Just a brief journal entry. Got off the phone with an old friend after discussing my sitch. Interestingly enough, he's the first person who's brought up the E word - empathy. Said he never mentioned anything before I married because I seemed so happy, but he'd always been concerned that W never seemed like she had empathy for anyone else. This has always been my biggest reservation about our R. It bothered me that W never seemed to connect with the idea that she should treat people the same way she expected to be treated, but whenever I mentioned it, I never felt like anyone else knew what I was talking about.
Without empathy, there's no real basis for anything else. This is why our R doesn't work when I slack. Do I want really want to work to save this?!
Lodo, that's a really interesting observation by your friend. I've often felt the exact same thing about Mrs. Puppy. She's incredibly self-centered; not in an obnoxious or rude way, but just really only thinks of things based on how they affect HER.
Yeah, without empathy it's kind of hard to connect with society. You're only focused on yourself and your own needs with no real appreciation for how those needs relate to the needs of others.
That's my wife in a nutshell. Though I think she battles with it.
Lodo, Are you and Puppy talking about Mrs Hope4Us? It's funny how the waywards continuiously think everyone else has the problems and they have done NOTHING wrong, including having an affair.
Makes me question Lodo, just like it has you, whether this is a person I really want to even make the effort at trying to save my marriage with.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Same here. Our last blow up, I told WW that in a million years, I never would have thought that she would do that to me. One of her responses was that she had told me she was unhappy a long time ago. Incredible how they can reason it in their foggy minds.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Oh heck, H4H. Don't pay any attention to that. My WW told me that she "was a broken, unhappy, bitter" woman until the affair started and that showed her how unhappy she was. Funny how NO ONE that knows her saw her misery. Cause it just wasn't there. It's a defense mechanism to justify the affair. You're spot on, it's fog babble. Don't pay attention to it.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
VERY much "script." A cheating spouse will make the decision to have an affair, oftentimes never having told their betrayed spouse of the depth of their unhappiness. THEN, when caught, they will go back and re-write the marital history, claiming to have been unhappy all along, often going so far as to say "well, it's really like we were separated, emotionally, so I don't really think it's even adultery."
I had Valentine's Day and Anniversary cards from my wife, three months and one month respectively before she started her affair, both of which included nice, long handwritten notes of genuine love and admiration for me. During her affair, of course, she said "it's been years since I felt that way about you." At one point, I actually said "Well that's funny, you gave me very nice Valentine's and anniversary cards this year, and even wrote very nice, I THOUGHT heartfelt, notes in them. Were you lying then, or are you lying now?"
She looked at me like I was speaking another language, stammered, and stormed out of the room.
Later, when reconciling, she admitted that the OM had "messed with her mind" and "it's like I was in a fog, or I was someone else or something."
I had a birthday card from my wife one month or so before her affair started that said "I love you very, very much". I asked her the same thing you did, "so were you lying when you said that in the card" and I got nothing more than a blank stare.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Wait a minute - are we all M to the same person?! I thought those very nice cards expressing undying love right before I was told "I've never been happy with you" were addressed to me, not puppy or hope!
The line my W has also been using is "I was really young when I met you." So ... that means you should have an affair 12 years later?
I had a birthday card from my wife one month or so before her affair started that said "I love you very, very much". I asked her the same thing you did, "so were you lying when you said that in the card" and I got nothing more than a blank stare.
It's because waywards "compartmentalize." Their affair, which usually goes against the grain of their base system of morality (well, HOPEFULLY it does, anyway, otherwise we married the wrong person!), gets "shut off" in this one compartment in their mind, and the rest of their lives -- being a mother or father, a friend, a sibling, a good employee, whatever -- is walled off on the other side of the partition. The two cannot exist at the same place and time without a total meltdown, so the adulterer will get very adept and moving back and forth between the two "rooms" as much as necessary to continue to carry on the charade. My wife described it as a "voice" inside her head, telling her that what she was doing was wrong, but she was able to silence the voice sufficiently to continue in the wayward behavior. As I increased the pressure (by various means), she said the voice got louder and louder and LOUDER until she finally had to confront it, because she couldn't shut it out any longer. It was then that she broke down in TRUE remorse, and beggged me to take her back.
