Deciding whether our W's are worth the effort is something we all have to decide. And it is not easy. Sometimes I feel that I am as confused as she is about the whole thing. I am certain of one thing -- what I want to do with me, the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of life I want to live. If W decides she wants to be a part of that again, I'm happy to reassess whether she fits any more. But it is a hard realization if you have come to the conclusion that there are innate qualities in W that are simply unacceptable, qualities you were willing to overlook in the past -- but not any longer. I see so many threads lately where people are throwing up their arms and giving up. Even if it seems to be the right choice, try to keep an open mind for the future. You never know what will happen to that pod person that has taken over your W.
I guess I am just rambling. I woke up in a screwed up mood this morning. Sorry.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I started feeling the same way, I hope we are not just "feeding" this emotion to each other. After reading many many posts in the forum I changed the way I think about what is happening with W. Before I was thinking that M had some problems and OM was a consequence of it, so if I could "fix" R, OM would go away. Now I think that as long as OM in the picture I cannot fix M... yes, I can do something about me, and maybe this is going to make W think.... think about me, how I am changing, how "strange" I am becoming, so..... more reasons she has to think about me, more she may think she is missing me. I have to find a sort of a logic in all this, it is my nature.
If you haven't done so already, I think you should tell your wife in no uncertain terms that you have no intention of being good friends with her if she insists upon ending your marriage this way. Most waywards have this grand fantasy of everyone in their past and current life -- including their spouse -- being OK with their new relationship, and everyone holding hands and singing "Kum-ba-ya" and living happily ever after. When I told my wife that I would NOT be her best friend (and we've always been best friends) if she ended her marriage by way of an affair, it devastated her.
Consequences.
I also told her that I had NO intention of EVER letting OM be around our kids, and my MIL also told her that she would NEVER, EVER accept him into her life or her home.
The components of a good friendship -- quality time, words of affirmation, sharing goals, dreams, hopes, being there to console each other, etc. -- these are all "emotional needs" that get met. To my way of thinking, those are bundled up along with the more intimate needs that a husband and wife share -- they are a "package deal." If your wife sh*ts on the one, she shouldn't get the others, and she should know that.
It was this missing of my friendship and companionship more than anything else that caused my wife to end her affair, in my opinion. That and the pressure brought to bear by her parents and our adult daughters, to whom I exposed her affair.
I wish I had my in laws on my side in this, but for some strange reason I don't. Until this mess I had a good relation with them, always be there for them when they needed help - and boy DID they need help. When I asked MIL to talk to W - she said she could not do anything, it was all my fault(?) and she was going to support her daughter - I was shocked!
Hope4us, it does sound like we're in the same spot. I suppose I'll probably never say never, but it's really hard for me to see how any R with her in the future would work. Which in itself is ridiculous since that isn't even a possibility at this point.
g, I think deciding on the kind of person I want to be is what is making me realize that the person W has turned into is not good for me to be in a R with. This is an extremely hard realization, but she's pursuing a career and is too willing to sacrifice a R/M along the way. I'd never make that kind of decision. I don't want to give up, and deep down I never will. But I have to really ask myself if she can EVER get past this core part of herself to be in a long-term R or if this is an ever-repeating cycle.
rop, I hear you. I'm trying to find logic as well and show my W she already is married to a great man. Nothing seems to make a difference, though. I think once she gets back in the house and has been here for some time, perhaps with OM, it'll really hit home what's happened. BTW, I see you're in the same area as me.
Hey pup. Yes, awhile ago I told her what the consequences would be, but I also said that if she pursued D I would make it amicable. That's where I'm at right now. Keep things nice and non-antagonistic while we split accounts and house and then withdraw friendship. I think she's forgotten that the last part is fast approaching.
Indeed. I'm not being her best friend and that's becoming apparent, though I've still been too willing to be there for her, as shown by my willingness to help her with her proposal.
But I think she's realizing, by my being amicable, that I'm a good person that people enjoy being around. And she's not getting the best part of me anymore. This will become particularly apparent after next week because she won't have an excuse to contact me re: my upcoming move.
Hike! Yikes! makes my feet hurt just thinking about it!
Back to the loan - you're still legally and financially responsible for the debt? If you're still tied to the mortgage why should your name be off the deed? How will that affect what you want to do in the future for your own housing? I refinanced recently and got a lower interest rate = lower payment, why is this a bad time to refinance? especially seeing that W and family are well to do. It just doesn't smell right to me.
You don't mention your own family, do you have anyone to 'fall back' on for help? emotionally, financially? hugs?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
all good questions. I'm not sure what's going on. I emailed her yesterday and said she could either refinance, or we sign an agreement that she pays for my share in the house and agrees to refinance within a year but my name stays on title as long as it's on the mortage (but I have no share in future equity or liabilities).
Having the mortgage on my credit record basically rules out my ability to get any large loan in the future. That's why I wanted to put a time limit in the agreement.
I have family and friends to fall back on - thanks for asking. My finances are in great shape, trying to get my mental state in the same place! Getting there ...
