Last Thread I have really contemplated moving back to the separated forum, but I guess I will just stay here for now...although I don't really feel that I belong here anymore.
So H finally called me last night. Today would have been a week with no contact. He seemed nervous when I answered. I was actually out with some friends and contemplated answering. Then I decided he would be able to tell I was out, and maybe he would see I am not just sitting at home doing nothing.
We didn't really talk for long. He told me he didn't really have any reason for calling (he always seems to think he needs a reason to call) but he just wanted to see how I was doing since we hadn't talked in a while. I told him I was fine. I asked him about work and we just chit-chatted for a little bit. I told him I was meeting up with his parents and his sister this weekend and that if he didn't have to work he was welcome to go with me. He told me he wasn't sure if he was scheduled to work but if he wasn't he needed to work at the restaurant for some extra money. He also said he didn't think he could handle seeing his parents right now.
I have made a decision that I still won't contact him. If he decides again that he wants to work on the marriage...and for some reason I have a feeling he will...then I will have requirements for doing so. I will not welcome him back again with open arms. I deserve to be happy too. I think I am in a better state emotionally to require that my needs also be met. I am no longer afraid of being without him.
If after some time he has made no effort then I will move on. I will make the move and file for divorce and I will try to move on. I have to. I can't live like this forever. I have not decided how long until I make that move, but I am thinking I will wait until after the wedding I have to be in in June. I just don't think I can deal with that as well as the wedding stuff(which I am matron of honor in ). Also that will be about a year of me fighting for my marriage. If kids were involved maybe I could fight longer....but under the circumstances I don't think I can.
Hi, Kris! Glad to hear that you were able to get out with some friends this weekend!
It sounds like you really know what you want and will settle for nothing less. Got some boundaries to lay down now, eh? Good for you.
I'm also happy that you weren't the first to initiate contact with H. HE was! Very cool.
Just my opinion, but I wouldn't ask him anymore about joining you and his family during their visit. He could perceive it as pressure, but anyhow, he knows the invitation is there. Best to just leave it at that.
You know what you have to do for yourself, and you will know when the time is right for you to move on, with or without your H.
(((Have a great day!)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Yep, I had a good time this weekend. Hung out with my friends and also my mother a lot. My mother went through this about 5 years ago and is SO understanding of everything. I don't know what I would do without her. She is even the one that told me about this site.
I do have some boundaries. I know what I want and I know what I need to make this marriage work...I also need him to tell me what he wants and what he needs. Last time I didn't have any requirements, I just wanted him back. I don't think at the time I was strong enough to lay down boundaries. Now I am.
I did wait H out! I am so proud of myself. My next thing will be not to "mother" him about the car payment that will be due next week. Any suggestions on how to handle that? He should have the money to pay it, but I shouldn't have to remind him every month.
I won't ask him anymore about this weekend. I think that was the first time I had brought it up. I just wanted him to know he was welcome. I know he won't come. I won't mention it again.
I almost feel a sense of peace right now. I want our M to work...but I don't feel so needy and desperate.
My message to you disappeared! This computer at work has been acting strange, maybe that is why.
What I had said was that I think it is good to set timelines like you have. It helps you not feel like you are in limbo and makes things seem more manageable. Good for you!
If your H does not make the car payment, keep silent. I have done this with my H and his student loan. He has missed 2 payments and realized it yesterday. He got really mad at me about it. Said that he couldn't trust me (ummmm...yeah, I never cheated on him). But he got over it quickly. I think he realized that I can't take care of his bills for him anymore.
But he might not make a payment and you have to remember that it is not your job to make sure he remembers. That has driven me crazy because knowing the due date for that bill is near and it still lays there unopened...ahhh..
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Maybe my timeline will be a good thing. I didn't ever set one before because I didn't feel like it was right. I felt like I would know when I was done. Now I feel like this could drag on forever the way it is and I am not willing to live my life like that.
The problem with the car is that my name is on it too. I am kind of obsessive when it comes to paying bills...and have never paid a bill late. I am not willing to ruin my credit to teach H a lesson. If it was in his name only then I wouldn't say a word...just like I haven't about his credit cards. I am thinking maybe I will wait until the last minute and if he hasn't paid it I will pay it and then call him and tell him we have to sell it. ...Although I can already see the outcome of that...he will tell me he promises he will pay it next month and I will probably give in.
How about bringing up the car payment with something like, "Hey, I know you probably haven't forgotten, but just in case, I wanted to remind you that the car payment is due on ____. You're taking care of it, right? Cool, thanks! Just wanted to be sure. If something comes up, please let me know ASAP so we can handle it immediately. Thanks again!"
If he doesn't pay it on his own and you end up having to make the payment again, then you SHOULD put your foot down. I know it will be difficult, but I think you know you've got to do what's best for the both of you.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Maybe I will try that. In all honesty he should sell that car anyways. That car payment will be about half of his paycheck for 2 weeks..plus he can barely afford the gas.
Maybe he will pay it though without me asking. I think he really does feel guilty about all the help I have been giving him and he will feel good to do something on his own. ...Only time will tell.
I think a carefully phrased reminder of the due date, or maybe a suggestion to set up automatic payments from his checking account should do it.
Wait until after the payment is due to bring up any consequences of missed payments - unfortunately part of being an adult is having the freedom to fail too.
I am glad you had a fun weekend and that you waited him out on contact!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, maybe on the last day that it can be paid without being late I will just remind him carefully. Although, the more I think about it, I am thinking that he will pay it...if he is able. If not, then no choice but to get rid of it. I really think he has been feeling guilty lately and like he isn't contributing anything...not good for his PMA.
I have to admit that I did send H an email not too long ago. I am wanting to have the inside of the house painted. H has a friend in TX that paints and I asked him if he would call him and get an estimate. We will see if he gets back to me on that.
This no contact thing is REALLY hard when I am bored out of my mind!! Usually I can keep myself busy...but I don't seem to be able to tonight.
H replied to my email earlier and was asking all these questions about why I wanted to paint the house. I decided to just call him after work becuase I was about to leave and didn't want to stick around to send him another email. The conversation was ok. He said he would call his friend tomorrow and see how much he would charge. He said he was off work today but he worked at the restaurant...so that is good that he is trying to make extra money.
I asked him how he was doing and he said ok, he is just counting down the days until he gets his paycheck...which is friday. It will be his first full paycheck. ..Too bad that half of it will go to the car. The rest will probably go to bills. Not my problem though.
). Also that will be about a year of me fighting for my marriage. If kids were involved maybe I could fight longer....but under the circumstances I don't think I can.
