GD, you seem to be very knowledgable about this. I try to take your advice, man it is just hard sometimes. Some days I feel great and other days it is just HARD. BTW, how is your sitch going, last I looked, things were looking better for you.
Play till the last whistle blows my friend. Stay busy, go to the driving range. I know about the driving man, 50 minutes to work for me one way twice a day. Luckily I have XM radio and the comedy channels keep me laughing. I work with a guy in a warehouse who keeps me laughing also. he knows my sitch and listens when I bitch. Do not sit idle, find something to do.I am still playing golf and working out..if not for that and my daughter, I'm ssure I would be in trouble.[/quote]
Sounds like some good ideas. I let my XM run out, I use to listen to the PGA network everyday on my rides, maybe it's time to renew, it sure beats listening to music that only reminds you of your sitch.
Just a little journaling, S10 had ball game tonight, had a good night sitting with W in bleachers and talking. After game we went back to her (OUR) house and had some dinner. Haven't done that in a while. S7 has practice tomorrow night, I told W I will pick boys up from school and just swing by and pick her up at about 6:30 tomorrow night to go to practice. She seemed fine with it. There were no R talks at all. When I first moved out of my parents about a month ago, during the first week we were having good interactions and carrying each other to the practices and going to dinner after some of them if it were not too late, but dumby me just had to bring up how great everything felt as it felt like we were a family again, of course this was a major backslide and my W closed off saying she didn't want to give me the wrong impressions. I will NOT speak anything about our R as I want to be able to do things with them as a family and not put any pressure on her. I learned from my last time as I thought headway was being made and it all got closed off. Hopefully she will not think about tonight too much and decide to just not go tomorrow night, that would be something she would do if she feels she is letting the door open too much.
Sounds like you had a very pleasant evening. If you do go with W tomorrow night, remember not to bring up any talk about R no matter how well things may be going. Let W initiate any R talk. As you may have noticed since your S, any R talk you have initiated has caused W to become distant. Keep doing what is working and avoid what has not worked.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Just a little journaling, S10 had ball game tonight, had a good night sitting with W in bleachers and talking. After game we went back to her (OUR) house and had some dinner. Haven't done that in a while. S7 has practice tomorrow night, I told W I will pick boys up from school and just swing by and pick her up at about 6:30 tomorrow night to go to practice. She seemed fine with it. There were no R talks at all. When I first moved out of my parents about a month ago, during the first week we were having good interactions and carrying each other to the practices and going to dinner after some of them if it were not too late, but dumby me just had to bring up how great everything felt as it felt like we were a family again, of course this was a major backslide and my W closed off saying she didn't want to give me the wrong impressions. I will NOT speak anything about our R as I want to be able to do things with them as a family and not put any pressure on her. I learned from my last time as I thought headway was being made and it all got closed off. Hopefully she will not think about tonight too much and decide to just not go tomorrow night, that would be something she would do if she feels she is letting the door open too much.
Well another day in the books, I have kids this weekend and both boys have baseball games, one Saturday and one Sunday.
I have a question, I am more the laid back parent with our boys, me S10 went to a baseball game tonight with one of his friends in the neighborhood, it was 85 degrees here today and he wanted to wear shorts, I didn't see nothing wrong with this, as if I were going that is what I would have worn also, well my W calls about 5:30 to talk to him and I told her he has already left, she asked if he put his jeans on, I told her no, it was 85 degrees outside and he didn't want to wear them, well of course this pissed her off and she said I will go by his friends house and be the good parent and make him wear jeans.
In one of our last R talks she pointed out that this is one of our drawbacks because we don't see eye to eye on our kids. Am I suppose to let go of what I believe and make decisions on what I think she would want? I have a hard time with this. I was brought up where we played everyday in our neighborhood and had fun, she was brought up where she did not and stayed in most of the time. We really do see differently on this issue. My oldest S wanted to walk home from school today to my house which is only 1/4 mile from school, there are probably 100 kids that walk home as we live in a community development where the school is, she would not let him, I see nothing at all wrong with this but I didn't go against her and let him but I think she is being too protective. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
I can't understand the deal with the shorts. I would think that you should be able to make everyday decisions for the boys when you have them on the weekends. Unless it's some kind of emergency, illness, hospital thing..
I can see her point about the walking home from school I guess. Mothers are like that with their boys. How old is the oldest? If he's 15 or so and she's saying no then that's a little strange I think. If he's 10-13, she's probably thinking he's not ready yet. I'm like you I would not have a problem with it..but mothers with their sons...that's a whole different ballgame.
Oldest S is 10, he see's all of these other kids walking home from school and he really wants to, this does not bother me at all as there are at least 100 kids that walk home from this school every day and this is an elementary school which he is in the 5th grade which is the oldest grade there. I understand her point on it but I also see that there is no harm in him walking home. Oh well, we will see.
BTW, I did see W later after the phone call as S7 and I had to go by there and get there clothes for this weekend, all seemed fine then, we didn't talk about the earlier phone call, I had to remind myself not to bring it up as I did not like the comment she stated of being the good parent and carrying him some jeans. I don't even know if she carried some over there or not as son has not came home yet, I expect him anytime now.
don't know what the future holds. I can not get her to MC as she doesn't feel that will teach her anything that she doesn't already know, we did go to one about 2 months after the seperation and she says she didn't get anything from it.
This is kind of funny to me b/c that was what the counselor I went to the first time told me. After talking to me she said she could not tell me anything that I did not already know. Now, what she meant by that is that I have read a lot of books on the subject of M and R over many years. I have a feeling your W has done the same thing, so that is what she means. She feels that she has read and studied everything about the subject and the the C could not tell her anything new that she hasn't already read or heard. She has probably been doing this for many years that you didn't even have a clue about.
Ping, you know I speak bluntly at times, so I'm going to say this and I think you are man enough to take a 2x4 up against your head. You have said in more than one post that you were a big jerk in the M and that you controlled her and just did not treat her well at all. You gave most of your time to the boys instead of investing in the MR and filling her "love bank". I have told others that females are likes roses and if you don't feed and water them....they will wilt and die. Men don't seem to get that! Wives put up with the bad attitudes, abuse, control, neglect, or whatever the H may be doing for years......and then she has had enough. When she is drained of all her feelings of desire, love, etc., she just wants to end it. Then the man doesn't understand what has happen to his wife! He gets frantic and does all the wrong things to try to get her to stay with him and it pushes her away.
Some of the men find their way to this board and seek help.....like you did. That is good. They buy Michelle's DR book....that is great! But, they can't get it into their thick heads that what the wife put up with for years and years cannot be undone in a few weeks or even months. You were a jerk! You admitted it. So, what did you expect? Did you think that a few talks would work magic and she would melt at your feet and be all so happy to live with you again? You see, you wanted to fix her! You are the one that you need to focus on to get "fixed" and allow her time to do her own self improvement.
I'm not trying to sound like a bitch......I'm trying to get your eyes open, Ping. I am a woman and I know how your W is feeling and thinking. She went so many years of just enduring the R and was very unhappy, but she probably did a good job of "covering up" her true feelings. You manipulated her. She had no freedom or to use her own mind and free will. Of course she lost herself and didn't know who she was. You did not allow her to know that b/c you controlled everything! You did not feed the rose and she wilted and died. You drained all the love from her "love bank" and never made any "deposits".....so now she is empty.
So, what do you do? You have asked that several times. You start all over, Ping. Start fresh. You become the man she once fell in love with and that means a lot of hard work and not magic and not in a few months. I personally think you will have to just start a brand new R with her b/c she will not re-enter what was there before. You messed up big time! She does not trust you. I don't blame her for leaving you. I would not have put up with you for a month b/c I am the type of woman that will use her own free volition and no H is going to manipulate my life. I believe in a W showing respect for her H and I believe in him being the head of the home. But I also believe that he should love his W and put her first in his life and cherish her with all of his being. You did not do that and you certainly did not show her that she was cherished.
Now that I have give you a beating, let me say that if I did not care what happen to you and your family, I would not be sitting here typing my fingers off when I should be getting ready for bed. We have tried to encourage you and give you hope. Your W has not done things the way she should either. She got her freedom, but she still is not happy. So, she has to have time to "find herself" and know who she is.....find her identity apart from you. You took that away from her, so now you owe her that time to get herself together. We have told you to work on yourself and improve yourself, well, she has to do the same thing. But, you are still falling apart and have not calm down to the point of being "cool" (as the kids say). Time, Ping, time...time....and more time. Look how many years you were together. And don't dare even to think about getting into another R with a woman! That would be the worst thing you could do at this point. That (a R with OW) is what would endorse her feelings that you never really loved her........it wouldn't be applying the DB like you thought in the beginning.
Okay, about the boys walking home from school, the clothes, etc. She was out of line about the clothes. If they are with you for the weekend, you should be able to call the shots as to what the kids wear. When they are with her, she makes that decision, but not when they are with you. The walking home is a fear she has b/c of all the crap she hears on the news about kids disappearing and never being found again. It is b/c she is a mother and she wasn't raised like a boy......so it is hard for her not to be over protective. Try to understand that. You said there were about a 100 kids walking home in that community....but are they all in a large group from the time they leave school until your kids reach home, or do your boys have a distance to walk alone? Anyway, you two will just have to reach some type of compromise about that.
I did not say what I have to make you mad........just to try to wake you up and see the light. You are trying, but you are still very impatient and can't accept that it is going to take a long time. If you feel that she is the most valuable person on earth.....you will work your ass off to become the man she fell in love with and you will draw her back...the right way. It will take some convincing for her to see and trust you again. Is she worth it? Can you do the work and wait the time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi for your input, I really do appreciate it. Yes I am impatient, that is something I am working on. My W is worth holding out for and saving our M. I know that I did not put enough love into the deposit in our marriage that I should have done, as many others here, we thought everything was fine.
I have decided that I would wait the whole time if needed, in NC it takes a year for a D to be final, that is over 7 months from now. I will work hard to do what is needed to make me a better person and hopefully she will see the changes that take place. I want nothing more than to save our family as that is the most important thing in my life.
Really Sandi, thank you for being honest with me, I don't get offended by your comments and I really appreciate you taking the time to come here and give your feedback.
