Thanks GL, you have a way of putting things that make much more sense than I can think of them. I like your analogy you put forth.
W must really hold me hostage for our kids, this weekend I had them and my S7 said he wanted to go to Disney World this year, I sent an email to W of when they would start back school at the end of the summer as I want to plan a trip with the kids. She replied with when they would be starting back, then I told her what I was planning. Her comments were, "do you think you can keep up with both of them there, it is a busy place, also it bothers me that after I told you not to let them walk to there friends house in the neighborhood you still let them." I am having a tough time with this, there friend lives less than a 5 minute walk. Do I just say the heck with it or honor what she is wanting. I know your going to tell me to honor what she is saying but I have to tell you I just don't believe in this. Go ahead, let me have it.
Also, we have an anniversary coming up on Friday, it's actually the anniversary of when we first started dating 22 years ago, I have always treated this like a second anniversary date for us. Do I send flowers or anything like that? I am not sure of what the right approach would be on this issue, part of me wants to send flowers and another part of me just says let it go. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
For the anniversary I always suggest that you have a card or something "unromantic" on hand in case your W acknowledges the occasion but do not give it to her unless she gives you something.
As for the kids and the walking 5 minutes.. I know that I am also an overprotective parent so I wouldn't like that either. Actually, and not to be over the top or anything, but a couple of years ago in the metropolis I live in there was a young girl by the name of Holly Jones that walked her friend home from her house and was abducted on her short 3-5 minute walk back home.. so you can never be too cautious when it comes to that kind of thing. Just my $0.02.
I think it was your sitch (although I have a few that I try to keep up on) where right from the beginning of your posting your W had been making comments about all of you going to Disney World as a family even though you and she wouldn't be together.. Am I right that this was your case? It sounds to me like she is paving the way to have herself invited and hopefully paid for by commenting that you can't handle both children on your own. I would not respond to her at all with regards to her comments on Disney World.
Well, considering I still use my father's bull's eye putter- I totally understand. I have about 5 that I switch between. I even have the ole "belly" putter.... but being on 5.4.. it's more like a chin for me! We've cut it down about as much as we can.
M: 39 H: 40 D: 12 S: 9 Married: 10 years Together: 11 years Dday- March 14th, 2008 Bomb-I don't love you-Easter 2008
Currently-living in same home, slowly working back towards a marriage.
Do I just say the heck with it or honor what she is wanting. I know your going to tell me to honor what she is saying but I have to tell you I just don't believe in this. Go ahead, let me have it.
I think you have to choose your battles and slay your own beasts, and in this case you'll just have to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker for you. Are you so committed to this belief that you will not budge, and will be okay with divorcing based on this alone (obviously there is more than just this going on, but if you're so adamant about having it your way regarding this sitch, then it warrants the question I'm asking)?
You've said you're a controlling person and were one in the M -- just wanted to remind you of that so you can reflect on this situation with that in mind. On the flip side of that coin, it's okay not to compromise on things that you have very strong beliefs in and that will cause you to sacrifice who you are and what you are about at your very core. Is this one of those beliefs?
ping, my S is 11 and only this year have I felt comfortable enough to have him walk to school on his own. I can sympathize with your W on this one. Is it really worth creating an issue with your W when she's thinking about the kids' safety? She's being cautious not necessarily overprotective. Maybe in a few months, next school year she may feel more comfortable with the kids walking on their own to school/friend's place. As far as the anniversary, since you are separated, definitely not flowers. Like W2G suggested, a card that's not necessarily romantic. Only give it to her if she acknowledges the anniversary first. Our wedding anniversary occurred during our S and neither one of us brought it up.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Ping, I'm suggesting you let the walking battle go. That's one your not going to win. Mother's have it in their mind from the get go that their sons, when they reach certain ages are allowed to do certain things. In her mind she has set an age when they will be allowed to walk to school on their own and do other things.
I know it's hard and you may not think it's the right thing to do but I would unite with her on this. I would show her that I understood and am willing to be a team with her and support the decision to not let them walk from school..etc..
I told you in an earlier post..mother's and their sons. Is this such a big problem that you may be willing to risk a backslide? I personally think you have been doing pretty good in your sitch.
In my sitch that's been a positive for me. My D2, when she acts up, even though my W and I are having problems we are united in what we are trying to teach our daughter and we support each other when dealing with our D.
This is a great opportunity for you to take advantage of the things I explained to you a few days ago about showing your wife that you understand her feelings and to show her "team" and spirit and unity as a couple. Obviously she worries about something happening to the kids walking alone. Allow her to worry. It is ok if she is worried. It is highly important that you show her that you not only understand her feelings, but assure her that her feelings are safe with you. I know you want to argue it is only a 5 minute walk, but arguing your point is what got you here. I would try another approach. HERS.
I think you would be very wise to tell her something like this... "Mrs. Ping, you are right (shows agreement with her feelings) you did tell me not to let them walk to their friends house and I apologize. I won't let it happen again".. THAT is all you say. Then drop it. Don't bring it up again. Then YOU tell the kids what you and their mom has decided. It isn't up for negotiation with the kids.
Stand firm on this WITH her. The interesting thing is that once you stand on her side of this issue, you may start to see her change her tune on that issue. Instead of the kids driving a wedge between you, you have now shown a united front to them. (which kids respect years later)
Your other option is to argue your thoughts on the issue and keep your wife in the state of mind that got her to this point. Remember.. She FEELS like the only parent on discipline with the kids. Get on your wife and childhood sweethearts side of these small issues. It is called being a supportive husband. She will give you an opening down the road on this very issue after the kids start nagging HER to let them walk. She will then want to take on the role of the "nice" parent for awhile. When she does that, then you can "give the kids YOUR permission to walk" as a UNITED COUPLE...
As far as Disney World goes...... "Mrs. Ping... Yes I agree Disney World is a busy place and the kids may be a handful. I would love to take them, but I admit that I have been lax on the discipline side with them and ALLOWED you to be the one who ALWAYS (just say always even if it isn't actually "always") does while I haven't. I would love to take them and promise to watch them like a hawk. However if you don't feel comfortable with me taking them, then I do understand and will find something else for me to do with them. (decisive and flexible person that you are LOL) Then end the email pleasantly and don't bring it up again. If she says no, then if it was ME, I wouldn't go. Again, you can take this into an argument if you wish, but I don't believe that has gotten you much progress. She will be expecting you to argue and whine and complain to get your way. Surprise her. You may again find that she will soften her stance with this approach. Maybe she won't. Time will tell, but I have seen it happen quite often.
Anniversary card? YES. Mushy... NO... (Run the card you get her on here if you have the guts and I can give you an idea if you are heading down the "pressure or pleading" path with it.) I would put a little note in it that says something like this..
Just to let you know, I have heard you and what you have been trying to tell me for a long time. I am very sorry for my failures as a husband and father to such a giving, thoughtful woman. Signed... Ping
Then don't mention it again and go golfing or find another club to buy and hold tight..... Let her chew on that for awhile Ping... LOL...
I wanted to add that if you tell the kids they can't walk to their friends house, that you DO NOT tell them anything such as.... "Your mom doesn't.. or your mom won't... or your mom.. DO NOT GO THAT ROUTE. Use I have decided or We have decided or Your mom and I have decided... You gave a very telling clue to your situation when you told us that the kids "whisper in your ear" things they would like to say to their mother when she gets mad. BIG NO NO... You should be telling the kids don't talk about your mother like that, she loves you.. or something like that. That is a very weak position to take for you and believe me.. SHE SEES it and notices that you and the kids do that behind her back. Not good..
Also.. I know you would like to rush ahead here, but remember that right now you need to focus on the basics..
Grip, stance, alignment.. Which means in relationship terms... Learn to act and be happy and enjoy life, keep your grip light (no pressure or relationship talks) pursue your own interests and enjoy them and be emotionally strong around your wife.
When you start to go wrong.. As in golf.. Go back to the basics.. Grip, stance and alignment... Too much information to digest sometimes will confuse you, just as it does when trying to work on your golf swing. One thing at a time works much better until it becomes a habit you don't have to think about....
Hi W2G, that was not me about Disney World, I remember reading that thread also but not me. Thanks for your input on the kids, I am going to let this rest and honor her wishes.
