I just don't think well on my feet when she gets like that. In the past I've tended to adopt the "parental" tone and it's caused conflict, so I guess I was just trying to steer clear of that and get away from R talk. I do think she's a good person, just making bad choices.
She hasn't quite told me I deserve better than her, but that I deserve someone who can make me happy. Once again, it amazes me we all hear the same stuff!
No, I'm not really a religious person but prayers are appreciated!
Guys, there's nothing that says we can't go back to our spouses later and say "You know, I was thinking about something you said to me yesterday. You said _________ , and now that I've had time to think about it, I really feel that __________ ."
Never shelter an adulterer from the consequences of their adultery. If they're getting shunned at work, you can VALIDATE, and still not AGREE and even get in a truth dart:
"Honey, I'm sorry you had to hear that. That must have been painful. Unfortunately, it's one of the consequences of your decision to have an affair."
Not only CAN you do that, but you SHOULD do that. People engaged in irresponsible and even reckless behavior need to be reminded from time to time of what they are doing. You can't TEACH them when they're in this condition (addicted to another lover), but you can certain get in some TRUTH DARTS.
I'd suggest being prepared with a good response the next time you hear that, Lodo. I'm 100% certain you'll get another opportunity.
Thanks puppy, realized that where I used to prepare for her coming over, now I don't think much about it.
In my heart of hearts I still haven't accepted that this is over, though I have a serious question about whether it can be fixed and whether I want her back. I think that once she gets back in the house and starts coming home to be alone every night, it's really going to hit her what she's done. Will probably take a few months, but I think it'll happen. Of course I could be wrong, but that was the pattern 9 years ago - the longer she was alone and looking for connections with others, the more she began to miss me.
She mentioned the field work she has to do and didn't sound like she was looking forward to the extended period in the field this summer - this is the time she'll be with OM. I think that time is what is really going to be the determining factor. Either she'll have me as the good friend who's always been there for her to compare with him who ends up being not so good a friend, or it'll cement their R.
Couple of other things I remember from yesterday - she kept asking me what my family and friends thought of her. Major guilt is probably starting to sink in. Especially since she's pretty close to some of my friends.
Email from her this morning thanking me for talking, saying she really enjoyed hearing what I was doing, that it sounded like I was doing interested things that I was excited about, and that she hoped we could continue to be friends.
Couple of other things I remember from yesterday - she kept asking me what my family and friends thought of her. Major guilt is probably starting to sink in. Especially since she's pretty close to some of my friends.
Email from her this morning thanking me for talking, saying she really enjoyed hearing what I was doing, that it sounded like I was doing interested things that I was excited about, and that she hoped we could continue to be friends.
1) How did you answer her when she asked what your friends thought of her? I hope you would say "They think you're making a foolish decision," or "They feel bad for my pain," or "They don't know the details of our issues, but they ARE wondering why you wouldn't be willing to try to work on the marriage."
2) You and I seem very different, but I told my wife that "I have no intentions of being best friends with you if you end our marriage this way." If there is no infidelity involved, I do think parting couples can not only be civil, but be friends as well. But I don't know how one can keep their own personal integrity and remain friends with someone who ended their marriage by adultery.
1) How did you answer her when she asked what your friends thought of her? I hope you would say "They think you're making a foolish decision," or "They feel bad for my pain," or "They don't know the details of our issues, but they ARE wondering why you wouldn't be willing to try to work on the marriage."
I told her they didn't understand and were supportive of me. I haven't mentioned A except to close friends & family, so have been telling people she just wants to focus on her career and doesn't want to deal with a M/R.
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2) I told my wife that "I have no intentions of being best friends with you if you end our marriage this way." I don't know how one can keep their own personal integrity and remain friends with someone who ended their marriage by adultery.
I agree and I've told her this before - that friendship is as much a R as M; that when someone consistently treats me in a disrespectful fashion, or cruelly, there is no friendship; that since she'd been doing this, any kind of a friendship would have to be something new that developed farther down the road, but the effort would have to be hers since I've been bending over backwards to keep things pleasant yet have little to show for it.
At that time, she didn't say much, just acknowledged that she wasn't being very nice.
I think what's getting to her is when I stop paying attention to her. For the last month, since she chose OM and asked for D, we've had extremely minimal contact (though still more than others on the board experience). This past week I ran into her on a run and rather than join her, which is what I usually would do, I said good morning and kept going. So for those types of interactions to occur and then for her to get the chance to talk with me and enjoy the conversation makes me think she's missing things and wants to try and continue it by cake-eating. Which I will no longer allow.
So. There was no real reason to respond to her email other than to be polite. I could respond by just saying "thanks" or I could not respond at all, or I could respond with a "Just the facts" email re: other issues that need to be dealt with. The latter is what I was planning on doing.
Just saw your post. LOL, my W has said EXACTLY the same thing about coworkers (we are both at the same place, though in different departments) - says she thinks they're giving her the cold shoulder, won't make eye contact, etc.
I totally agree with you - I'm moving on in making my life a happy and productive one. The ball is totally in her court now; she'll have to make a major effort if she expects to have my friendship. I also have accepted that we'll D, though deep down I think we still have another melt-down coming. Above all else I need to prepare myself for that, because I can't just take her back when she starts crying.
Hey, just saw you're in Maine! I went sea-kayaking there for the first time last summer - Muscongus Bay. It was beautiful!
Hey, just saw you're in Maine! I went sea-kayaking there for the first time last summer - Muscongus Bay. It was beautiful!
Yea, kayaking is awesome just about anywhere on the coast and also in a lot of lakes around here. Great hikes and camping all over the place. Good skiing. But lots of bugs (black flies, ugh) in late spring / early summer. I have really come to love this place, even though I knew nothing about it when I first moved here. The motto of the state is "The way life should be." For the most part it is true.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
When W and I were sea-kayaking, our east-coast friend was telling us about the lobster gangs of Maine. A couple of times we saw buoys whose ropes had been cut and he said that was because someone had been moving in on someone else's lobster territory.
No, only commercial lobster fishing. But it would be pretty boring to do it yourself. Just drop a trap and check it in a few days. But I guess if you got one -- you got a great supper. Not a whole lot more expensive than a good steak in the summer. yumm.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
