Ready2Change (II) - Detached

[one_light]

I am trying to start a new relationship with an attractive woman I do not know.

Very interesting perspective. Do you feel that the prior familiarity helps you or hurts you in that regard? There is also the lingering resentment to overcome. I do, however, like the approach. I suppose it’s all about creating that attraction again. Creating that spark.

[Ready2Change]

...Do you feel that the prior familiarity helps you or hurts you in that regard? There is also the lingering resentment to overcome.

It definately hurts my progress.

... I suppose it's all about creating that attraction again. Creating that spark...

I am not even attempting to get the spark at this point. I am working on communication, followed by respect, then moving into freindship. Hopefully spark follows... It is a very long road ahead....

[Ready2Change]

Positive Sign: Today I have had a fair amount of communication (relatively speaking) with W (Email and TEXTMSG).

She initiated talk about paying off CC dept. Wants to sell my stock to pay off.

Here is my initial response:

I understand that you want to pay the dept off quickly. Im hoping for $XX or $XX. Maybe we look at some other options if you want to pay them off this soon.

I think this was a good response. I show empathy, but gave her my point. It also is getting some dialog between us.

This is not the time to pay off this dept! This will be part of negotiation if we go down her path.

[one_light]

Sounds like a pretty good response to me. I have learned through trial and error that anything you can do to appear confident and in control is a positive. She may be testing you to see if you are going to give in to any old thing she wants. If you can stand up for yourself and your interests and all the while continue to be positive and up-beat then that is a positive.

You strike me as being very realistic and goal oriented about all of this. You’ve got as good a shot as any.

[Ready2Change]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! <<<------- ME SCREAMING LOADLY!!!!!

[sofaraway]

R2C, just wanted to chime in real quick about something.

Quit with the planning. Being nice or respectful to your wife is so much more significant when it is not pre-planned. And trust me, they know when it is pre-planned.

I think you are a wee bit tightly wrapped right now with all of this. You need to relax a bit and get back to the business of being yourself.

This is not a game of strategy, it is your marriage. The attraction that eventually draws your wife back to you needs to be the real you. Otherwise, if she does come back, you will end up letting her down because of her false expectations. You do not want to end up back here because of that.

Be yourself, be a good person, be caring, and lovingly detach yourself from your wife. I know its not easy, but the reward at the end, whether it be restoring your marriage or becoming yourself again are well worth developing the patience.


Ian

[Ready2Change]

Just had to get that out,

OK,

I stopped by our financial planner. Going to ask about borrowing against 401K ect to pay CCs.

He says W was in Tuesday....(I did not know)

I said R not good. He said W said we are getting divorced....

He said W sold our join stock and a check is on the way (news to me!) to pay for her lawyer.

He recommended confronting W.

[Ready2Change]

Well lots of details about tonight, I will hit big ones.

I call her out on the check. I got into R talk.

W still on D path not wavering at all.

W told kids. (somewhat my fault, I asking W questions while kids there)

I call my dad and let him know the sitch (third person I tell).

R talk, I tell wife if we both get lawyers it will be battle, I prefer:

PHASE I "COUNSOLING" 12 Sessions

1) IMPROVES COMMUNICATION


PHASE II "DO IT OURSELVES"

do it ourselves on line at 3stepdivorce.com with out layers. (or use Legal Document Assistant/Paralegal to draw up documents)
1) Inexpensive (~$300)
2) W and I have to talk and work together to solve a big issue.
3) Quickest
4) Best for civil Relation (Next 40 years)

PHASE III "DIVORCE MEDIATION"

If "do it ourselves" fails, we retain a divorce mediator. We should already have some of the foundation laid. Main advantage of mediation is that it keeps US in control of our divorce, and we have someone else help address our differences in a non adversarial process.

PHASE IV : TRADITIONAL DIVORCE LITIGATION (ADVERSARIAL DIVORCE)

($200/hour --> $4000+)
hiring two layers is going to be battle with W is the worst option for future with a good Relationship

I suggested 12 consoling sessions she came back with 2. (Well at least she will go) she called out cost as reason.

W is heading down PHASE III Path. W wants 65/35 split with kids, keep house has her weekends to play ect...

I want to work on marriage, but if D is going down I want it fair with 50/50 time with kids.

S9 - OK but Sad.
S7 - Affected him the most.
D5 - She sad, but "I want to live with MOMMY!"

[Ready2Change]

Hi Ian, Thanks for the input. Tonight was rough. I will respond, but my answers my be different tomorrow.

Quit with the planning. Being nice or respectful to your wife is so much more significant when it is not pre-planned. And trust me, they know when it is pre-planned.

I guess I am trying to learn to be nice and respectful. My W perceived me as a "self center A$$". Looking back now, yes I was. She tried to tell me, but I didn't hear.

I think you are a wee bit tightly wrapped right now with all of this. You need to relax a bit and get back to the business of being yourself.

Pulling my wagon of resentment and being myself got me in this mess.

This is not a game of strategy, it is your marriage. The attraction that eventually draws your wife back to you needs to be the real you. Otherwise, if she does come back, you will end up letting her down because of her false expectations. You do not want to end up back here because of that.

I know, I am not sure who the real me is anymore. I know I have changed with all of this.

Be yourself, be a good person, be caring, and lovingly detach yourself from your wife. I know its not easy, but the reward at the end, whether it be restoring your marriage or becoming yourself again are well worth developing the patience.

I agree. I think I backslid alot tonight.

[Ready2Change]

Lots of thoughts, just trying to get them out:

Kind of crazy: W dropped the "F you" bomb on me tonight. This is only the second time I remember her cursing me.

___________________________

In past,I have felt better after R talk with wife, but next day I get down. I hope I stay up tomorrow.

Crazy how I am supporting my wife on the D path. I hope MC will help save M. Hope W will go to more than 2 sessions.

Hard to walk two paths.

Worried about S7. He immediately started witting notes. I have one (paper airplane with "I AM SAD" written on it in 4 places).