Just journaling. Discovered yesterday that I'm married to a stranger.
Went to the bank to split the joint account. While we were waiting for the bankers to do some stuff, W and I chatted about the house agreement. Ends up that she HASN'T talked to her father about co-signing for the mortgage loan, only for him to pay me my share. Prices are ridiculous out here and it's ludicrous that she could qualify for the loan by herself, yet what was her plan? Leave me on the mortgage for 2 years, try to finish her PhD in that time (though in her proposals, she's saying 3 years), and then go back to full-time work which she thought would qualify her for a loan. HA! I told her 2 years was too long and she wouldn't qualify by herself - she should have her father co-sign. She looked like she was going to cry.
I feel like I'm watching the start of a train wreck.
Adding to all this, I came across a box of her old journals while packing. I know I shouldn't have, but I looked through the one from when we were separated 9 years ago. Yikes! Who am I married to ?! Ends up she started an EA only 1 month after moving out here. Then she was really conflicted, not wanting to give up her dreams of a new relationship with OM but realizing she was in an established relationship that she wasn't working on. This went on for 3 months before she said anything to me. Eventually she realized OM wasn't giving her what she was used to and she was thinking of me all the time. At the end of the saga, she wrote that she couldn't believe what she'd done, that what she thought she wasn't getting from me was really just her inability to put energy into the R, and that she couldn't see her emotional turmoil clearly because she was in the middle of it.
But it took 8 months for her to make that realization. What kind of person makes choices like this? How many OM have there been?
Still no D papers. Should I go ahead and file? Do I really want to try and salvage a R with this person if that were even a possibility?
lodo, I don't know how to say what I want without making it seem harsh and that is not my intent. So add the sweets and hugs and sugars where appropriate. BUT, don't let her USE you, don't let her take advantage of YOU, don't let her think she has you convinced to be her good friend. You don't do her any favors that way either if she is thinking you are still wrapped around her little finger and she can just leave you on the mortgage and go on about her life. Crying when you said no to her plan for YOUR life? Sure, she might lose it all if you don't agree to her plan. If she can't afford the place then she moves too. Consequences for her bad choices.
How will you feel when you find out OM has moved into the house with her and you're still legally financially responsible?
Her journals, I'd be sure to leave that box out and open with those pages wide open for her to see all over again. Reality slap.
D papers? Ask her what she is doing about it and what is the current status. I'm sorry I can't remember, but have you tried a list of 'we can scrap this D and work on us if you do 1...2...3.' That's IF you want to give her a chance.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Prices are ridiculous out here and it's ludicrous that she could qualify for the loan by herself, yet what was her plan? Leave me on the mortgage for 2 years, try to finish her PhD in that time (though in her proposals, she's saying 3 years), and then go back to full-time work which she thought would qualify her for a loan. HA! I told her 2 years was too long and she wouldn't qualify by herself - she should have her father co-sign. She looked like she was going to cry.
As someone pointed out to me once, people in active affairs tend to temporarily lose about 20-30 IQ points. Seriously. My wife's OM was CONVINCED that I was learning her whereabouts thru her "BMW Assist" feature in her car. Nevermind that a cursory 30-second visit to their website will tell you that BMW will only divulge the location of a subscriber's vehicle if accompanied by a bona fide police report. Still, they were CONVINCED!!!
This went on for nearly two months before they ever even decided to search the trunk of her car for the GPS-enabled cellphone that I had stashed in there.
I am sure you are aware of this, but definitely need to be taken off the mortgage if you get a D. You cant be tied to that mortgage anymore as it prevents you from getting your own loan. Also, what happens if she does not make payments? - The bank does not care that you are divorced, your name is still on the mortgage. She can either refinance or sell the house. A quit claim deed wont do it. Sounds like you are going to have to get an L involved if she refuses to do either. Your W sounds like she is going to find that there are indeed consequences for bad decisions.
I wonder if your W has been keeping journals for now and if they reflect similar to those of 9 years ago. It is hard for you to desire a W that has repeated A behavior.
BTW... Have you ever visited the Ruby Mountains in Northern Nevada near Elko? I might be stopping by there for a day or two on the way to Utah. I still worry about whether I can take this vacation as I may be pulling the final trigger on a D soon and I may not have the funds to go. I know that this is a trip I will do in the future if I cant do it this year.
WCW, no opinions are too harsh! I'm not letting her take advantage of me - I think she's starting to realize that she's no longer in control. I'm willing to stay on the mortgage AND title for a little bit because it makes it easier in the short-term for me. Beyond that, no way. I'll push for selling the house at a loss before I agree to that kind of long-term commitment with all its obvious pitfalls.
Kerry, it is definitely hard to realize the tendencies she has, especially because she's actually an incredible person who I love dearly. But she obviously can't maintain relationships! This is a hard realization to accept - but I have to.
The Rubies are great - great hiking! Go up Lamoille canyon and there are some beautiful lakes up high. The Utah trip sounds great, but I understand what you mean about funds. Gas is not going to be cheap for the amount of driving you'll be doing.
lodo
PS - decided to go ahead and file. Took the day off work and am filling out the forms now.
It does sound as if you have been the nice guy throughout your sitch. You say that we won't be friends, but then it is, actually, hard to do. I have recently expressed my boundaries to my WW and let her know that our friendship will not be if she continues. And then this morning, as I am making my lunch, I ask her if she wants the same thing. She says sure, and I make her lunch for her while she is preparing my cup of coffee for me. Moments like these, I don't know if I'm coming or going. The confusion is mind boggling to me.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I don't think there's anything with simple acts of kindness. What I've been talking about is letting the wayward spouse know, in no uncertain terms, that if they decide to end their marriage this way (by refusing to end an affair, and come back and agree to work on the marriage), that you will never be their best friend, or even a particularly GOOD friend.
Big difference. AOKs (Acts of Kindness), I think, are not only OK if they are genuine, I think they give the wayward spouse something to thinking about losing after the marriage is over.
So, I filed, then emailed W that I'd done so. She called in tears saying she had just filed. She was REALLY upset for some reason - couldn't figure out why. She said I must not trust her and I said I didn't. Then she said she felt like she'd done something to make me angry - ?! I told her that I was in the middle of packing up 12 years of my life and ending my marriage because my W refused to honor her vows and placed OM above a committed R.
We talked more in that half-whispering, long silences way that I'm sure you're all familiar with. Damn, despite all that's going on we still talk so well. Anyway, she said she hadn't changed her mind and I said I didn't think it would matter if she did. I said I had always thought this might happen and when she asked why, told her I'd always felt I'd put more into the R than her. She said she wasn't sure she could be in a long-term R.
And that's the big red flag, and what I read in her journals. She's got some deep-down core issues that will cause her to continue on this self-destructive path no matter how much I love her. She's got to deal with herself.
Anyway, the reason I started this whole thing is that during our conversation she thanked me for being able to be at a party with her with only a few awkward moments. I told her I'd always be kind and polite to her, but not to expect anything more. She'd chosen to try and get that from someone else.
Damn, looks like I'm out the $300 bucks filing fee. lodo
Didn't your attorney require a retainer?? Mine needed $2,500, and my wife's, $3,500. Six grand for us to file, file counter-complaints, do two 3-month stays, and then ultimately dismiss.
What a fricking waste.
I'm sorry you had to do this, but I don't blame you. I think you've done what you could. You never know what might happen; you know what they say about "Until you let something go . . . ", kwim?
Sleep well -- you've fought the good fight, my brother. Keep us posted.
We're doing this w/o L. No kids, aren't going after each other's retirement accounts, have been civil and amicable. House is the only issue, and she's agreed to my offer - she pays me half our down payment and I stay on the mortgage & title for 1 year, at which point we sell if she hasn't refinanced. Here in CA filing is pretty easy - I did all the filing online. Of course there's still the 6 month wait.
What I hate is that I still feel, despite her quickness to say she hasn't changed her mind, that we aren't done yet. That she's going to regret this. But at this point I think that's me not letting go. And as I said above, she's got some core issues that mean this could happen over and over again. Which I don't want. So I have to give it up.
