Dear Ping, I am glad to hear that and I have no doubt that you can step-up to do what needs to be done. Like you said, most people think everything is fine b/c their S stops saying anything and seems all is behind them, so it is a shock when they are hit with the "bomb". But Ping, there are a lot of success stories. Those on the board that think that there aren't any is partly due to the fact that most move on with their lives after the M is healed and eventually stop posting. One of the main persons that helped me stuck around for a long time after her H came back and they pieced their M together again. She wanted to help folks like us that are here, but she hasn't had a thread in a long time and I don't see her posting to others, so she is involved with her family. There are others, too, that have healed R and have left the board. Someday, your M will be healed and for a while I hope you will hang around to help those that are new to the board reaching out for advice. You will be able to look back at what you have learned and help others.
Don't give up Ping. You will slip from time to time....we all do, just don't quit. Stay strong and determined.
You take care of Ping! Okay? We care about you and your family making a success story.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ping, Hi. I have been following your situation. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you need to revisit one issue.
I think there is a big possibility of another man being in the picture. It is extremely rare in these situations that there isn't. Please don't put your head in the sand on this issue.
Do some more digging. Your situation is pointing to that in every direction. You need to find this out by doing some investigation work.
I know how hard this is to hear, but I have not seen any other poster encourage you to look into this possibility deeper. It is one of the most common patterns with a wayward spouse there is.
Thanks again Sandi, I really appreciate your input and I too hope that all will work out in my sitch. I have often wondered why there are not too many success stories on these boards but like you I have thought they probably are working on their R and have quit posting.
Hi gucci loafer, thanks for stopping by my thread. On your comment about other man, I can tell you that for the first time since I have been on these boards I visited the forum on this board about OP in R just yesterday to try and see if I am not seeing this for myself.
My W and I were actually junior high sweethearts, I was 15 and she 13 when we first started dating. Actually next Friday, 4-18 will make 22 years of our first date together which was a junior high school dance. My wife has never been with any other M than myself. We dated all through school and were married back in 93. During our M I have never suspected another person. Even to this day I don't suspect another person although just this week I have been trying to open my eyes more to see.
I pay our cell phone bill so I see all of the calls she places as she does mine since the bill goes to her house and it is always open when I get it. I only have my kids every other weekend which does not leave her anytime in my opinion to be with someone else. I have the boys this weekend and after youngest S and I went out to eat we went by W's house to get their clothes, we didn't leave until around 8:00, she may have left to go out after that but I don't think so.
The bad thing is that almost every post I have read on this board points to OP, I am not going to just dismiss this, I will try and look further although I really feel she is not with OM. She states she is just so worn out and tired from trying to make our M work and I never did any trying, it was always her. I'm not sure if she will ever get untired of working at it but I am hoping she does.
I hope that I don't find out you are correct because that would change this whole sitch. I will post that info. if it does come out.
Ok. Good job. What about someone she works with? What about an internet contact she is corresponding with? What has she been up to on her weekend without the kids? Do you think she is just sitting home by herself all weekend?
Keep digging. If she doesn't have a crush on another man, then you are in much better shape than if she does. You need to be like a private investigator until you know for sure. Explore all possibilities.
I am not trying to make you feel bad, but a woman almost NEVER leaves a man unless they have interest in another man. It is like seeing the same movie over and over.
I also agree with what Sandi has been telling you. You are hurting your situation badly every single time you bring up a relationship talk. You are underestimating the damage you are doing. It puts you back at square one. Stop it. Don't make any more excuses. This should be your first and primary objective when around her right now. Lighten up around her and show her that you are a happy person. People like to be around happy people. You don't have to over do it, but show consistency in your actions. She is feeling pressured. It is hard for someone to commit to another person when they feel pressured to commit. It is much easier for them when they do it on their own without pressure. Make this a top priority. Set a small goal to start with of say... 2 weeks with no relationship talks. Small goals that are reachable make it easier to reach big goals.
It sounds like your wife views you somewhat as another child to deal with. That is a huge turnoff to a woman. A woman wants a man she can depend on and one who is emotionally strong, but sensitive to HER feelings. Don't point out your changes to her verbally. She WILL notice changes in you if you stay consistent and nice to her. Don't make this more complicated than it really is.
Hi GL, most of the time on weekends she doesn't have the kids she doesn't really do much of anything, this weekend we were at the ballfields all day yesterday until about 6:30 last night, her mother and mother's BF were at the house and they went out to dinner. She was back home after that. Friday night she was at home by herself. She will sometimes go out with friends to dinner and a movie but as far as I know that is it. As far as work goes, we both work for the same company so if there was anyone she was seeing at work I believe I would know about it. She is not into computers, as that was one of her gripes with me because I was constantly on them so I don't see her emailing others, she just doesn't do it. Her weekdays are work until 5:00 and then off to get the boys and to ball practice, then home which is normally around 9:00 and off to bed. I just don't see there being another man.
Her issues with me are I was a controlling individual and nothing seemed to make me happy. I did not put any effort into our M as I thought we were OK as many others here. We seemed to argue alot and I was a verbal abuser with a lot of put downs to her for no reason at all. She had just had enough of it.
What is currently making this easier for W is she has the kids all but every other weekend, she is still in our house, I am paying the house payment, not a whole lot has changed in her mind except the fact that she no longer has to walk on egg shells without me being there which is what she likes. At first I was getting alot of mixed feelings with her, she didn't know which way she wanted to go with our M, now it appears she is set on ending it as she no longer brings up things she was in the past, she would bring up things about what we needed to do to the house and vacations with the kids but that has been a few months back and I haven't heard anymore on those types of things from her. Of course when she would bring these things up I would provoke R talks and would ask her how she could talk about the future if she doesn't want me in them.
Sorry for the long post, it just appears things have gone from where I did have more hope in the beginning to not having a lot of hope where we are today.
I have a question for the readers of my thread, my W and are only 3 miles apart and we have ball practice with our kids quite a few days a week. Is it wise for me to initiate either letting them ride with me or that I ride with them to these practices. I can tell that some days W doesn't seem to mind and other days I can see she is irritated with it. Does this come across of persuing? I have not initiated R talks during these rides and practices but I'm sure she is wondering when the next one will be. Please advise.
Ping, The "wise" thing is for you to understand what she has been trying to tell you about YOU. She doesn't see you as responsible and firm with the kids. She thinks SHE is the disciplinarian and you as the easy going "other child". She doesn't view your relationship with her as a "team". She feels she makes all of the adult decisions regarding the kids and that you just go with the flow. That is extremely hard on a woman to have kids to juggle and worry about, along with worrying about her husband because he can't take care of himself. (you mentioned she said you can't take care of yourself early on in this thread)
I also have to agree with her for a couple of reasons on this issue...
1) You still ALLOW her to do your laundry. 2) You handled the wearing jeans to the game instead of shorts issue wrongly with her.
Your question may be what is wrong with allowing her to do my laundry when I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment?
The answer is NOTHING if you want her to continue to take care of you like another child. However, I think it would be wise to find another way to get your laundry done. How about taking it to the laundry mat and doing it yourself? This is what a mature person would be doing. You are only adding extra WORK on the woman you say you love so much. Do you think she LIKES doing your laundry at this point?
Regarding the jeans issue...... What would have been "wise" is to take HER side of that issue and show your son that you and your wife are the "leaders" of the team. Kids feel more secure when mom and dad are a unit.
After you realized that she was upset that he wore shorts instead of jeans, as is your nature, you wanted CONTROL of who was right or who was wrong or_________ (fill in the blank)
Now.. IF you would have wanted to make some HEADWAY with your wife and score a couple of points for yourself in the meantime you could have done something like this....
" Wife, you are right. I wasn't thinking again and I didn't realize you wanted him to wear jeans. I'm sorry. I AM going to go over to his friends house right away and take him a pair of shorts. I will do it right now."
And then done exactly that... This would have shown her that you are not another child in her eyes, but that you are going to start thinking like an adult. (who CARES if you are right or she is right about whether he wears shorts or not?) She needs to start FEELING like you take her thoughts into consideration and that you are flexible enough to admit you are wrong and that it is no big deal to admit you are wrong. AND then handling it YOURSELF instead of allowing her to handle it..
Now in answer to your question... Make YOUR OWN arrangements to take the kids to the ballgames. It is fine to ask her to go with you, but if she tells you she is taking them, then it is NOT WISE to ask to go with them. Just act like a mature man and make your own arrangements to get to the game.
I hope you can understand what I am telling you. I really believe she would be much more attracted to you if you started to be more pro-active in your own decison making and more "team" oriented regarding the kids. It is ok to let her know that she is right about you being too easy going with the kids and she feels she is the disciplinarian all the time. NO parent likes to feel like the disciplinarian all the time. It is better once in a while for DAD to be tough on them. You will probably be surprised that when you get tougher on them, that she will take more of a role you have been playing...
