Thank you for stopping by my thread. And in answer to your question yes, you will get much farther in your DBing efforts once you stop having R talks with your W. In my sitch the conversations we've had as of late regarding are R have been initiated by him. My goal during these conversations is to avoid crying at ALL COSTS (I'm a super sensitive female unfortunately) and to affirm what he tells me.. In my sitch he has been trying so I make a point of thanking him when he states that he's trying.
I've briefly skimmed over your thread and think it's great that you are in counseling and realize that you had been negative in your dealings with your wife.. so trying to be upbeat, friendly, complimentary (although not overboard) are good 180's for you. Also, I totally see why you are working on the separation agreement. I would do the same if my H was trying to limit my time with my child as much as your W seems to be doing to you... problem is, for some reason when the lawyers get involved fear and paranoia get mixed in there and you are really going to have to work your butt of with DBing.
Speaking of DBing.. so pleased that you got the book. I don't know about you but finding this website and getting that book truly was a life saver for me.
So, as I mentioned I just skimmed over your thread.. I didn't catch what you are doing to get a life. It seems you have a lot more time on your hands since your wife is limiting the time you get with your kids... it would seem you are in regular contact due to parenting.. are there any subtle changes you can make in your appearance.. I read that you'd lost 20 pounds (and gained a bit back) that's a start.. are you doing something that you've always wanted to do but never had the time.. if not, is there something that you might be interested in taking up hobby/activity wise? And is there some way you can create a bit of mystery?
I've often thought it would be so great if you could buy that "new romance glow" from a department store.. it would be so handy for us LBS.. we could have the glow of a new romance without actually having to have a real new relationship (since adding others to our problem filled marriages make things messy..) but we would be so happy and giddy and glowing that our WAS's would definitely notice!
Gosh, I feel like I'm just rambling now.. and likely sounding a bit goofy..
But thanks again for stopping by my thread.. I will continue to stop by yours!
Thanks W2G, I am going to try my best to stop having these R talks with W, I feel that I can do it but then sometimes when I get around her it becomes very difficult to hold back what I am feeling.
As far as what I am doing to GAL, I have started back working out at the gym. I plan to get back to the golf course and start playing again, I use to play a couple of times a week and now since the S I have played once in 4 months. I also plan to start riding my mountain bike again, it has been collecting dust for some time and I really enjoy getting out and riding. Time is on my hands right now so I should be able to make these things happen.
Thanks for checking out my sitch and any other feedback you can give me would be great.
03/24/08 11:45 PM -- is when I sent what I thought had been my best advice for you at this time. At 12:01 AM --you responded and you agreed completely and said that it even worked when you had dated your W. But, you had a very hard time believing her sitting down with you to watch Michelle's DVD was not a good idea....b/c you believed it would help so much.
The next morning at 8:15 Am -- I responded to that post about the DVD and tried to get you to see that purchasing tapes and books for her to read doesn't work, and I explained why. You respond to my post at 5:53 PM about the idea of you "going dark" on her. At 5:55 you go back to the DVD again. At 6:07 PM--I say I think it is not the right time to go dark and with the kids, etc. it would not work well and that you aren't ready emotionally to go dark and maybe when you are strong enough. At 7:02 PM (same day) you say this:
Quote:
So then what do I do, what I am doing right now is not helping.
This was less than 24 hours. Does this show what kind of state that you are in??? Sweetie, give it time! When a person emotionally detaches from their S (which you haven't yet) and applies the techniques that I gave you (which you haven't yet) that you even agreed had worked in the past.....you can't expect to see a complete change of heart in less than 24 hours!
I'm not picking on you, I'm just trying to get you to see how impatient you are--to the point of being frantic. You've got to calm down and be cool if you are to ever expect her to look your way again. You are wanting a magic pill to work over night and it is not going to happen. Nothing magic happens in these cases....only a lot of hard work for a long time. In fact, I recommend that you completely re-read the book again, b/c I think in your frame of mind, you have taken some things out of context or lost the idea along the way or something.....I'm not sure.
You are probably thinking that this is easy for me to say b/c I am not in your shoes. You are correct, I'm not.....but I was almost a WAW and I can tell you that she can see the fear in your eyes, hear it in your voice and see it in your actions....and it spells "weakness" to her. You want to be strong and cool and sexy. You are in panic palace! You have to take a step at a time....not jump straight to the last page of the book.
You agreed with what I told you, but you haven't even tried it out yet. And, I wasn't talking about one time! This has got to be repeated time after time after time....until it gets her attention. Plus we have tried to tell you to get a life. Have you? What are you doing that doesn't include the kids and is just for Ping? Your mind is on her 24/7.....which is normal, I can understand that, but you've got to fight the urges to do all the wrong things and listen to the people here on the board who have been through some of this stuff.
I knew a couple that he coached a little league team. The couple had two boys on the team. After she left him, she would show up at the games to watch the boys play. The H, however, couldn't even watch what was going on in the field b/c of watching her in the stands. Now, who do you think was winning that little game? She came out there all dolled up and acting like a social butterfly going from one person to the other while he was melting in his shoes out there for everyone to see. But, when he finally came to his senses and started acting like the man she fell in love with.....she couldn't get to him fast enough. However, it did not happen over night and that is what I'm trying to tell you here. Go back and read the posts.
Keep working and take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, thanks for replying. When I asked what do I do since what I am doing is not working meant if I don't go dark, what do I do because I have not gone dark yet. I felt I needed to go dark to change things up some, I have not been in that mind frame any until now.
My S10 had a ball game tonight, my W and FIL were already there in the bleachers when I got to the game. I spoke to the FIL and sat down a couple of seats in front of them. I made small talk with others around me, not to W. As the game went on, I left the bleachers and went and stood by the dugouts with a few other dads and spoke to them. With 1/2 inning left, I told my kids I had to leave and went and told FIL that I would see him later as I had somewhere to go. I didn't speak to wife and it wasn't that hard doing so.
To answer what I am doing for myself, I have started back working out again. I am going to a gym and doing some cardio and weight lifting. That's about it for right now, I plan on getting my bike from my W's house so I can begin to start riding again and will begin playing golf again in the near future.
I know things will not change over night. I have been at this for 4 months now. Some days are better than others. I am trying to convice myself that I am not going to keep hurting over my R. I know it will be hard but I have to make changes somehow to keep it off my mine 24/7. I feel like letting go, not sure if that's the right thing to do or not, although when I say that, I mean emotionally to help me deal with it better.
Sandi, give me some advice on this, should I let her know that I am not going to continue to chase her? Is this something that I should do? My W thinks this is all a game for me, I am a very competitve person and will do anything to win in whatever I do. She made this comment again to me over the weekend that all I am doing to help myself, "C" and trying to change are only to come back home and then once I won this battle things would go right back to where they were in a years time. I'm not sure how to show that this is not a game and not about winning as I have always been this way. Do I concede to her and let her know she wins, I'm done?
Sandi is right about you being impatient, but it is quite understandable because many of us who have been at this for a while were exactly where you are in the beginning.
Please go back and reread the suggestions I gave you, GAL, and reread DR (and take notes, highlight, annotate, etc). Consider it your M saving bible. And don't "try" not to have R talks. Just DON'T do it. Resolve not to do it, because it simply won't have the effect you are hoping for (and you should see this by now). It is our instinct to do it, but it will likely only prolong the S or cause her to dig her heels in more.
Regarding the DVD's -- I have no insight into them, but I think Sandi gave you some excellent advice on how to handle them if you've already bought them (or intend to). Are you able to do what she suggested? If not, I would probably bag it altogether UNLESS SHE BRINGS IT UP AGAIN. It is totally true that she will feel like the bad guy if you coax her or push her into watching them and all they do is tell her what she's doing is wrong. Really think about that possibility. She may become quite defensive, and it might push her away even further instead of bringing her to her senses. Also, your pushing her to watch them will be more of your controlling behavior -- remember to do the major 180s on behaviors that you know contributed to your W wanting out of this M.
I also recommend you buy The 5 Love Languages by Chapman and His Needs, Her Needs by Hartley. Both are excellent reads and provide great insight into making Rs work, as well as how your W may feel best loved by you.
Keep working hard and asking questions. Also, you may get more feedback and support by offering help and support on other DBers threads. Build some friendships on here -- they're of great value for you during this difficult time.
I am not sure how you can completely go dark with the connection with the kids being in the middle of you and the W. If I understand the meaning of going dark. It would be hard. However, you can use the LRT to let her know where you stand and that this is it and no more pressure, no more chasing, no more R talks, etc., and then detach from her in every way. If you really detach.....then you won't have to convince her that you are not playing a game.....then going dark (as much as possible) will be the natural end result. If you feel that you are ready to turn lose, it will be easier for you to detach, but I wonder if you aren't just feeling emotional fatigue and wanting a change so badly that you are trying to convince yourself you are ready to turn lose. I base that on what your posts have said and how you are on an emotional rollercoaster right now. I know it sounds as though you are being told the same thing over and over, but time and patient is really the key here. Go back and read what we have told you since you started this tread. Put it into action and keep at it. One ball game doing what you did is fine, but it will take a lot of ball games before she starts to get the message is real. But, I believe you can do it. You are trying to gain the tools and put them to use. That is a lot more that some people do and it says a lot about what kind of person you are. Keep on keeping on doing what we have suggested. Do go back and study your DB.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ping, I read your story. Your's sounds very similar to mine. My wife said some of the same things to me. She said she had lost herself, does not like what she has become. She told me she was done on Jan. 26, 08, then again on Feb.13, 08 and filed for divorce on Feb. 26, 08..She has filed the papers and they are at the courthouse but I have never picked them up. We are in MC now. We are still living in the same house but have been in separate rooms since December. I am on the same rollercoaster you are and patience is not one of my virtues. I really miss my wife. Today has been really sad day for me because I have let the memories flood back and it's hard to maintain my composure. It's hard for me to take my time and let my W have some space. I know she feels pressured. I just wanted to wish you good luck. I read your thread and it sounds like you are getting very good advice. I wish I had some to offer you but I am very new to this and am trying to learn as fast as I can. One thing I can offer is this, exercise if you're into it and play golf. I play at least once a week. I also thought I saw where you were in North Carolina?? If so, then I am your neighbor in Tennessee, 9 miles from your state line.
Just read your thread and think I can offer some advice. I've seen some positive results... my W hasn't come back or anything but at least we're on good terms now.
We separated and she moved out because she couldn't handle my constant pressure. I didn't go dark, but I did cut the communication down a lot and stopped initiating the R talk altogether. I lined up a few activities to keep me occupied during this time, I GAL you could say. Some of these were things I wouldn't normally do. For example, W loves to snowmobile but I never cared for it... sooo one of the things I did was go snowmobiling with some friends and I had a blast. Next time I saw W we went out for dinner. When W asked what I been up to she was impressed and intrigued by the things I was doing and how I snapped out of my post-separation funk.
What was even better is that GAL'ing was making me happier. This was good because I needed to feel happy but W also noticed. We started spending more time together to the point where we talked everyday and went out together on date nights several times a week.
Every time I see W I am smiling, I listen to what she has to say, am considerate, and do my best to make sure she feels comfortable around me. I really have to battle with my internal feelings to pull this off, but for the most part it works. W and I have been getting along great... better than we have in a long time. What you should try to do is be in a good mood around her. Don't say anything to bring her down. Don't initiate R talks. When you see her try to look your best and smell good, use cologne.
You want her to fall back in love with you, and to do that you need to try to be the person she fell in love with to begin with. This requires some soul searching on your part and the strength to put the negatives of the past behind you. Be forgiving. This can be hard but it needs to be done. You need to figure out what W wants and be that if you can.
Hope that helps. The methods outlined in DR to have helped me reconnect with my W in a positive way. She still need more time to figure things out so patience is the next thing I need to work on
