Ready2Change (II) - Detached

[Ready2Change]

I used the 5 why's (only took 3 to get to a place I could answer a question) with the kids to help get feelings out.

I ask: How do you feel. Response 1: Sad
I ask WHY 1: Response 2: Divorce
I ask Why 2: Response 3: Not spend time w Daddy
I answered and give reassurance that we will still spend time together.

This worked good with all three kids. I don't want the kids to bottle up there feelings, I think this worked good. I think they felt better after the reassurance...

[Ready2Change]

What a night, I'm off to bed.....

[Just_Me]

R2C,

I'm sorry. I was hoping for better for you, but I've seen this before. I've lived it before. Right now her mind is made up and she's actively finding ways to get a D and working through the details. Accept that...she truly thinks that divorcing you is the best option.

With that firmly in mind, make sure that you are fair to yourself. You don't get a second chance to do this right. You might think, "I can always get more time with the kids later", but once a precedence is set, it's hard to get change. That's why you need to do this as well as possible and work to get the amount of time you want...if it's 50/50, then work towards that.

Also, it's easy for her to drop "F you" bombs and go behind your back to take money because she has nothing to lose. And neither do you...what's she going to do, divorce you again? So, cancel any joint credit cards. Report them stolen if you have to or tell them you lost yours and they'll give you a new number. Don't think that she is incapable of running up credit cards. Talk to her about splitting the checking and savings right now, before she can either spend what's in it, or liquidate it into her own account. Or, you can just take half of money and then tell her you opened your own accounts with 50%. Then you can start depositing your wages in your own account.

I know that sounds too calculating, but it's protecting yourself. It doesn't matter if it upsets her. Should she ever come back, she won't mind that you were the fiscally responsible one.

As sofaraway suggested, just be yourself. Take joy and pride in your ability to overcome this. Don't let her see you crushed by this. Be strong, be happy, be willing to let any insults slide off your back. You have nothing else to lose either...she's going, but you just might make her regret and doubt the decision by letting her see what she's leaving. And make sure you make the most of this time with your kids. Visitation sucks.

[Ready2Change]

I just had my first telephone coaching session. It was extremely helpful.

[Ready2Change]

Yesterday:

I addressed two issues with W. Writing down my feelings has worked several times, so I tried this method again.

First Note:

W, I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you. I am angry that you sold our stock without consulting me. I want to trust you with our joint assets. I need your assurance that we will discuss and reach a consensus when it comes to selling our joint assets. I understand that you felt you had the right to sell the stock. I appreciate you taking the time to understand how I feel. I would like to have a friendly discussion about what we are going to do with the check.

Thank you for understanding - H

She read it an apologized. She offered to split the money. She still wanted to use the money to retain a lawyer.

Then I hand her second note:

W- I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you. I feel embarrassed about the way I expressed my anger yesterday. I feel ashamed that I let my anger escalate to a point that exposed our kids to our situation before we intended. I understand your desire to get the process started. I am afraid you were skipping several key steps in the process that are critical to maintaining a friendly relationship. I understand that you believe hiring a lawyer is the proper action. I want this process to be as painless as possible. Each of us retaining a lawyer will be the most painful. If we need a mediator, I prefer that we both go together to find one. - H

W agreed not to get lawyer! (I believe she was honest).

[Ready2Change]

Last night:

I GAL --> went to a concert. Had a good time. The show was great!

____________________________________________
1. What do I really, really, really want?
W to be happy. Me to be happy.
2. Happiest moment yesterday:
W agreeing not to get lawyer.
3. Refine my mantra
I can be calm with W. I can walk away from bad interactions.

[Ready2Change]

Today:

I let W do her thing with kids early and slept in (old me). Try not to pursue and I was tired. W took boys to Baseball tryouts and I spent several hours with D5. We had good time. Snuggle in bed, went to park and swing, snuggle and watched a movie.

W going to town with all kids today. I asked her a favor -> Rent skis for S9 (S9 and I going tomorrow). She said OK and I gave her money to cover cost.

S7 not behaving/listening. He is more angry after D was brought to his attention. I put my foot down and he got mad! I need to focus on his feelings and validate and address concerns....

Since S9 and I missing church in morning, I asked for him to be home for 5:30 mass. She sounded like that may rush them. She has been the religious one in the R. I been praying a lot and listening more since bomb. I'll go tonight either way...

Time to exercise.

[Ready2Change]

I quick update on today:

Skiing with S9 all day! We had a blast! He asked lots of questions. I was honest as best I could.

I called W when we done. Find out what going on w D5 at MIL. At end of conversation, W slipped with "love you bye". I know it was out of habit.

[Ready2Change]

Tonight:

During the Thursday night R confrontation, W said "I felt like you were going to pull the rug out from under me".

WHAT! Who is pull the rug from under who???? Anyway, I didn't say anything Thursday.

After kids in bed, I ask W what makes you think I would pull the rug out from under you? W said gut feeling and "all the sneaking around". I listened and most of it was the fact I haven't been telling her where I go at night (mostly gym). I pointed out the fact that she had said on multiple occasions that she doesn't care what I am doing. She also said that she "Always" tells me "everything" she is doing. I backslide a little and I got just a little defensive and said "So when I ask about work or other things and get an "OK" for an answer, that is "everything" you did. I left and pleasantly said "Good night" and got a pleasant "good night" back.

[Ready2Change]

I just sent this E-mail to W:

Hi W,

I understand that you do not want me in California with you, so I have made other plans. You can cancel the airline ticket if you haven't already done so.

I am still looking forward to seeing all the pictures of the kids enjoying the trip.

Have a good day!

I asked DB coach about this and he said "Which would be better? Being on the trip with W when she doesn't want you there, or not being on the trip, and having her miss you..."

This made sense to me, even though it first seams backwards...