Didn't realize it had been so long since I posted...
The hockey game was fun; however, guess who I saw less than 15 minutes after we arrived? OW with her kids...fortunately, it is a largish arena and I couldn't see her seat from where we were, but it still put a bit of a damper on the evening...
I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but i need to vent...
I'm heading down on the rollercoaster and really need to jump off...good ole' Mr. Expectations got me hoping last week that H and OW were on the skids...they likely hit another significant bump, but it wasn't fatal. And by the end of the week it seems that things are just cruising along again... as much as I know I shouldn't, i've still been checking his voicemail at work...and after another very somber message last week, things obviously changed, because on Sunday OW was talking about how much she was thinking of him, missing him and "ILY". Then after him spending several hours with her yesterday (after baldface lying about what his plans were for yesterday, and then f**king [sorry to be so graphic, can you tell I'm frustrated] the whole time), she leaves a message today, returning his call, saying how she woke up this morning thinking of him and 'I really love you'... God, it hurts so much to hear another woman's voice saying that to my husband.
Goal #1: I will stop checking H's voicemail NOW...
And, sadly, H has moved back downstairs to the living room pullout to sleep...he had moved up in early February (during their earlier blow up) after he started taking some Ambien, and then had stayed... he was sleeping very badly again during this last bump in the road, and last Thursday said he wanted to try a night with no stimuli, so moved back downstairs, and has stayed there.... I really think it's him moving away from me again, literally...
We also just got our raise info for next year (paltry to be sure in academe) but H seemed unusually interested in figuring out how much extra a month he was going to be earning... On the other hand, this is the month that S18 chooses a college, and H continues to talk like we're still going to try come up with the $$ to fund wherever S18 decides on (which will likely involve us borrowing $$). There's absolutely no way we could swing it if we split up.
I just have to back away from this...i'm finding it so hard to do, though. Since the kids have no clue about most of this, and I'm pretty sure H still thinks he's got this A all secretive... [in reality, he's so damn transparent]...i'm having a hard time figuring out my next step, or even if no step is the best step.
I'm feeling so defeated today... This is probably a time where him being gone would be easier than all living together.
I would love some suggestions on books about affairs, especially surviving/living through a spouse's affair; any that talk about someone keeping up a situation like H has on a long-term basis... For now, I guess it all hinges on me continuing to look the other way while he continues to hide things. I guess that's even more reason to quit snooping...
I'm just not prepared to confront H with what i know... but I do want to put up a big STOP sign to keep myself off that rollercoaster, and to get back to working on me.
So far today, no checking H's messages, and no replaying gutwrenching messages currently on there...
A small step forward for me!
H seems down today over phone...exchanging phone calls about S18 and working on financial packages from potential colleges. I found myself wondering if his mood related to the fact that all of the schools at the top of S18's list are a no-go if we split...but then I have let that concern go. That's his to deal with, right?
So far today, no checking H's messages, and no replaying gutwrenching messages currently on there...
A small step forward for me!
Still would love some advice on books...
L
Good for you! I agree you should try not to do that. I know the OW in my sitch probably says things like that to my H, but I couldn't stand to actually hear that!!! It seems like the snooping is just hurting you at this point. I think it is better to focus more on yourself and your kids; will pay off for you and be less painful also!!!
Others (and I) have noticed that my H seems depressed now that we've separated and I've noticed others posting on the boards that their Hs or Ws seem depressed while they are having the affair. Sue was just suggesting that this is because H is realizing that the problems are his and not me and the kids. I also wonder if it is the guilt kicking in maybe or like in your sitch your H is having a moment of reality where he is temp. not in his fantasy/fog thinking life with OW will be perfect (and of course it won't!!!). Karen
I just ordered 6 or 7 books about affairs and that last week and they should be in any day. I will prob. read them in the next month and will share with you if any are really good!!! Maybe somebody else will post here who has already read them. Of course I've read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and those are my favorites so far!!!
L, I read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and Jennifer Chalmers. It was very informative. It talks about why A's begin and end, how to end an A, how to restore the M after an A, and how to manage resentment and rebuild trust.
I have a couple more, such as My Husband's A Was the Best Thing that Happened to Me (think that's the title). Not bad, but not as good as the first one.
There is a book that is consistently recommended here, After an Affair, I think? Perhaps someone else can verify.
Well, I have a feeling that I'm not going to need to read any books about affairs... I fell victim to a snooping opportunity (found H's new password for his email and looked...) and read numerous emails between H and OW over the last week about their love for each other, and H's realization how in order to have OW in his life forever, he needs to make the decision to leave the house. THis is after more drama between them, and then coming back together (and H moving back downstairs to sleep)...the words he wrote her broke my heart; they were so earnest and so much like a grown man in love...with someone else.
Oddly, I am not crying my eyes out...stunned and not sure what the hell is going to happen to us all, or when this will come about...I really don't know how this will affect my older son and college in the fall, and I think I will probably grieve more for my 2 sons and their lost opportunities than anything else right now.
Not sure what to do now...I guess I will just keep waiting...I just don't know...I could really use some help...
I don't have any magic for making this time better for you. I did exactly what you did and every message I read tore my heart in two. It ate away at me and made it very difficult for me to act "as if" everything was OK. But believe me, I know the terrible feeling of reading loving words from your spouse, sent to someone else.
You should not just "keep waiting", though. Keep working on the changes that you have identified in yourself that you want to improve. Make sure your sons are loved and cared for. Your H is focused on OW, not his family, and this is probably a difficult time for them. Don't be passive, be active in improving yourself. That will enable you to be better prepared for H if realizes his mistake, or a better person for your next R.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Yea, the acting 'as if' has been pretty hard today... we are planning on a trip to Europe right after S18 graduates in end of May... talking about some things about it this pm was really hard. My assumption is that we will go on this...and then H will probably drop the 'i'm leaving' bomb.
When I wondered about 'just waiting', I guess what I really was meaning was do I just keep waiting for him to make this decision? I know that I don't want to split up our family; i've been doing this for a long time...I've known about my H's A for quite sjme time and have chosen to not confront him on it. I had hoped that it would ultimately die out.
But today's revelations make it pretty clear that it's much more likely that he's going...I just feel so utterly defeated.
I will continue to do what I can for me and our sons...in truth, my H is a great dad, albeit on his terms in large part. IT's just that I feel like this is really coming to the end...
Of course, H and I still had a brief convo this afternoon about S18s financial aid issues..and H's comments were geard toward "can we do this?" (meaning pay for the more expensive choices...) THere is no way to do this if we split, at least not any $$ from me other than what we've already saved...
I just feel SOOOO sad right now...
I'm not a praying woman, but I am asking God for help tonight to give me strength to make it through whatever is to come...
Am I a glutton for punishment...the answer is undoubtedly, YES...
I just spent the last hour poring through my H's email account, reading every available email between H and OW, a group of which go back to last May...
I guess in some ways it's like looking at an accident...gruesome, but compelling.
I am physically shaking right now, largely from being very tired, and also just from the sheer overwhelming feeling that my life is going to be changing very dramatically sometime soon...
Looks pretty clear to me that H has set himself some kind of a timeline to preparing to leave this house. H and OW went through more drama for about a week after Easter, but H had an epiphany last weekend about his behavior, and they are madly in love again.
I will now not look at his email again...I now know where things stand, and I don't want to relive the incredible humiliation that i feel inside over and over...
Now, I have to make some decisions...I really need some advice about the following:
1) Do I continue to act 'as if' with H (not that we have a good M, but just that i'm not aware of what's transpiring...)
and for now, i'm going to just leave it at #1. My brain hurts right now, and I'm going to try to go to sleep...
(((L))) I don't have much advice, but I can feel how much pain you are in. I hope you were able to get some sleep.
I have not read any of you threads but this one, so I am not sure of your whole story, but personally I think you should continue to act "as if" and DB your butt off. Nothing has really changed since you read the emails, except for that now you know what they have said to each other.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I think it is better to focus more on yourself and your kids; will pay off for you and be less painful also!!! 