Ready2Change (II) - Detached

[Ready2Change]

Thank you all for the kind words and support! I'll address the questions in another reply.

Interesting: W was leaving and saying goodby to kids (They all in our bed). I said "Have a good day mommy!" in a very upbeat tone. She said "Ya". She then asked if I planned on being home tonight. I said yes. She then said she had "dinner plans tonight".(I change/W changes...). I said "no problem".

Typical morning after she left. Enjoyed kids. Pancakes.. ect.

I initialed an email conversation to find out when she wanted me home (I offered to meet kids at bus stop) and let her know I was taking kids out for dinner tonight. My email acting up so I then confirmed time with a text message.

Positive: A little dialog with W.
Positive: W thanked me.

I plan on getting home a little earlier than when she wants to leave. If she dressed nice I am going to drop a compliment (180 I have only did this once since bomb, and don't remember the last time I did before the bomb).

I plan on stating this to her tonight before she leaves:

"W, do you have a minute?" (Get her direct attention and most likly direct eye contact).
"Have a wounderful time tonight, and don't worry about rushing home. I have everything covered."
"By the way, that outfit looks really nice on you"

[Just_Me]

"W, do you have a minute?" (Get her direct attention and most likly direct eye contact).
"Have a wounderful time tonight, and don't worry about rushing home. I have everything covered."
"By the way, that outfit looks really nice on you"

The sentiment is nice...the delivery is too forced. The "do you have a minute" will likely start her already thinking, "here goes another relationship talk", and the fact that you accentuate this whole encounter by formalizing what you want to say, makes it seem unnatural/fakey.

Personally, I'd forgo the "got a minute" and just say, "that outfit looks nice" very casually, and just say, "have fun" as she walks out the door. I've forgotten....is there someone else?

[Ready2Change]

... about mysterious. The several episodes you listed sound like you are having an affair. If it comes across that way to me, it very easily could to her, especially since that's her mindset at the moment. I've never been a real advocate of fake mystery. If you were actually separated, I'd say, "keep so busy that she can't always get ahold of you", but because you are living in the same house and she sees your comings and goings, any "mysterious" and vague, "I'm going out" or "I'll be late for dinner" sound like cheating, especially since you are apparently so happy at the moment, despite the fact she dropped a bomb. I personally would tone down on the mystery...

I think you are right. I will tone down. W has followed my lead with "dinner plans" of her own. The hard part is I am not a mind reader and W is hardly speaking to me.

[Ready2Change]

...but you should still consider your wife's feelings. Meaning, I hope you aren't leaving her all the activity that seems to come before and after dinnertime while you are at the gym. If so, it will seem very selfish. You don't want her resenting you because you took off right before or after dinner.....

This is what got me in this sitch in the first place. (I gave up helping (overtime) with the chores. Everything I tried was "not good enough" and "not appreciated") She is very controlling. 180's -Helping with chores (example: W has not unloaded dishwash since the bomb) I go to gym after W and Kids go to bed at 8.

[Ready2Change]

Third thing (sorry, couldn't help myself): I'm sure you are doing this, but just a reminder that you can still be nice. If you haven't asked her any questions about work or her life, it's okay to do so, and you can then show her how well you listen. I just mention this because sometimes a person gets so successful at detaching, and so good at getting a life, that it comes across as a person that is self-centered and couldn't give a rip that the marriage is breaking down. You can, and should, give her attention, but only as much as she's willing to accept. If she rebuffs any attempt to engage her in conversation, then it's not the right time...

Everytime I ask about anything, It is "OK". No details ect. Timing not right yet.

I asked for opinions on this earlier, but got no resonse, still hoping for some insight:

Instead of asking "how was your day?" would "Tell me about your day" be appropriate (or pursuing)? I think pursuing. The silence is killing me!

[Ready2Change]

Just wondering if you have done anything to show that the 'insensitive' part of you has changed, and indeed, changed for good? It would be counter productive to reference these incidents, but maybe if there is a way to show W that you would approach the situation differently?

Most of my 180's are not self centered. I have been toping of gas on both cars washing when I can etc... (maybe persuing?)

Do you know why this is an issue (BAR) for W?

Maybe W believes her family would disapprove?? just a guess.

[Ready2Change]

..Personally, I'd forgo the "got a minute" and just say, "that outfit looks nice" very casually, and just say, "have fun" as she walks out the door. I've forgotten....is there someone else?

Point taken. Thanks, I'll be more casual.

I am not aware that there is someone else , only fantasy man. She does have some male freinds that could be EA's. I am not going looking! I will take that "bitter pill" when she gives it to me. I am preparing myself in case there is OM and hopefully can remain calm.

[Just_Me]

Everytime I ask about anything, It is "OK". No details ect. Timing not right yet.

I asked for opinions on this earlier, but got no resonse, still hoping for some insight:

Instead of asking "how was your day?" would "Tell me about your day" be appropriate (or pursuing)? I think pursuing. The silence is killing me!

Tough..."tell me about your day", seems a little pursuing, but "how was your day", has been largely non-productive. How much do you know about what goes on at her work? The people at work? Here's my idea...quit asking daily how work was...but at least be around in case she brings it up. Take that moment to just let her speak and you just provide validation and follow-up questions that will let her continue to speak. Maybe once a week, not only ask, "how was your day?", but if she only answers, "ok", give a follow-up question...."did you get things worked out with the x,y,z project?" or "is so and so still out on maternity leave?" Something that will show you at least have an awareness of her life. If she doesn't open up about work despite a couple questions, then just continue to do it infrequently...maybe seeking you out to talk will be a baby-step you can work towards. This could be the first experiment. Since it's Thursday, maybe wait til next Tuesday or Wednesday to ask again.

[one_light]

Hey R2C,

The saga of your detachment is very encouraging. I’m trying to get to that place myself. It is a fine line on which one has to balance. You seem to me to be doing very well. Just wanted to send you an “ataboy.” Will be watching with interest.

[Ready2Change]

...It is a fine line on which one has to balance...

Here is how I am coping with this. I am trying to start a new relationship with an attractive woman I do not know. I do not want to scare her away. (anyone remember telling a girlfriend "I love you" too soon, what happened?) Same tactics here.

I need to figure out how to make her laugh (I used to).