Ready2Change (II) - Detached

[sofaraway]

R2C, understand that what your coach is telling you is that you have to stop imposing your wishes and wants on the situation.

If she wants to go alone you tell her you understand and you do exactly as your coach says, you hope that she misses you. Reality, the kids alone on vacation... the odds are at the very least she will miss her coparent.

As far as your other post, you have to stop having these conversations. Also, do not overwhelm her with these emails. Have you read about validating at all? The simple answer for her when she said she doesnt like that you dont tell her where you are going would have been simply, "I understand how this makes you feel". That's it, no excuses, no putting it back on her, just that you understand.

Let go of the rope dude, the tug of war is a battle that inevitably ends up with one of the two combatants covered in mud. If you drop the rope now you both get to stay clean.


Ian

[Ready2Change]

...The simple answer for her when she said she doesnt like that you dont tell her where you are going would have been simply, "I understand how this makes you feel". That's it, no excuses, no putting it back on her, just that you understand.

Thanks Ian. I know what I should say, but It doesn't comes out as often as it should.

[sofaraway]

Heck R2C, make sure you dont read me wrong here. No one said this stuff is easy, its hard as hell. They dont call it fighting for your marriage for nothing.......

Keep your chin up man, you are doing great. Me pointing out things in no way means that you are not doing a good job, just means you need to see some of the small things as well.


Ian

[Ready2Change]

...Keep your chin up man, you are doing great. Me pointing out things in no way means that you are not doing a good job, just means you need to see some of the small things as well...

Keep the input coming! It helps my PMA alot. The main reason I am posting is for input, followed by insperation for others that follow...

I'm back up today. I've let W actions bring me down last few days, but doing my best to be upbeat and positive. Still being freindly to W.

[Ready2Change]

W is open to doing 1-2 counsoling sessions. I spoke with Virginia yesterday. I plan on approaching wife to do a 1 day session with Michele.

I had a 1 hour long massage yesterday. (I needed it!) I enjoyed watching and playing with kids last night. S7 was very intertaining.

Interesting: I have become more patient with Kids. I notice W is much less patient with Kids these days. We are reversion roles...

Interesting: I have been more open to kids being in bed with us at night. W is becoming more demanding that they sleep in their beds... another role reversal....

Interesting: W skipped one of her club meeting Monday night. First time. My actions have affected this. She chose not to go. Old Sitch W pretty much demanded to go and I would try convince her not to go..... 180's working
____________________________________________
1. What do I really, really, really want?
To let go of the rope!
2. Happiest moment yesterday:
Watching kids playing trivia game with W.
3. Refine my mantra
I can do 180's with my kids.

[Ready2Change]

Tonight:

I wrote down my thoughts and gave W this note:

W, I understand your desire to keep this process moving forward as quickly as possible. I also understand that you feel multiple counseling sessions would be a waste of money and time. I have identified a counselor willing to do one session with us. I need to do this to move forward. Regardless of the future, I am real certain that I never want to be in this situation again. I need to learn from this experience. The session will include co-parenting dialog to assure the least negative effects on S9,S7, and D5. The session will need to be during the day (M-F). I just need to supply them several different dates that work for us so they can fit us in their schedule.

Thank you for understanding

H

W agreed. W said next week would be good.

W ask Who, I said "Michele".
W said why, I said "highly recommended".

[Ready2Change]

Good night with Kids. Did the normal reading, playing ect.

Also made it to gym tonight. Felt good to work out.
____________________________________________
1. What do I really, really, really want?
Kids to be happy.
2. Happiest moment Today:
Playing game with S7.
3. Refine my mantra
I can listen to W and say "I understand you feel XXXX"
I can say "I feel W is XXXX" vs "W is XXXX"

[slowly]

Wow, you are getting her into a session with Michele - this is major. Well done

[Ready2Change]

Of course, she is now fighting it....

AHHHHHHH....

[Ready2Change]

4/11
W agreed (4/11) to meet with Michele on 4/17. W requested Micheles full name, so I wasn't sure if jernaling was a good idea (search on Micheles name goes right to DB site. Spent evening W kids. We met inlaws and my dad for dinner. D5 to inlaws for night.


4/12
Snowboarding with S9 and S7. Went with friend and his son. Good times!

4/13
Sinus headache. Went to church with family. I also noticed for the first time W not wearing ring (I havn't really been paying attention lately). I just let that roll off without any reaction. It helped alot that I have been reading other posts about this issue before it happened. Did peace handshake with W. W looked suprised, she gave firm grip. (last time I didn't shake her hand. I was still angry at her about stock sale). I spend a few hours with D5. Park swinging and library reading.

W said excuse me a few times when we got within each others space while in kitchen (This is a positivve step!). Went to concert. Had a good time. (I leave in business casual clothing and change at show). Not sure if this is good, but trying to keep the mysterious going. I still preparing for OM if that is happening or not, I don't know.

4/14 W made Spaghetti pie for dinner. otherwise standard night

4/15 W had meeting (W is coach for D5 baseball). Leftovers for diner. I bathed Kids. otherwise standard night

4/16-Picked up chinese for dinner. Went to gym and had a good workout. My dad came up in evening (He spending night and 4-17 With Kids.

4/17--Very long day. Full day with W with Michele.