Newbie here needing some advice

[ping1]

Thanks Addie, I believe I am just going to give her a non romantic card and do as GL has suggested. Thanks for your input on the kids also, I see that I am overreacting on this and will let it go.

[ping1]

Thanks Mike, I am going to let it go and support W's decision on this. I hope things are getting better in your Sitch. I will check yours out later.

[ping1]

Thanks GL, I am taking your advice on these matters. In fact I started this tonight. W emailed me today to tell me S10 made all A's on his report card and S7 had all S's on his. I emailed her back and told her of course they did, they have W's brains. She emailed back saying they have your brains, don't fool yourself.

I always carry sunflower seeds to baseball practice/games, the boys know they come from dad as I am the one that gives them to them. I went and bought them 2 packs each and told them in front of her, myself and your mother thought we would give you two packs each tonight since you both did so good on your report cards. She didn't say anything, just looked at me.

On another note, S10 was not suppose to have tournament next weekend but coach told us tonight they would probably play. W told me she had made plans with MIL to go to the beach next weekend and she would just have to cancel that. I told her not to worry about them, it's my weekend to have them and I will make sure they get to their tournaments and practices and if I needed another parent to help with one of them, "being if they have tournament and practice at the same time in different places then I would make those arrangements." Told her she needed to go to the beach and have fun with her mother. She stated I doubt we would have fun, I said of course you would, you enjoy being with your mother and you need some time alone. Now this is a complete 180 for me because I was the type of H that didn't like her going away for the weekend without us as a family. When we first started talking about this she was talking like she would cancel but by the end of the conversations, she seems willing to go and told me who I could ask to help out if needed. All in all we had a good night at the ball fields other than sons team didn't show up for their game. I was very upbeat and talkative to all parents, something I normally do not do either, I usually stick to talking to 1 or 2 people and thats it. I feel good about tonight.

On another note, W was suppose to cut my hair tonight, actually I do most of it as I cut my hair with shears and she only touches up the back where I can't get to. Her mother is a beautician "sp" and we have always cut my hair. Well I went last night and someone else do it because I didn't want to bother my W with it and show her that I am needy. I know she noticed but she didn't say a word about it. I need to show her that I am dependant upon myself and not rely on her so much.

I like what you had to say about what to put in a card. Question for you though, do I give her an anniversary card or just a friendly card. I need to pick this up tomorrow and I will leave it on her car tomorrow night in the garage after S7's ballgame, I will make a point to go to her house afte the game, going to get golf balls or something that way I will have a reason to go there and leave this for her. I don't expect anything from her as I didn't get anything from Valentines. Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it.

[sandi2]

Hi Ping, been reading up on your stitch. This last one sounded good 180's. Keep up the good work and no depending on her for things like cutting your hair, etc. That was a good move.

As far as an anniversary card.....that is a very sticky situation. I would find something very, very casual....which is kind of hard to do without the mushy stuff, or being "too humorous", but like another one suggested, keep in on hand, just in case she has something.

I can see you growing, so don't give up.

Sandi

[Runswithscissors]

I agree with Sandi on this. Please don't set yourself up for expecting anything. Doing so, only brings you down. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep up the 180's and keep supporting your children the way you are. They are what's important! If she does something- consider it a nice jesture and don't make a big to do over it. Keep everything light.

Will catch up with you after my return. I will be thinking about you and keeping positive thoughts!

[gucci loafer]

Thanks GL, I am taking your advice on these matters. In fact I started this tonight. W emailed me today to tell me S10 made all A's on his report card and S7 had all S's on his. I emailed her back and told her of course they did, they have W's brains. She emailed back saying they have your brains, don't fool yourself.

This is good. I like the way you have "lightened" up. Relax. Have fun with her. Banter. Make fun of yourself. Good job.
Remember. This is only a par. One shot at a time. Let her keep coming to you. Slow is good.

I always carry sunflower seeds to baseball practice/games, the boys know they come from dad as I am the one that gives them to them. I went and bought them 2 packs each and told them in front of her, myself and your mother thought we would give you two packs each tonight since you both did so good on your report cards. She didn't say anything, just looked at me.

Ok. Pick it up. I'll give you that putt. Remember this very same thing goes for discipline with the children. For the time being, back her ideas and decisions on the children. Trust me. She noticed and banked it. Don't bring it up again. Don't go overboard to let her hear you say those things. Say them when she is NOT around the kids also. Make it a habit. Drive for show, putt for dough....

On another note, S10 was not suppose to have tournament next weekend but coach told us tonight they would probably play. W told me she had made plans with MIL to go to the beach next weekend and she would just have to cancel that. I told her not to worry about them, it's my weekend to have them and I will make sure they get to their tournaments and practices and if I needed another parent to help with one of them, "being if they have tournament and practice at the same time in different places then I would make those arrangements." Told her she needed to go to the beach and have fun with her mother. She stated I doubt we would have fun, I said of course you would, you enjoy being with your mother and you need some time alone. Now this is a complete 180 for me because I was the type of H that didn't like her going away for the weekend without us as a family. When we first started talking about this she was talking like she would cancel but by the end of the conversations, she seems willing to go and told me who I could ask to help out if needed. All in all we had a good night at the ball fields other than sons team didn't show up for their game. I was very upbeat and talkative to all parents, something I normally do not do either, I usually stick to talking to 1 or 2 people and thats it. I feel good about tonight.

BINGO.. THAT is how a MATURE man acts and behaves. "I will handle it honey. Don't worry".. PERFECT.... Great job, great attitude. Just keep doing these types of things. She has needed a helpmate for a long time. Someone to pick up the slack and give her a break from making all the decisions and from feeling all the responsibility. Take advantage of this opportunity. If she is ok with this, then YOU make all the arrangements. THINK about your decisions before you make them. Try to think like she would. If she gives you some unsolicited advice on something, then, stop, and tell her.. "good idea. I should have thought of that"....

Do your own laundry... (thought I forgot, didn't you?)
You will start to become much more attractive to her as she slowly sees you taking some charge of your own life and observing how you are now handling the kids. REMEMBER.. Don't bring this stuff up to her. Don't ask her if she notices. Don't talk about the relationship... One shot at a time. She WILL bring up a talk at some point. We have to get you ready for that time. You are not there yet.

On another note, W was suppose to cut my hair tonight, actually I do most of it as I cut my hair with shears and she only touches up the back where I can't get to. Her mother is a beautician "sp" and we have always cut my hair. Well I went last night and someone else do it because I didn't want to bother my W with it and show her that I am needy. I know she noticed but she didn't say a word about it. I need to show her that I am dependant upon myself and not rely on her so much.

You have learned quickly. This type of thing was exactly what I was talking about. If she asks you why you cut your own hair, or why you are doing your own laundry, the nicely tell her something like... " I was doing some thinking Mrs Ping, and it hit me that I wasn't pulling my own weight for a long time in quite a few areas. You have enough on your plate and certainly don't need me giving you more things to do." Then drop it. Don't bring it up again. (Have you noticed that I keep telling you not to bring things up again?) It is very important you don't. Let HER bring it up. If she does.. Then you take the blame on what an idiot you have been, tell her she was right, and drop it and move on and keep acting happy and mature.

I like what you had to say about what to put in a card. Question for you though, do I give her an anniversary card or just a friendly card. I need to pick this up tomorrow and I will leave it on her car tomorrow night in the garage after S7's ballgame, I will make a point to go to her house afte the game, going to get golf balls or something that way I will have a reason to go there and leave this for her. I don't expect anything from her as I didn't get anything from Valentines. Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it.

Risk versus reward shot here...... Pressure of any kind almost always backfires. So we know that you can't pressure her in any way with a card if it is mushy or if she thinks you are getting false hope. However...... It can still be done without pressure if you do it correctly. Your idea of just leaving the card so that she can read it without you around is perfect. Great idea.
That should take care of any pressure. This is where you can show your maturity again by the card you pick out. She is NOT ready for a you trying to drive a par 4 yet. (romance) She will slowly let you know if and when she is ready. You have to let her come to that totally on her own. No pressure.

Get her a card that is nice and has just a few words on it that basically says Happy Anniversary. Short and sweet. The IMPORTANT thing is the wording that I advised you to write in the card. That is what will keep the pressure off. As long as you leave the card and not give it to her personally, and as long as you don't bring it up again to her or ask her if she read it or whatever... Then it shouldn't hurt you. It will come across as the "silent strong type" in her emotions if done correctly....

You ARE on the correct path now. Remember. I still have not ruled out another man. Don't bury your head in the sand here. Keep observant. Stay steady with your emotions around her.

Grip, stance, alignment...

EXCELLENT job... You have made the cut. We still have a lot of golf to play...

[ernest88]

Thanks GL, I am taking your advice on these matters. In fact I started this tonight. W emailed me today to tell me S10 made all A's on his report card and S7 had all S's on his. I emailed her back and told her of course they did, they have W's brains. She emailed back saying they have your brains, don't fool yourself.

This is good. I like the way you have "lightened" up. Relax. Have fun with her. Banter. Make fun of yourself. Good job.
Remember. This is only a par. One shot at a time. Let her keep coming to you. Slow is good.

I always carry sunflower seeds to baseball practice/games, the boys know they come from dad as I am the one that gives them to them. I went and bought them 2 packs each and told them in front of her, myself and your mother thought we would give you two packs each tonight since you both did so good on your report cards. She didn't say anything, just looked at me.

Ok. Pick it up. I'll give you that putt. Remember this very same thing goes for discipline with the children. For the time being, back her ideas and decisions on the children. Trust me. She noticed and banked it. Don't bring it up again. Don't go overboard to let her hear you say those things. Say them when she is NOT around the kids also. Make it a habit. Drive for show, putt for dough....

On another note, S10 was not suppose to have tournament next weekend but coach told us tonight they would probably play. W told me she had made plans with MIL to go to the beach next weekend and she would just have to cancel that. I told her not to worry about them, it's my weekend to have them and I will make sure they get to their tournaments and practices and if I needed another parent to help with one of them, "being if they have tournament and practice at the same time in different places then I would make those arrangements." Told her she needed to go to the beach and have fun with her mother. She stated I doubt we would have fun, I said of course you would, you enjoy being with your mother and you need some time alone. Now this is a complete 180 for me because I was the type of H that didn't like her going away for the weekend without us as a family. When we first started talking about this she was talking like she would cancel but by the end of the conversations, she seems willing to go and told me who I could ask to help out if needed. All in all we had a good night at the ball fields other than sons team didn't show up for their game. I was very upbeat and talkative to all parents, something I normally do not do either, I usually stick to talking to 1 or 2 people and thats it. I feel good about tonight.

BINGO.. THAT is how a MATURE man acts and behaves. "I will handle it honey. Don't worry".. PERFECT.... Great job, great attitude. Just keep doing these types of things. She has needed a helpmate for a long time. Someone to pick up the slack and give her a break from making all the decisions and from feeling all the responsibility. Take advantage of this opportunity. If she is ok with this, then YOU make all the arrangements. THINK about your decisions before you make them. Try to think like she would. If she gives you some unsolicited advice on something, then, stop, and tell her.. "good idea. I should have thought of that"....

Do your own laundry... (thought I forgot, didn't you?)
You will start to become much more attractive to her as she slowly sees you taking some charge of your own life and observing how you are now handling the kids. REMEMBER.. Don't bring this stuff up to her. Don't ask her if she notices. Don't talk about the relationship... One shot at a time. She WILL bring up a talk at some point. We have to get you ready for that time. You are not there yet.

On another note, W was suppose to cut my hair tonight, actually I do most of it as I cut my hair with shears and she only touches up the back where I can't get to. Her mother is a beautician "sp" and we have always cut my hair. Well I went last night and someone else do it because I didn't want to bother my W with it and show her that I am needy. I know she noticed but she didn't say a word about it. I need to show her that I am dependant upon myself and not rely on her so much.

You have learned quickly. This type of thing was exactly what I was talking about. If she asks you why you cut your own hair, or why you are doing your own laundry, the nicely tell her something like... " I was doing some thinking Mrs Ping, and it hit me that I wasn't pulling my own weight for a long time in quite a few areas. You have enough on your plate and certainly don't need me giving you more things to do." Then drop it. Don't bring it up again. (Have you noticed that I keep telling you not to bring things up again?) It is very important you don't. Let HER bring it up. If she does.. Then you take the blame on what an idiot you have been, tell her she was right, and drop it and move on and keep acting happy and mature.

I like what you had to say about what to put in a card. Question for you though, do I give her an anniversary card or just a friendly card. I need to pick this up tomorrow and I will leave it on her car tomorrow night in the garage after S7's ballgame, I will make a point to go to her house afte the game, going to get golf balls or something that way I will have a reason to go there and leave this for her. I don't expect anything from her as I didn't get anything from Valentines. Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it.

Risk versus reward shot here...... Pressure of any kind almost always backfires. So we know that you can't pressure her in any way with a card if it is mushy or if she thinks you are getting false hope. However...... It can still be done without pressure if you do it correctly. Your idea of just leaving the card so that she can read it without you around is perfect. Great idea.
That should take care of any pressure. This is where you can show your maturity again by the card you pick out. She is NOT ready for a you trying to drive a par 4 yet. (romance) She will slowly let you know if and when she is ready. You have to let her come to that totally on her own. No pressure.

Get her a card that is nice and has just a few words on it that basically says Happy Anniversary. Short and sweet. The IMPORTANT thing is the wording that I advised you to write in the card. That is what will keep the pressure off. As long as you leave the card and not give it to her personally, and as long as you don't bring it up again to her or ask her if she read it or whatever... Then it shouldn't hurt you. It will come across as the "silent strong type" in her emotions if done correctly....

You ARE on the correct path now. Remember. I still have not ruled out another man. Don't bury your head in the sand here. Keep observant. Stay steady with your emotions around her.

Grip, stance, alignment...

EXCELLENT job... You have made the cut. We still have a lot of golf to play...

Ping,
You're a lucky man. GL is giving you great advice.

Stay with the program and don't take a step back. I'm praying for you brother.

GL-like the golf analogies.

[gucci loafer]

Thanks M...

It's a golfer thing... Golfers are a different breed......

What is so fun about hitting a little white ball around? LOL...

Keep following your own personal interests and hobbies Ping.
That is extremely important to getting her back... Women like men
who seem to be wanting to do something with their life. The key is balancing your hobbies and interests with having a wife and family. We will worry about that when we get to that hole. Right now we are concerned about the shot at hand...

[ernest88]

Thanks M...

It's a golfer thing... Golfers are a different breed......

What is so fun about hitting a little white ball around? LOL...

Keep following your own personal interests and hobbies Ping.
That is extremely important to getting her back... Women like men
who seem to be wanting to do something with their life. The key is balancing your hobbies and interests with having a wife and family. We will worry about that when we get to that hole. Right now we are concerned about the shot at hand...

Yes we are..I play too.

I have been keeping up with Ping for a while. We both arrived here about the same time.
I guess I offer more support for him than anything else. I don't have much good advice to offer.
I am glad you found him. I can see that you are really helping him and since I'm following his thread it is helping me too.

[gucci loafer]

Glad to hear you are observing and getting help.

The more a man does the basics the better he gets and the more results he sees.

Ping will begin to see that he really has been acting unhappy for awhile and that his wife just happened to be the vehicle that has shown him this. He needs to work on being happy. This HAS to come first. That is why it is important for him to keep some balance in his life as he goes through this difficult time.

I would like to see him continue on the path he started yesterday with his wife. It is also good for him, and good for her to see him continue to pursue his own loves and interests. This can be golf, collecting putters, fishing, building models, or whatever else that he really loves to do. The issue that his wife has is not GOLF. It is not collecting PUTTERS. It was that she felt that it was an obsession and MORE IMPORTANT than her. He did make it look that way. She will allow him to enjoy his hobbies after she "FEELS" that her feelings and thoughts and wants and needs are MORE IMPORTANT than golf or whatever. Most women really don't care if their man has other interests and hobbies, and as a matter of fact respect a man more when he does. Howver, a woman does have a problem with a man who ignores her and doesn't show interest in what SHE loves and likes.(fake it if you have to) What is important to her should be important to Ping.

Don't worry. She will notice. Ping needs to keep golfing and enjoying it, but handle golf EXACTLY like he did when the going to the beach conversation came up with his wife.... He should be as flexble as she was. Did you notice that she said SHE would not go to the beach?
She quickly was willing to change HER plans and fun.

This is how he should react if he has a golf outing planned and something comes up with the family....

"Mrs. Ping, I going to call off my golf outing so that we can____________ (fill in the blank here).....

AND he should do it HAPPILY and WILLINGLY for HER... He can golf another time...

I would bet that she would do the same thing he did when she wanted to go to the beach... "that's all right Mr. Ping, you go ahead and golf and I will take care of the kids"..

TEAM... She wants to be a TEAM.. She wants to be ONE....

That is how a team operates. She secretly craves Ping to take some more control of the discipline and decision making, while still taking her feelings into account ALWAYS. The woman usually responds if he just does it like it is no big deal and isn't looking for approval or a pat on the back. These are things he should have been doing all along. She has. He said she is a giving person by nature. It is time he took the bull by the horns here and gotten involved in this stuff with her and show their kids that mom and dad are a team.


Grip, stance and alignment...