She called in tears saying she had just filed. She was REALLY upset for some reason - couldn't figure out why. She said I must not trust her and I said I didn't. Then she said she felt like she'd done something to make me angry - ?! I told her that I was in the middle of packing up 12 years of my life and ending my marriage because my W refused to honor her vows and placed OM above a committed R.
What a mess, I am so sorry.
I agree, its not nearly over. You just filed, and it looks like you have 6 months to go. This is good.
Email from W this morning - "I'm sorry I over-reacted. This is new territory for me, too, and I'm learning how to traverse it. Yesterday and today were tough for me - I'm not immune to the emotional impact; I hope you know that. And I don't completely understand my feelings, but I can't deny them. You are a wonderful, caring, engaged, interesting person, and I wish that I could be the person for you, but I can't. We have connected on so many levels, and I feel we still do. And I really, really don't want you to put the blame entirely on yourself for this, because it's about my participation/lack thereof as well. I have stayed away from initiating communication to give you space, because I assume you want and need that. But I appreciate that we are still able to talk, and hope we can continue that."
I really wish this was a M that could be DBed, but I think things are really different when there has been an A. She has no remorse and that means everything. What's spooky is, as I've written many times before, almost these exact words were written to me 9 years ago. Based on her journals, we're at that point where all her relationships were starting to crash down around her. Anyway, I don't read a lot of love in her words.
Email from W this morning - "I'm sorry I over-reacted. This is new territory for me, too, and I'm learning how to traverse it. Yesterday and today were tough for me - I'm not immune to the emotional impact; I hope you know that. And I don't completely understand my feelings, but I can't deny them. You are a wonderful, caring, engaged, interesting person, and I wish that I could be the person for you, but I can't. We have connected on so many levels, and I feel we still do. And I really, really don't want you to put the blame entirely on yourself for this, because it's about my participation/lack thereof as well. I have stayed away from initiating communication to give you space, because I assume you want and need that. But I appreciate that we are still able to talk, and hope we can continue that."
I really wish this was a M that could be DBed, but I think things are really different when there has been an A. She has no remorse and that means everything. What's spooky is, as I've written many times before, almost these exact words were written to me 9 years ago. Based on her journals, we're at that point where all her relationships were starting to crash down around her. Anyway, I don't read a lot of love in her words.
lodo
Neither do I, Lodo. She's fogged out. There's also a lot of "moral equivalency" in here, and diversion.
If it were me, I would respond tersely:
"Let me be clear -- I do not blame myself. Your decision to have an affair was entirely yours, and I won't take responsibility for it. Yes, we can talk, and will continue to be civil and courteous, but the intimate friendship that we shared has been broken, and I doubt it will ever be back. As sad as I am, and this is NOT what I wanted, I'm even more sad that you do not even seem remorseful for what you've done.
Why not. I'm willing to try something new and what have I got to lose? Here's what I wrote (made a little less terse):
"Thanks for writing back. I should clarify -- I don't blame myself. I wish our marriage hadn't entered a rough patch, but it's unrealistic to think that it wouldn't. The way in which you decided to handle that situation, however, is entirely your choice and I won't take responsibility for it. I can leave this marriage feeling good that I did everything I could to make things work.
Yes, we can talk, and I'll continue to be civil, courteous, and pleasant, but the intimate friendship we shared has been broken and it's hard for me to see that it'll ever return. As sad as I am, I accept the situation though it's not what I wanted. I'm more sad, however, that you don't even seem remorseful for what you've done."
That sounds more like you, and it keeps the same message that she definately needs to hear. I'd like to use it for the future, but my WW keeps on taking the blame. Even to the kids. I'm not sure how to read this.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Why not. I'm willing to try something new and what have I got to lose? Here's what I wrote (made a little less terse):
"Thanks for writing back. I should clarify -- I don't blame myself. I wish our marriage hadn't entered a rough patch, but it's unrealistic to think that it wouldn't. The way in which you decided to handle that situation, however, is entirely your choice and I won't take responsibility for it. I can leave this marriage feeling good that I did everything I could to make things work.
Yes, we can talk, and I'll continue to be civil, courteous, and pleasant, but the intimate friendship we shared has been broken and it's hard for me to see that it'll ever return. As sad as I am, I accept the situation though it's not what I wanted. I'm more sad, however, that you don't even seem remorseful for what you've done."
I understand one of the goals of DBing is to get the other spouse to see what they would "miss" -- parts of you and the marriage that are important to them, and that meet their key emotional needs.
One of Lodo's wife's needs is for Lodo to be her best friend. It would seem wise to me for him to let her know that would be throwing that away if she continues on her course, no??
You might also get in the message that the door is not necessarily closed to your heart. That during the next 6 months waiting for the D, that if she changes her mind, it will be up to her to convince you that she can come back and be your faithfull wife for the rest of your lives.
SG - yes, it will achieve my goal. I'm doing something different from what I usually do and I'm looking back at what has shaken her up before and losing my friendship has been the biggie. But I've been too nice in the past to enforce that.
Things are different now. I was served papers today, I move next week, and I'm ready to completely reclaim my life.
Kerry, you're right but I've communicated that message for quite awhile. She needs some time to dwell on what's really going on. And so do I for that matter because honestly, I love her with all my heart but I just can't see being with her again.
