I went to a 5 day seminar on Health and Vitality in Midlife at Kripalu in MA. I had no expectations, aside from a very full itinerary of sessions and scheduled activities. What a wonderful learning experience it was.
I learned so much about nutrition, eating right, cooking right, living in a way that promotes incredible health now and for my future. Just the whole method of the deep breathing astounded me.. initially because I couldn't take a breath, and then with the way that breathing correctly allowed so many emotions to just drift up.. in a gentle way, like raindrops of tears.. almost soothing in their release.
The focus was on me, not the kids, not "Kevin".. and as the days progressed.. oh my goodness, I just shed the need to carry the weight of this divorce on my shoulders.
I am so sad about this turn of events in my life. Yet I feel so much joy in what I discover within myself. Two images came to mind when I was journaling.
A dirty bottle of Dom Perignon stuck in tar muck, tilted off kilter... yet when you pop the cork, inside is lightness, effervesence, joy. The exterior can be scoured and clean, but what is within is what is most important. Just because this situation sucks doesn't mean my life, my vitality has too, too!
A large welcoming tree, with bark showing some signs of its age. The branches are wide and strong, sheltering. The leaves are thick and full, singing a song in the breeze. Yet within, the core has rotted, it's hollow, empty.
I think the tree shows how I feel with an awareness I didn't have when I was married. I would do anything for family, even drift into a non-intimate relationship. I'm thinking I want to be a spring, bubbling renewal and goodness to all around me.
I learned what being 'centered' is. Like the airline attendants say.. In case of a loss in altitude, put the mask on yourself first.
So much of this situation has been a ping-pong of emotion, always reacting to what is thrown my way. Now I realize, I can breath deeply in a way that calms me, centers me.. being in the moment. If someone is doing something hurtful, I can look at their behavior and realize they have their own journey. As long as I hold the calm within, then I choose how to.. or not.. respond to provocation.
The retreat was phenomenal.. eating right, exercising, learning about nutrition, the body, breathing, being around positive people in an open environment. I felt like I'd been led there.
While he and the kids were at our FL vacation "Kevin" told the kids he was dating someone. He informed me in an email I didn't receive til I got home. He had a great line which I think is a great way to live .
"..Having upfront discussion(s) will keep us together and avoid the fractures that our family can encounter if we avoid topics that are hard to talk about, but are central to our lives."
It's striking that wasn't present in our marriage. It's something I'm going to embrace.
I guess he told a partial truth, what was most comfortable for him, that he was dating someone.. and not telling that he'd been involved with her for who knows how long during our marriage and was now living with her.
But you know what.. that doesn't matter.. and this is what I hate about telling about it.. because it takes away from me.
I don't know if I can do the DBing as described. My marriage feels like an empty husk, one that has been far emptier for far longer than I ever imagined.
He stayed for the family which is commendable.
The way he physically left was reprehensible with one lie crisscrossing over the other.
In the end, he's been gone for years.
The only thing I feel is the essence of joy and trust that brought us together... a beautiful memory.
I see him as a stranger, someone I don't know or would really want to with his current behavior.
While at the retreat, someone said.. You keep referring to him as your husband.
"Isn't he?" was my reply, "we aren't divorced."
"If he came to you on his hands and knees and begged you to take him back, would you?"
My first thought was that "Kevin" would never do that. The second was yes, I would accept him with conditions. The third was.. would I want to risk losing this joy and beauty that is within me to fall back into such a one sided relationship?
Like Henry Ford once said:
"If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right"
All this just annoys the living daylights out of me. I'm going through an angry thing about how "Kevin" unpeels his onion.. I don't know. I can't think of it from my perspective anymore, because it makes me a victim. The more I say "he he he" the less I embrace the choices I have.
I can feel anger from his actions, without the need to be spiteful and hurtful.
I don't have to keep killing that horse to know it just ain't gonna move.
I can embrace this wonderful sense that exudes from me, so full of joy and love of life.
I can let go of what I thought I had.
I don't need to understand who or what "Kevin" is now.
I can feel hurt, betrayed, denied, left out of the loop but not let those emotions control me.
I can turn to others..
Support is a comfort, not a weakness.
I can shred the need to overthink, over analyze, over do and just be in the moment.
If I fear something, I'll do it, address it. Isn't that what 180's are all about?
My first thought was that "Kevin" would never do that. The second was yes, I would accept him with conditions. The third was.. would I want to risk losing this joy and beauty that is within me to fall back into such a one sided relationship?
I don't know what to make of these feelings either. I fear (after the reality that your K and my H would not want to come back) that our R could never be good again. I don't see H changing. And I love my new changes and fear I would lose them if I 'settled' back into a life with H.
That being said, I still mourn our marriage, the time we have spent together. I hurt for my children who didn't ask for this.
In theory it would be a new marriage, where both folks had a better understanding of what it took to make something work. At least I know I'm learning lots of things I never thought about before.
The hardest thing about posting continuously is avoiding the feeling that I'm a victim. In a victim frame of mind, I'm powerless, everything is based on what "Kevin" does and how effects me. The more helpless I feel, the more I tend to listen to others.. which usually includes justification for lashing out. When that happens it usually hurts me in the long run, takes a toll on the kids and everything gets more unsettled because I'm reacting.
Actually, I think I'll go back to how I thought when I first came here. When I didn't know that "Kevin" had been in a relationship with someone else (ouch, that still hurts) for a while. When I didn't know what I know about him now.
He's on his journey. He can have all the time and space in the world.
His journey created my unwilling journey.
What have I learned, am learning?
If I think about what is good for me, I do very well. When I think about "Kevin", I get all annoyed and icky. So, once again, no more "Kevin" thought.
I will live a wholesome life with an emphasis on the good, on raising my children, on being involved in my health, well being and community. I will actively seek support as needed, whether it be through friends, health care, mental and physical well being or whatever works.
My life will be my own, my mistakes and failures my own, learning from both. I will acceptance who I am. I'll work on the weakness and build the strengths.
I will forgive myself when I screw up, tell my negative voice within that it can't talk to me that way anymore, be direct and stand tall.
I'll be me; sunshine, joy, laughter, warts and all.
