I had to chime in and say -It does make sense. Your separation is still very new - just since last month, right? I can't believe it would be easy for any LBS to "walk away" just b/c H or W made a decision to leave. People can ask any of us why we are putting up with WAS, but as you are pointing out, they haven't been tested yet, so they don't know what they would do in your place. You married out of love and you want to stay married out of love. The vows usually say "for better or for worse", not until somebody's pride gets hurt or there is a life crisis that throws the marriage into a tailspin. These times are "worse", but look how many marriages do recover. The success stories on here definitely keep me going when I feel low.
Originally Posted By: Edge
my heart is broken. I can't seem to get my head to take control.
I can't remember now where I was reading this, but I think it was one of the "Mars/Venus" books, but one of the ideas was that the mind and the heart do move at different paces - it's all part of the process.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I guess I just have to remember that the people giving all this "advice" do not know the feelings I have in my heart. I've been reading over the "Going Dark" subforum today. I think that is really my best bet at this point. It is REALLY difficult for me to do that, but I know it is my best chance of healing my marriage.
OK so H called today. I was having a pretty rough day yesterday and he knew it. He called to see if I wanted to talk with him (about R I assume). I told him no, that I was fine. Then I got off the phone quickly. I made plans with a friend for the afternoon so I wouldn't be bored and tempted to call. So far so good. I am being as dark as I can be with 2 kids.
Wow - I can't imagine my H offering to talk - especially about R. Good for you to resist the temptation to cry on his shoulder. No guilt trips, no whining, no pity - you only want to present him with an image of you as strong, confident, desirable.
Your friends and family who suggest you should walk away just don't want to see you hurting. My belief is that D would hurt as much or more than standing - at least this early in the crisis. Anyone I talked to about my sitch I let know up front that my goal is to get through this crisis, give H space he needs, and heal M - I've been lucky b/c everyone has been very supportive. I also explain what I've learned about DB and that I have hope b/c I have seen that M do recover from this.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I have cried to him TOO many times. It doesn't get me anywhere. It is a cheeseless tunnel for me. His reaction is always the same "I am sorry. I just don't love you anymore. I am doing what I think is best." The cheeseless tunnel lesson is a pretty difficult one for me. I have just been hoping that THIS time he would really feel my pain and regret what he is doing. I am realizing that my behavior (the desperation) hasn't changed, so why should his. Today is day 1 of darkness. I saw him this morning after I dropped the kids off at school. I happened to pass by a job site that he was on. I felt a little pang of heartache, but I did not call him. I am giving him the distance he has so obviously been showing me he needs.
One good thing. I spoke to him a few days ago, and I asked him if he was still taking his time to make sure this is what he wants. He said "I'll put it this way, I'm not rushing to do anything right now." That was our last conversation, and I will see how the darkness affects him. Wish me luck. I think when I am tempted to contact him (which is a lot) I'll just post here instead.
Thanks for reading my post. I, too, felt constant heartache over "Kevin's" behavior, a willingness to allow him to take all the time and space in the world when he zipped out of the house two months ago. I emotionally dangled like a worm on a hook waiting for whatever attention, both good and bad, he gave me.
In the process I've realized that I lost my sense of self in the relationship. That getting a life wasn't just an exercise, it was a necessity if I didn't want to feel like a helpless victim of his whims.
An image that helped was that I had a large wound on my arm which I was constantly picking at. It took up all my energy and focus, just poking it to see if it was getting better, but making it worse. Eventually I remembered that I had a whole body, not just this arm that hurt so much.
He is a huge part of your life, but at this time not everything. Taking care of yourself is good good good.. and congratulations on doing so. Remember, going 'dark' isn't about not contacting him, it's about giving yourself time to heal.
I love the imagery about the arm! I am definitely going to be using that for myself. That is such a great description of it.
I feel like I have lost myself in this too. It is SO frustrating because I know in my head that H is turned off by the desperate needy person I have become. The frustration is because HE MADE ME THAT WAY!! I was never like this before. He has been so withholding of his affections over the years that my self esteem is at an all time low. I have to get back to what I once was. That is what I am trying to focus on while I go dark.
I made the mistake of crying to H too much also and let me tell you it doesn't give you the reaction your looking for. Instead of empathy we get pity, instead of a hug we get the dreaded look in their eyes. Nothing we say to them will make them want to be with us. In my sitch I thought I might have had a chance in the early weeks but now after my backsliding its a long shot right now that he's coming home soon if at all.
Good luck with the darkness. I hope he soon sees the light.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
If you ascribe to 'he made me that way' then you're making yourself a victim. Your sense of empowerment goes by the wayside, replaced by a growing sense of powerlessness.
I made myself powerless in my relationship because I deferred too much to him for what I thought were the right reasons. It was easier to adore and revere him than disagree over something. It was easier to be passive rather than assertive.
I went away for a week alone. Although I've traveled quite a bit, I've never gone someplace by myself, without knowing others. Let me tell you, it was great. The bubbly person full of joy and caring surfaced. I became centered, something that is great in dealing with all this crap.
Taking accountability for my actions improves who I am.. there's nothing wrong with the 'oops' factor. Oops, I made a boo-boo, forgive myself and move on.
Just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I'm a failure! It just means I'm human and have the opportunity to learn from them.
Gypsy, I see your point about my "he made me that way" statement. I guess I let myself become that. There were reasons that he was withholding. I have ownership in that too. I just really want to be the person I used to be. I really don't want to have to lean so hard on someone for my self worth. I am better than that. I want to show my kids that they are better than that.
Jen, I know that look of dread well. No empathy at all. I don't even know if there is pity. It is like a feeling of obligation I get from him. He acts like he has to deal with my crying fits because he is the one hurting me. That is the worst. He doesn't really try to comfort me most of the time. He just listens and says the same things over and over. I'm not in love with you, etc. Cheeseless tunnels. That is the big one for me. No more! I have been reading through my old thread today. I have mentioned going dark several times, but I have never actually done it. I have gone a day or two, but that is not enough. I really have to stick to this.
