I found this site after my husband of 25 years blurted (at the end of January) out how miserable he was in our marriage and how he wanted to live his own life. We have three children S22, S17, D13. One is in college, the second will be in college next year and the third will be entering high school in the fall.
When our first was a year and a half old, we agreed that I would stay home for a few months so to give our son time to recover from health issues. He blossomed with me home. Because of that and some additional health issues with my H, we decided I would leave my career, focus on our son (and subsequent children) while H supported the family.
Fast forward 20 years. H is a highly successful business executive whose career is his mistress. I'm a great mom who's been very involved with our kids and their activities. Because of the unwitting split in our lives we drifted apart. H withdraws emotionally, I get depressed. With the bomb I discover his withdrawal was intentional, where he created a 'buddy' marriage, a co-existence for the children. I grew increasingly depressed over the years. I always maintained my focus on the kids, but everything else slid.
I think I unintentionally used passive aggressive behavior to provoke a response from H. Bad attention was better than no attention. I felt like I never measured up to his standards, was always lacking and felt completely overwhelmed by what was expected of me. Although I felt like H and I were a team, I felt very alone in our marriage. I broke his heart at one point many years ago but he never wanted to talk about it.
H worked long hours, at times traveled extensively and golfed whenever he could. I now believe it was his way of coping with is his dissatifaction with our R.
Though I would ask about how we were doing, and occasionally bring up the idea of marriage counseling, H would say it was okay to the first, or have a caveat, and flatly refuse on the second. He has no use for traditional counseling or the thought of counseling. I would see a counselor for myself and occasionally H would come in. Each time he'd talk about deep hurts he was carrying, often telling the same episodes each time.
I was also extremely defensive to his suggestions. In the end though we cared for each other, we couldn't get past our own inner selves. I also realize we both are 50% responsible for where we are today. The fact that he gave me no say in the decisions he was making, or the ultimate choice to leave the marriage, the home, the children is devastating.
Using the DR techniques has been very helpful and positive. Since his moving out one month ago and his minimal involvement with the children (1 hour for dinner once a week) is creating a house full of pain while I struggle to hold what is left of our family together.
My H is a workaholic too. Like your my H started adding work things to his agenda to avoid coming home to me. Some of the things were legit but there were definitely some that were not (he didn't need to be there but preferred being at these "events" to spending time with D2 and I!).
I don't know nuttin' 'bout posting threads. Figured folks knew me by the original topic line so went back to that!
Easter initially was pretty neat. We had an egg hunt where the boys hid each other's eggs, one egg per room, four rooms in total, and then the two of them hid D13's. They were evil and dastardly in their egg placements, but it was a fun time. We went off to brunch at the club which was a bit subdued.
After a quiet afternoon, S17 told me he didn't want to go to our friend's house. My goal was that we'd have time with the 3 of us (oldest had gone back to college) in a home of good friends. Years ago the kids had played/hung out together, but had drifted apart.
Let's just say, S17 and I had a mutual meltdown that in the end was caused by the strain and pain of the separation and upcoming divorce. Luckily my brother was over who helped my son and me. Just by listening to me, I realized I was reacting not to S17's words, but to a sense of rejection from him which heightened the rejection I feel in H's actions.
A very good conversation came out of it all. It's amazing how you can apply DR techniques to any and all relationships... validate, listen, and realize when something isn't working try another approach.
S17 kept saying that it all seemed so forced, that their time with their father helped them stay connected to what he was doing. His perceptions were mature, he's struggling.
As my brother said, there's a lot of pain in our house now. I'm just trying to create a more open environment, acknowledging the elephant in the living room by saying the D word, talking about adjustments. I try to keep the focus on the family, on them.. and keep then separate from the machinations of D, which is H's and my business.
My brother told S17 that I'd lost the most important person in my life and that I was trying to keep the family (me and the kids)together. I didn't realize how much I was working on that.. With kids that are older, it's so easy for the oldest just to drift away, S17 is going away next fall. I hope that college won't be a total escape from the emotional chaos for the boys. It's a balance between giving them space, providing support, and creating/embracing our new family dynamic.. so we have togetherness.
Mid March to mid April have been/will be difficult with H's and my two birthday's 2 days apart, the day we met happening the day after H'd b'day, and our anniversary (April 10th which would have been our 25th.) Toss in Easter, D13's Confirmation and me not going to FL for our traditional April vacation and ya get lots of emotional turbulence. I discovered with the birthdays and the day we met that the emotional core reacted to the loss of the day, even though I seemed to have amnesia for those dates. Hopefully being aware of the pitfalls well help in walking this path.
I'm glad you had a positive Easter.. and although things got tense with S17 it was a good thing to get the feelings out there. Most men have much difficulty discussing their feelings and hurts.. so your young man (S17) likely wasn't really addressing these for himself. Thankfully your brother was there to help the 2 of you in your communication.. and hopefully this will allow you and your S to grow closer.
And as for your comment about DBing techniques. I agree that I am more aware in all interactions now that I've discovered these techniques.!
Hey Gypsy! I don't know how you manage to write so many thoughtful and thought provoking posts! You are one amazing woman and I hope your H realizes that before it is too late.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Mid March to mid April have been/will be difficult with H's and my two birthday's 2 days apart, the day we met happening the day after H'd b'day, and our anniversary (April 10th which would have been our 25th.)
Just another odd little coinky between us. H's birthday and mine are exactly three weeks apart. We celebrated his three weeks ago, so that would make today....
Yep, my DB coach and I decided that my 180 would be to pamper myself on my BD since H didn't seem to have much investment in it. (Last night when he telephoned on his way home he made a lame joke about bringing home dinner so we wouldn't have to celebrate my BD today.)That's when I told him that I would be taking myself out for a little pampering.
Well, here I am at an Inn about 1 1/2 hours away from our home. I've been trying (with various amounts of success) to not remember the 28 other birthdays of mine we had celebrated together. I left a note for him to the effect that I wasn't sure what I would do on this "most excellent adventure" today. I had an entire universe of possibilities, but to keep all avenues open I would leave the dog at the kennel. (Oops, I paid with a joint credit card so now he can determine where I am staying.) Oh well, I wonder what I should do if he tries to telephone. I wonder if I should stay another night.
P.S. I don't know how you feel about astrology, however, there was a British astrologer mentioned on one of these threads that I have found. He seems to be not only accurate but has had a soothing and calming influence on me. I have listened to his predictions a few times and have found it interesting how I can see my interpretations changing.
For example, he said at one point, "so much of your heart is being caught up in someone else's heart, that even if it means that this person is so important to me, even if it means cutting off this set of options for myself in order to maintain this situation then that's what I will do"
Also:
"nothing - no matter how far it is drawn in a certain direction already has to continue going that way. Sometimes destiny can be challenged, fate can be changed and we can turn around processes which appear to be irrevocable. So, if you are looking at anything in your life that you feel you would like to alter this is the time when if you make the resolution with enough heart felt enthusiasm and energy it can see you through to success even if you've tried and failed before, have faith "
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Excellent job on your birthday. I don't remember what the kids and I did for mine. Seems I have fuzz on the brain a lot now.
That reminds me.. we as a family having been going to FL for a week on the beach for the past 12 years. This year we agreed that H is taking the kids so that means I have to figure out what to do for that week. Any suggestions? I thought of going to a spa.. I think I was a cat in a former life. Someone suggested a cruise.. but the last one I was one, the ship was swept up in a hurricane, which while a great story (Where were you at the height of the storm? On the dance floor.. but it was more like a climbing incline) jaded my opinion of cruises.
I had the same thoughts of loss, more when Valentine's Day hit.. that he'd been my sweetheart for 25 years. I'm still in shock.
I was doing the mundane.. bills, making appointments for things I've avoided, eating crap.. peeking on this site.. then bills, catching up on things.. peeking.
The DB posts where I know folks get lots of support, I skip and look for newcomers. Most of the time I get more out of what other people share than what I give. Folks here are very good at reminding me (inadvertently) how to keep a positive attitude.
Was it Brandon who wrote the post about how this site is all about people failing? I figure, whether that's the statistic or not, it's better to be here than in an angry stew all the time.
I just have to get used to the idea that H no longer has my best interests at heart.. that he's moved onto something else, living his own (secret) life. In a way it almost could be seen as liberating when I'm not in a state of bewilderment.
What happened to happily ever after with a nice but predictable life with a few bumps in it?
As they say in the Department of Motor Vehicles: NEXT!
Someone else on here said someone should open a "Left Behind Spouse Spa". It would be manditory that you have been betrayed. Then you enter for a weekend of pampering, venting, drinking, shouting, what have you. There would be therapists wandering around as well. Sound good??? Of course DB'ers would get a major discount.
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I just have to get used to the idea that H no longer has my best interests at heart.. that he's moved onto something else, living his own (secret) life. In a way it almost could be seen as liberating when I'm not in a state of bewilderment.
My friend, once again, I think you live in my head. My H is so dark, I need a lantern to see him when he is right in front of me. He is respectful and polite, as he would be to a stranger he is helping across the street. Other than that, he is empty and gone, even when he is at the house. The space from his craziness, moodiness, and general walkawayspousyness...is very liberating though. Space is positive and negative in that aspect. HUGS!
