GD, what I mean by that is I am going to stop talking about relationship at all, be upbeat whenever I am around W and act as if. I have not been doing well with this until this week. My issue with some of this is W didn't think I loved her and needed her, I hope this doesn't backfire on me only to show her "see, I knew you didn't want to be with me and you are now proving that."
Well tonight went well at the ballfield. I was very upbeat around W, in fact she, myself and 3 other parents got on the subject about having children and the labor time that each of the women went through. We talked about how our two boys were born and how we came up with there names. My wife jokingly was telling these other parents about how she told me she thought she was going into labor with our 2nd son and I didn't believe her and left the house to go to work and she had to call me 20 minutes later to tell me to come home that it was time. "The reason I didn't believe her is because we had many false alarms with first son and I just believed this to be one of them." One of the funny things to this conversation is she told me about two weeks ago that I was never there for her when she needed me, and she brought this episode up as being one of the times, at least she was laughing about it tonight while telling the other parents. We talked about how it was in the delivery room and how beautiful of boys that we have. It was great tonight.
I left about 15 minutes early, trying to be a little suspicious.
I don't know if I did the right thing or not here but my youngest son wanted me to carry him to the store and get him some candy, so I carried him, I picked my W up a KitKat bar, this is her favorite. Is this considered persuing, I don't think she took it that way, but she has also said over the last 4 months that I didn't know what her likes were. She told me thank you and told our youngest son that KitKat's were her favorite. I guess shortly after we S, I went to Burger King to bring some dinner to the house, I brought her a Whopper, not thinking as I couldn't think clearly at the time, her favorite is a bacon double cheeseburger, she made it clear to me that night, "see, you don't even know what I like." I know she always ordered this but my mind wouldn't let me think on this particular night and I got to hear about how I don't even know her.
I just took a break from the boards for a few days. For some reason I started feeling down when I came on these boards, reading all of the posts and they made me begin to think that there is no hope in my situation. I have been really down these past few days.
Unfortunately I talked to my W about our R again, I know it is not the right thing to do but I felt I had to do it. Her comments are why would I want to live my life in misery as I have the past 14 years. We have been S over 4 months now and she is not letting go of any of the anger she has built up. I really want to save our R but it is becoming harder and harder. How can you be with someone for 22 years, married 14 years and have no feelings left? I can't understand this. I was a jerk as a H and didn't treat her as I should have, I never thought we would end up like this. I don't know which way to go from here, as you can see, I am really down on myself right now. Hopefully I will begin to feel better soon as this is no fun.
I think moving out on my own a month ago, "when I left my parents" has really set in this week and got me down. Do you ever feel useless? Let's hope better days are in the near future.
I just took a break from the boards for a few days. For some reason I started feeling down when I came on these boards, reading all of the posts and they made me begin to think that there is no hope in my situation. I have been really down these past few days.
Unfortunately I talked to my W about our R again, I know it is not the right thing to do but I felt I had to do it. Her comments are why would I want to live my life in misery as I have the past 14 years. We have been S over 4 months now and she is not letting go of any of the anger she has built up. I really want to save our R but it is becoming harder and harder. How can you be with someone for 22 years, married 14 years and have no feelings left? I can't understand this. I was a jerk as a H and didn't treat her as I should have, I never thought we would end up like this. I don't know which way to go from here, as you can see, I am really down on myself right now. Hopefully I will begin to feel better soon as this is no fun.
I think moving out on my own a month ago, "when I left my parents" has really set in this week and got me down. Do you ever feel useless? Let's hope better days are in the near future.
Ping, I know what you are feeling. My W says the same thing yours does. I feel we are married to the same woman. My W left me a message on the cell this morning that the papers were to be served on me today. I thought we were making progress but now I just don't know. This is very hard on me and I do not know how I will feel when the papers hit my hands. I question myself as to if I can keep my little changes going or will I let anger come sit on my shoulder and be my best friend?? I know if anger overtakes me I will be finished for good with no hope of reconciliation..It is hard to keep going on when your world is upside down.
Thanks M, I just don't understand this thinking. I'm sorry to hear about your sitch, I will get over to your thread and post. I guess this is common for the WAW, they must teach them this in school and us guys just never paid any attention to it as at the time it didn't pertain to us. Things are not going well for me lately. It's like everything I see or do I am thinking about my stich. The only time I don't think about it is when I am busy at work or on the phone. I do a lot of driving at work as I am a regional manager so between driving and living by myself, I have a lot of free time to let my mind wonder.
As I'm sure we all do, we try to think of that one thing that can bring our W back to us, after 4 months, it hasn't happened yet. Part of me knows that the only way I am going to get this off of my mind is to get involved in another R, but I also know that is death to my sitch. and I obviousy do not want my W to get involved with someone either. So I just keep hanging on and fight one day at a time. Who knows what the future holds for us.
Hey man, my thoughts on all this-Play till the last whistle blows. My intention is to live in this house even if we are in separate rooms until the judge says it's over. Why should I let my wife off easy??? I hate to take that attitude but what the hell. I know I screwed up our R. I've admitted it, took responsibility for it, hell took responsibility for things I should not have. Why should I pack up and make it easy on her. I have changed every thing I am doing. My wife will be 44 in may, was 42 when my D was born..has not had period in 6 months...but it's all on me according to her. It's not all on me brother, it's not all you.
Play till the last whistle blows my friend. Stay busy, go to the driving range. I know about the driving man, 50 minutes to work for me one way twice a day. Luckily I have XM radio and the comedy channels keep me laughing. I work with a guy in a warehouse who keeps me laughing also. he knows my sitch and listens when I bitch. Do not sit idle, find something to do.I am still playing golf and working out..if not for that and my daughter, I'm ssure I would be in trouble.
Why should I let my wife off easy??? I hate to take that attitude but what the hell.
M from TN,
If you hate take that attitude, then the choice/solution is simple -- don't have it. Seriously. I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm saying it's simple. It is true that you must get the anger and frustration out before you can get to a healthy place to do this, so get it out (just not towards your W). Once that dust has settled, work on letting go of the rope and forgiving her. Empathize and do your best to understand how she's feeling and how much pain this has been for her too. Truth of the matter is, she was in this pain you're feeling much earlier than you were ever aware of. She didn't just up and decide the day that she dropped the bomb that she was unhappy -- it had been eating at her for quite some time prior to that day.
So, ask yourself this -- is spite, revenge, getting even, making her suffer, making it hard on her, etc, going to help you grow from this experience or make you a better man? Be fair and be a man -- a GOOD man -- and do what is right. No regrets, my friend. Whatever you do, have no regrets.
Ping,
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Unfortunately I talked to my W about our R again, I know it is not the right thing to do but I felt I had to do it. Her comments are why would I want to live my life in misery as I have the past 14 years.
Of course you FELT you had to do it, but did you really have to? Your natural inclination is to do this, but the more you do it, the more you begin to realize that it isn't working, and only rekindles the embers of pain that this situation is creating for both of you. Also, now that you did it, you realize that it only reinforced her feelings about it, and has brought you down emotionally. Use that as a reminder the next time you desire to discuss the M anytime soon. If a good time ever does come, it will be quite a while from now.
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We have been S over 4 months now and she is not letting go of any of the anger she has built up.
Give her more time, my man. In reality, 4 months just isn't that long (although it seems like an eternity for us). It is going to take a lot of time and patience on your part. No short cuts, brotha -- exercise patience and make it your best friend (along with empathy and understanding).
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Part of me knows that the only way I am going to get this off of my mind is to get involved in another R,
It will get easier -- trust me on this, brotha. Also, your statement above is not true. Until you deal with your failed M (if it doesn't work out), accept it, forgive your W AND YOURSELF, and build a strong, happy, and healthy R with yourself, you will neither get your mind off of your W or have a healthy/fulfilling R with anyone else. In addition, a new R with someone else will be unfair to that person until all of your baggage from this M has been thoroughly dealt with. You won't be emotionally available to that person. Plain and simple.
Don't NOT get into another R just because it will seal the deal with W and an imminent D -- don't do it simply because you're not emotionally and mentally ready.
Hey GD, I know what you're saying and my post above was not a "hate" type post. I don't hate my W. She wants me to leave my house. I'm not leaving till it's over. That's what I meant when I said "Why should I make it easy on her". I'm not being vindictive. I want to save my M. She wants no part of it.I know she's been in pain for a long time and I'm sorry I have done the things I have done. I can't go back and fix the past. I'm tryiong to be a better person now. I'm playing till the last whistle blows. She's spitting venom and hurling insults right now. I am taking the blows but not returning any punches. I'm doing what's right.
