Arthur, Thanks. I would like to help you if I could. I have read up on your situation. Your advice would be somewhat different than Ping's advice, but in some respects they would be the same...
I'm not sure you would be able to hear, handle or take my advice on your situation because I think you would be scared it may backfire. Your wife IS having an affair. That is clear. You NEED to snoop until you get the facts. A person can't make wise decisons without all the facts. Once you get the facts, then the snooping should stop. Until then, get all the facts you can so that YOU can make an intelligent decision based on those facts..
From what I see with your situation, I would encourage a different approach from Ping. My belief is that I don't think a man is wise to let his wife have her cake while he thinks he is fighing to get her back. That is the position I will take if you want me to help you.
Let me know what happens. First thing is you need to do the "snooping" to find out what really is going on. I am sure she is interested in another guy. YOU need to be sure. DO NOT ask her. She will lie and blame you.
In the meantime...
Stance, grip and alignment.
Work on being happy. Pursue your own interests and hobbies.
Start there and let me know what you find out. I think you already know. You have to be able to be honest with yourself. I know it is a shock to think the woman you love has another man, but the sooner you admit it is true, the faster and better you can deal with what you have to do to save the relationship...
Today was a pretty good day. Picked kids up from school and got there homework done before S7 had baseball game. My W met us at the park, I could tell she acted a little distant today, not sure why but I may have some type of idea. W came by my house to bring S7's baseball uniform as she was going to grocery store and meeting us at the park. Up until now, I have been using her vaccum clean as I have not bought one yet, well I bought one yesterday and had the box sitting in the living room where she came into to see the boys as they were watching tv. She didn't mention this to me but I have to wonder if this is why she acted the way she did. I am trying my best to seperate and not depend on her, things I have been doing up until this week I have worked hard to change, ex: vaccuum cleaner, hair cut, not asking for rides to ballpark, telling her I will take care of next weekend with her being gone and being more active at the park with others and in a happier mood.
We did have some good interaction tonight at the field, S7 is just funny to watch because he can't stand still and he is just a rocking back and forth to keep himself busy. We had a few laughs over this.
I also asked another mother who's sons play on both of my sons teams if she would be willing to give me a hand next weekend if I needed her since W will be out of town. I'm sure W thought I would retract from this but the other mother said she would help and my W got involved and told her it would be a huge help for us.
While I was typing this W called and left a message "my phone didn't ring for some reason" to call her, we have a problem. Well it turns out my S7 left his book here today and was afraid he would get in trouble tomorrow, I told her I would run it right over, she just hung up, again, I believe she is in one of those moods today. I ran book over and she acted much better, even told me to have a good night in a way that was not just saying that because it was the right thing to do. She may have already read the card I left her by this time, I don't know. I didn't mention it nor will I. She didn't either so we will let it be.
Well that is my day for interaction with W. To sum it up, she was not in a jolly mood but we still had laughs and she told me to have a good night. I will not see her tomorrow, but will on Saturday and Sunday as S10 has games this weekend.
I really appreciate everyone's advice on my thread, you are really helping me out.
GL, I took your advice on the anniversary card and only put in it what you told me I should. Didn't sign it with ILY, only my name. Thank you for all of your insight on this, you really know your stuff, please stick around my thread and keep pointing me what I need to be doing. Sometimes I am a slow learner but once I catch on I run with the flow. Just like getting on a birdie run on the course.
Today was a pretty good day. Picked kids up from school and got there homework done before S7 had baseball game. My W met us at the park, I could tell she acted a little distant today, not sure why but I may have some type of idea. W came by my house to bring S7's baseball uniform as she was going to grocery store and meeting us at the park. Up until now, I have been using her vaccum clean as I have not bought one yet, well I bought one yesterday and had the box sitting in the living room where she came into to see the boys as they were watching tv. She didn't mention this to me but I have to wonder if this is why she acted the way she did. I am trying my best to seperate and not depend on her, things I have been doing up until this week I have worked hard to change, ex: vaccuum cleaner, hair cut, not asking for rides to ballpark, telling her I will take care of next weekend with her being gone and being more active at the park with others and in a happier mood.
We did have some good interaction tonight at the field, S7 is just funny to watch because he can't stand still and he is just a rocking back and forth to keep himself busy. We had a few laughs over this.
I also asked another mother who's sons play on both of my sons teams if she would be willing to give me a hand next weekend if I needed her since W will be out of town. I'm sure W thought I would retract from this but the other mother said she would help and my W got involved and told her it would be a huge help for us.
While I was typing this W called and left a message "my phone didn't ring for some reason" to call her, we have a problem. Well it turns out my S7 left his book here today and was afraid he would get in trouble tomorrow, I told her I would run it right over, she just hung up, again, I believe she is in one of those moods today. I ran book over and she acted much better, even told me to have a good night in a way that was not just saying that because it was the right thing to do. She may have already read the card I left her by this time, I don't know. I didn't mention it nor will I. She didn't either so we will let it be.
Well that is my day for interaction with W. To sum it up, she was not in a jolly mood but we still had laughs and she told me to have a good night. I will not see her tomorrow, but will on Saturday and Sunday as S10 has games this weekend.
I really appreciate everyone's advice on my thread, you are really helping me out.
GL, I took your advice on the anniversary card and only put in it what you told me I should. Didn't sign it with ILY, only my name. Thank you for all of your insight on this, you really know your stuff, please stick around my thread and keep pointing me what I need to be doing. Sometimes I am a slow learner but once I catch on I run with the flow. Just like getting on a birdie run on the course.
Good deal Ping. The mood she is in may mean that she read the card and she now has some doubt in her mind?? She may be slightly miffed because you are putting doubt in her mind because of the changes you are making. Your doing good man.
GL coming out of nowhere-to your thread--that's a gift. Use this gift wisely. He is giving you great advice. Stick to your plan.
Ping, Good thinking on the vacuum cleaner, good thinking on asking one of the other moms to help you. Mrs. Ping seems to worry about the kids quite a bit. What you did looked liked it was comforting to her. She will probably worry about the kids anyway, while she is at the beach, but this is fairly typical of mothers. Don't take it personally, but make sure you error on the side of over protection next weekend and not on the other side. The other mom may report back to your wife if they get a chance to talk, so beware that you are being watched.
Also keep in mind that you allow your wife to have "moods." It may have something to do with you, or maybe it doesn't. Rest assured if you are going to be with ANY woman, you better be prepared for her having "moods." Just ask about any man on the planet and they will tell you that the woman in their life has moods, and can change from one minute to the next, let alone one day to the next. This is again an opportunity to show that YOU are the "stronger" one emotionally. YOU STAY EMOTIONALLY consist ent and strong. She needs this from you. It is OK to say to her,"is something bothering you Mrs. Ping?". HOWEVER, you need to say it and approach this in a manner that she senses that you are asking because you NOTICE and are in tune with her as a team, and not in a way that displays any type of weakness on your part.
She may want to vent about her day. She may have a lot on her mind about work. Don't read her mind and don't try to read her mind when she is in one of those moods. Just ask her if everything is ok or is there something wrong Mrs. Ping and let her answer you. (You are the wise and emotionally strong husband)
If she says to you ...."no, why do you ask?"... You say something like... "I thought you seemed like something was bothering you."
Then LET HER RESPOND.... She may say..."no, nothing is wrong"..
Ping: "Oh, ok"...; Then POLITELY change the subject. Don't pester her about it, don't nag her, don't act hurt,........ Just go on to the next shot. One shot at a time. The last shot is over and a good golfer can't be great if he is worrying about the last shot, when he already has another shot in front of him. You ARE the strong one emotionally. Women LIKE emotionally strong men. A man who has the attitude of..." don't worry honey, I WILL handle it. I am a big boy."... It's your responsibility if you love her to take off some of the everyday worry from her by taking on this worry for her by knowing what things to do that help her out....
Good job..
One thing you could have done better to put in your memory bank...
YOU make sure the kids have all their books, clothes, toys, or whatever else they need when they leave your place. Take charge here and show your boys how to be responsible for themselves. You need a game plan here. You may have to start out with them by doing the old... " Boy 1, do you have all your books you brought, do you have your mit, do you have your coat with you? ETC... Get organized and be observant of what they have when they come and what they have when they leave. This could have been the reason that she was upset. She is AGAIN having to be the one who makes sure they have all their things and of course they came home and "forgot" something AGAIN. and DAD didn't notice..... (this irritates an organized person when they are with someone who can't keep track or loses things constantly)
What if your caddy told you he forgot your driver and you were just on the 1st tee and it was a par 5? Get my drift?
Overall.. You are moving up the leader board... Keep it up.
Grip, stance, alignment... (happy, upbeat, mature) Life is good.... "I can handle it honey".....
I hear you loud and clear GL, she very well could have been mad about me not having the book in his bookbag. I will learn from this mistake.
No contact with W today, I will see her tomorrow at sons game, I have to pick S10 up from her house at 9:00 in the morning as she will carry S7 to his practice and then meet us at the other ballfield later as S10 has two games tomorrow.
I have to say that I feel more at ease with myself than I have during this whole process. I really don't mind that I didn't have any contact with W today. I don't know if this means that I am detaching or that I am seeing that I really can do things without relying on someone else, don't get me wrong, I am doing all I can do to save our R but things seem to be going better now. I believe it is because of what direction you have me led in.
One thing I would like some input on, my W thought I was not happy with her, the kids and everything around our family. With me being happy now, will this put in her mind that she will think that what she was telling me was right and that I am better off without them in my everyday life. I was thinking about this today. I know I have to be a better person and show her the person I use to be at one point in time but I also don't want to run her further away. What do you think? I am putting too much thinking into this?
Ping, I think that your wife is seeing what she really wants. I think she wants a happy man. I think she will find that attractive. I think, if she thinks that you have been unhappy and she has been doing all the work and you are now showing her that your happy and that doing things with/for your kids and her then I think that's going to make her see you in a very good light.
Your like me, we think to damn much, we are too analytical..As GL would say...."we are not swinging freely, we are clouding our minds with too many thoughts instead of just swinging the club"
I have analyzed, worried and about drove the guy in my office halfway crazy trying to figure out what my W is thinking and doing..she has sent me so many mixed signals that I'm half crazy.
Your doing good brother. I am so proud of you..You keep up what your doing and don't backslide.
Ping, Thanks for stopping by and checking on me! That was nice of you and always appreciated! My coaching session went well. I am going to continue to lay low, and see where that takes me. She said if i didn't hear from him in a few more weeks, perhaps I should call him at that point, like on a friday night after work, and say hey would you want to grab a beer after work, if he says no, I can say that is ok, I'm still going to go. And leave it at that. No more, no less....just friends with no strings attatched.
As for your sitch, I think women in general, or at least in my case, I really started to second guess my decisions when I started hearing my H was moving on. When he stopped calling/texting all the time and I time to really think and start to wonder what he was up to, and then the first time I saw him, and I seen that he was happy without me...WOW what an eye opening day. It's hard to have reality smack you in the face, and man does it sting for a while. So IMHO, I think her seeing you as a happier man, can do nothing but help your sitch!
Hope you have a good weekend. Enjoy your S's ballgame christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
One thing I would like some input on, my W thought I was not happy with her, the kids and everything around our family. With me being happy now, will this put in her mind that she will think that what she was telling me was right and that I am better off without them in my everyday life. I was thinking about this today. I know I have to be a better person and show her the person I use to be at one point in time but I also don't want to run her further away. What do you think? I am putting too much thinking into this?
She WAS right. You were "acting" unhappy. I am sure you were not always unhappy, but we have to understand that she "viewed" you as unhappy from her eyes.
Secondly, you are never going to be happy every moment of every day for the rest of your life. You are going to have some setbacks. If your wife doesn't come back to you, then don't you want to be a happy person in the future for YOURSELF? I hope that answer is yes. What I am leading you to do is as much for you as it is for her. Let's not focus on your opponent so much. Play your game. Why do you think Tiger intimidates so many that he plays against. They focus too much on him and not on playing their own game. That is why Jack Niclaus was so good. He let others beat themselves and he just stuck to his game plan and used excellent course management.
Just stick to the game plan here for now. We can change the game plan to fit the situation as things progress. Right now you are on the right track. Keep focus on the things you have done this week. You are in the process of earning her respect back. Keep it up. She is secretly going back and forth in her mind about this. "Should I?, Shouldn't I, We have been together a long time, he is my high school sweethear, he is trying, but I don't FEEL (notice the word FEEL here) like I am "in" love with him."
We need to help her change her feelings. The way we can help her to change her feelings is to get her to start making different self talk.
Ping, she WILL bring up a talk of some kind about the relationship down the road here. I am preparing you for that talk because it will be crucial what you say when she brings up a talk. It IS going to happen. It is much more effective when THEY bring it up because it was their idea. You have to wait this out until that time. When she does we want you to be prepared with your "little speech" to her. We want it to be short, and to the point. It will have to show some confidence and some humbleness without appearing needy.
You told her in your card that you are humbled and sorry in a wonderful way. Let her digest that for a while. Don't bring it up. I assure you it is having an impact. Doing your laundry will have an impact, taking more charge of the kids will have an impact. "I will handle it honey attitude" will have an impact. The key is for you to do it without fanfare or bringing it up. Strong and silent.
Also, at some point as you take more charge with the kids, it wouldn't hurt if you showed HER that YOU can get mad at them for not following the rules or your directions. She will then either agree with your stance or tell you that you are being "too tough" on them. Wouldn't that be interesting? How can you lose if that happens. She will either see you as part of the "team" or want you to ease up on them. (ROLE REVERSAL in process) This would be GOOD for the relationship at this point. Rember, she has had to be the "tough one" most all the time. Nobody likes or always wants to be the dicipinarian with kids. Don't put that all on her shoulders. It isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to the kids. It isn't fair to you.....
and always appreciated! My coaching session went well. I am going to continue to lay low, and see where that takes me. She said if i didn't hear from him in a few more weeks, perhaps I should call him at that point, like on a friday night after work, and say hey would you want to grab a beer after work, if he says no, I can say that is ok, I'm still going to go. And leave it at that. No more, no less....just friends with no strings attatched.