I know I'm not cornering the market - was just feeling down. Better today. My comment about dating was meant tongue-in-cheek; I know I can't start dating yet.
Hey Lodo, Isn't it amazing how we can find strength and try to help others while we can feel so weak and get so down on ourselves? I have to keep repeating to myself, "You can go on. You can get through this. You may be close to reconciling and not even realize it. If not, then making myself a better person all around." I keep thinking of the story of the blind swimmer who wanted to swim the English Channel years and years ago. She prepared for the swim and had family members follow closely in a small boat next to her to help navigate before modern technology. The weather was terrible and foggy and she swam for hours and felt like it would not end. Her family informed her that could not see far enough to see land and were unsure of where they were. She gave up and later found out that she was only a few miles from her destination. Don't remember where I read this story, but I always think of it when I am in my fog.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Thanks for your thoughts - it is amazing that we can offer help when we can't see our own sitch clearly. I appreciate you reminding me of that.
Just updating. I'm facing an even more touch decision re: the house. W is unable to assume loan by herself. Her father agreed to cosign a loan, but the mortgage broker said this is a terrible time to refinance and suggested we have an agreement where I'm taken off the title but she assumes all responsibility for loan and agrees to refinance within certain time period.
Thoughts?
Of course my conversation with her was fine. She asked again if I ran - 3rd time, why does she keep asking? Why am I trying to analyze everything she says? Anyway, I acted cheerful and got out fast. Have class tonight - not looking forward to a 10pm bike ride home.
About the loan, are you giving the house to her? You don't want any of the equity when/if the house sells or she does refinance? Check with a professional, but I am pretty sure that even if your name isn't on something, the debt/responsibility continues to be yours as long as you were married. I would talk to a financial advisor or an atty more about this before you agree to do anything. Its funny, but I trust my H with our finances, but I still try to find the 'legal' answers...
Sorry, didn't explain. She & parents are paying me a fair price for my stake in the house. I know with my name on the mortgage, the debt continues to be mine, though she and her family are fairly well off. I will talk to a financial adviser and atty - just wondered if anyone had opinions. The way she made it sound seemed acceptable to me, though i don't really get anything out of it other than not having to deal with selling the house. I don't know - maybe I'll push back a little and see what she does. But if there is a legal document requiring her to refinance and get my name of the mortgage within a certain time period, that seems okay to me. I might require her father be part of the agreement as guarantor.
Even though I'm still analyzing our conversations, I feel myself continuing to let go - not as interested in her as I have been. Thank god - is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Just updating. Feeling frustrated. I know I'm not saying anything new that gForce or KerryK or Hopeful or WCW or Starshyne or any of the others haven't already said a million times. But I still have to say it.
Here I am finally giving up. I'm dropping the rope, letting WAW know she is free to figure out her life, and as I start detaching, she starts contacting me more often. Wanting to know my opinion, asking what I'm doing, whatever - but she's making contact. And I'm now at the point where I'm not sure I want it. Honestly, if she asked to reconcile tomorrow, I don't know if I could say yes.
I don't think there's a question here, or need for feedback. I'm just making a realization for myself, and that realization is that I deserve better. Which really means seeking a R with someone new.
What I have realized for myself is that detaching and "dropping the rope" wasn't giving up completely, though it felt that way when I stopped pursuing W/M and stopped gauging my actions on W's reactions to them. It was simply changing my focus. And you know what? My interactions with W improved. Even though you may not have a lot of interest in continuing the roller coaster ride, keep an open heart and open mind. You never know how things might evolve.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Nothing happened. Just tired of the sleeve-tugging. I think W really wants my friendship, but doesn't seem to grasp that you can't just go from being in a 12 year relationship to being friends. She wants to talk, asks me to proof proposals, sends me emails re: things she thinks I'd be interested in, then she retreats and acts cold to me and pushes for D.
I agree that detaching does not equal giving up, but I'm seriously reconsidering my interest in trying to be patient in order to save this M. She is only focusing on herself, she had an affair, she isn't willing to address her own issues, she has no remorse, and she thinks I'm not her equal because I don't do the same thing as her. And rather than talk about any of this, she ran from it, literally. I recognize I brought problems to the M, but I'm trying to address them. How can I make things work with a W who runs? I'm not going to blame myself for her problems.
Anyway, party tonight that we were both at. Things were fine, but she acted out-of-sync several times. I think me being there and enjoying myself with new friends threw her off balance. Whereas I've been feeling like there's another melt-down in the future, due to the fact that she's not addressing issues and we still are relaxed and share a friendship, now I'm not so sure. She really acts like she made up her mind and that's the end of the story.
So once more I recognize that letting go is a good thing. And giving up might be a good thing as well. Even if we were to reconcile, she'll never put energy into the R the way most people do - she's selfish. Why should I waste myself on that? Hate to be cynical, but that's the space I'm in right now.
Going on a way early morning hike tomorrow to greet the sun.
lodo, been there done that. 10 years ago I was married with my 1st wife. We moved together in US from Europe, here she met a surfer and left with him. At least we didn't have any kids. I begged, pleaded, etc. but she didn't stop seeing OM. For my birthday she said she wanted to spend it with me, I said she could come with me to see a museum I wanted to visit. She said she wanted to spend my birthday with me BUT I should pick a different place. That was it I said bye and went to the museum. The day after I filed for divorce. I was done with her, I didn't want to see her again. Boy did she try to go back with me, then SHE was the one begging, but I was done with the R and I soon started dating my current (ex)wife. It felt very good to date somebody right away, my confidence went up and I must say was one of my happiest moments.... but... if my mind was clearer I would have seen the few odds things that made the 2 women very similar in many ways, it is creepy. Now I'm going through a divorce again, and this time is MUCH worse with 2 kids etc. This time, before dating again, I am going to be very sure of what I am doing.... instead I want to work a lot to have more friends.... for a change
Just updating. Feeling frustrated. I know I'm not saying anything new that gForce or KerryK or Hopeful or WCW or Starshyne or any of the others haven't already said a million times. But I still have to say it.
Here I am finally giving up. I'm dropping the rope, letting WAW know she is free to figure out her life, and as I start detaching, she starts contacting me more often. Wanting to know my opinion, asking what I'm doing, whatever - but she's making contact. And I'm now at the point where I'm not sure I want it. Honestly, if she asked to reconcile tomorrow, I don't know if I could say yes.
I don't think there's a question here, or need for feedback. I'm just making a realization for myself, and that realization is that I deserve better. Which really means seeking a R with someone new.
Confused, but, as GFI says, onward - lodo
This is right where I'm at lodo. Been thinking quite a bit lately and have come to quite a few realizations that put me in the same frame of mind as you. I'm done putting in the effort. My WW wants her "freedom", so be it. And it's just like life repeating itself. Her mom did the exact same thing and now is a lonely old woman who rarely see's her kids because all but one has moved away. See's her grandkids even less because her idea of love is BUY them stuff. Maybe WW can move in with MIL and they can be miserable together.
I guess I plan on detaching even more. If she wants to reconcile, she's going to have to be the one to do the work. I'm done. Sounds like you're in the same place as me. And it's not too bad of a place to be, is it?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
