the day before about my intentions of going forward with our process. I told her she could tear that up as I have put a hold on that. She asked what changed my mind, I just told her that I didn't think it was the right thing to do. She stated did you not like them or something? I said no, it had nothing to do with that, in fact I did like them. I ended up asking her for my wedding ring back that I gave back to her about 2 weeks ago when I saw no signs going my way and thought the Divorce was the right thing to do. Her statement to that was "why do you want it back, you were so easy to give it up." Now I don't try to read alot into this as I am trying my best to get all of this off my mind and have a peaceful life without all of the drama. What I did read into it though is she thought I was giving up too easily but who really knows what she meant by it.
I also went on and told her that I was not going to keep hurting like I have been over the last 4 months, it was not healthy and that I have to let her go. W didn't have anything to say to this.
I also told her I would not be fighting her for anything in the D, she could have whats in the house, all that I ask is that she makes her mind up by May if she plans on keeping the house or selling it. I know my rights on all of this, NC is a 50/50 ED state so I know what she is entitled to and will not try to do her wrong as I don't think she would do that either.
Neither of us are seeing OP, I told her that I know our feelings will change when that happens, of course she told me that I would be the one that did that first as she has no plans on doing so. I can tell you that I read a lot of the threads on here and keep seeing where the LBS keeps finding out about someone else after they have seperated, yes it makes me wonder but my heart tells me this is not the case.
So to make a long story short, I am seperating myself from the rollercoaster. I know it will not be easy but I do have fight in me which has kept me hear for the last 4 months dealing with this. I wish I would have listened to my counselor and what another divorce book told me to do but instead I listened to a close friend who went through a divorce and took his advice on what I should be doing which turned out to be the wrong thing. EX. texting, emailing, calling, begging, saying ILY and all of the others that so many have done. He had good intentions but it just wasn't the right things to save my M.
I will stay low key, be a little mysterious and GAL. I should have done this a long time ago but it is starting and I am feeling better about it. I did get a phone call while I was there this morning dropping clothes off and she did ask "who was that?" I will keep up on these boards and keep my spirit up. It is what it is, I can't control what she does or doesn't do, whatever happens, happens, I will have to live with it but I will continue to keep busting my tail to be better and hopefully she will see it and will want to give our M another try.
Ping, I am praying for you brother. Play golf..76 for me on Sunday. best round I've had in a while. I was finally able to disconnect myself from my sitch for a few hours on the course. First time I have been able to do that since December. Keep up the good fight and maybe things will turn for you and your W. Stay positive.
good post Ping and your last paragraph is the way forward IMO. It's a well put paragraph of what seems to be the general opinion of what to do in this situation though I've yet to get DR or DB books (ordering tonight).
GL. Hope I can get swinging the clubs again when weather gets nicer. Haven't played in 2 summers !!!
Sounds like you're getting strong buddy!! Good for you. With time for some reason it truly does get easier. With time I have become so much more independent.. and being less needy has really helped my PMA.. kind of gave me my self respect back!!
Thanks for replying M, Arthur and W2G, I am going to try this out for 2 weeks and see if anything changes, I am surely hoping I will see some positives but you never know.
M, great round of golf Sunday, 76 way to go. I use to be a scratch player and had ambitions of trying to go pro. My kids came along and I put all of my effort into there success. My 10 year old son can shoot in the 70's from the senior tees and my 6 year old can shoot in the 70's from junior tees. The sad part is since the S, none of us have played, we have a house on the golf course and the driving range is only about 500 yards away and we get free balls at the range, we use to hit the range almost every day after school/work. Of course alot of this is where I didn't invest in my M and therefore I am where I'm at. I sure miss those days.
Hi Ping...just catching up with you! Glad to see you are attempting to detatch and GAL!! Awesome my friend!! Have you set any goals for yourself? One of my very first goals was to be back home with my H by Jan 2008.....that's one to laugh at....a) it didn't happen b) it didn't happen because it was WAY to big of a goal!! So now my goals are a little simpler!! I think you get the picture!!!
As hard as it is for all of us, patience, GAL, and not talking to our S about the very thing that is driving us all to these boards, we do it...and now you are too! It's a crazy roller coaster ride, and we're all ready to get off of it and stay off!!! Keep doing what you're doing. Stay focused and motivated! The more you push, she will push back. My DB coach told me to put down the rope, like in tug of war, when our S, has no one to tug with or at, things will start to change. It takes time and patience. You can do this, and you are!
take care my friend Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
I am going to try this out for 2 weeks and see if anything changes, I am surely hoping I will see some positives but you never know.
What exactly are you referring to that you are going to try out? If it is DBing tactics and strategies, 2 weeks is a mere grain of sand on the beach. Rarely will 2 weeks of change do anything to sway a spouse when so much damage has been done in a M over so much time. It's sad, but that's the reality. I think I read somewhere in DR that it usually takes about 10 weeks before a WAS will even begin to entertain the idea that their LBS'S changes are for real. Don't expect to change her mind in 2 weeks. Plus, even if you did, you can't just quit then and think everthing will be okay. DBing is a lifestyle, and the changes you make in you must be for the long haul, and you should always be striving to adapt them as needed to continue helping your M to grow and remain healthy and strong.
Have you set any goals for yourself? One of my very first goals was to be back home with my H by Jan 2008.....that's one to laugh at....a) it didn't happen b) it didn't happen because it was WAY to big of a goal!! So now my goals are a little simpler!! I think you get the picture!!!