As you read my ex-w and I have remained friends through all of this. It has been difficult and I've faced many situations like this. I think you handled your situation perfectly. Here's why
1. You walk away from the particular encounter knowing you did the right thing. You loved/love her and the last thing you want is to hurt her when she's down.
2. By not "kicking while she's down" you have served not to drive a permanent wedge between you and her which leads me to the final item.
3. When she's down, feeling bad about what she's done, how she's treated you you showed compasion which will only serve to make her wonder why you are being so nice. Validation needs anger to feed it in these situations. What you did was dump more cold water on that fire. It may not bring her back, may not change her mind but it sure won't hurt the cause if that's what you want.
I better get to work but know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.
Later Rob M/H: 40/36 S-9 t/m: 10/9 Sep/Div 7/06 4/07
Lodo, you have done well. It is so easy to have things go ugly. I am trying to keep things peaceful, friendly, and at least civil, because of my hope to have my marriage restored. I have told her that we won't be friends if she maintains and ends our marriage because of OM, but I feel like I am not holding onto my boundaries. I feel like I am saying one thing, but doing another.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Lodo, you have done well. It is so easy to have things go ugly. I am trying to keep things peaceful, friendly, and at least civil, because of my hope to have my marriage restored. I have told her that we won't be friends if she maintains and ends our marriage because of OM, but I feel like I am not holding onto my boundaries. I feel like I am saying one thing, but doing another.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Hi there Lodo - nothing much to contribute to your thread...just wanted you to know I called by to see how you're doin and to wish you strength and good luck in your current situation.
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Thanks for checking in on me. I'm actually in pretty good shape, all things considered. Taking one day at a time and just realizing that once the move is over and I respond to D papers, I'll be free to focus on myself and my PMA.
Honestly, reading W's journal from 9 years ago and realizing that a) she couldn't remain emotionally faithful to me for even 4 weeks when she was alone, and b) she has emotional problems/cycles that she isn't dealing with, has really helped me to let go.
I won't close the door completely but I now know that I can find a more committed partner and I'm not scared of not being with W. I wish her the best, but am glad I'm not going to be caught up in her lifestyle.
That said, I recognize that my own life has turned into a bit of a train wreck. Not on the public side, but privately, and it's time to put everything back in order. Counting the days to my move ...
I feel like this move is never going to happen. I'm down to packing all the weird stuff that's hard to pack. Still have quite a bit of sorting to do, but am getting there. Movers come on Tuesday and new stuff shows up on Thursday, so by next weekend I should be somewhat set up in my new life.
W continues to be, IMO, unrealistic about the sitch. We last had contact when I emailed her saying I took no responsibility for the way she chose to react to the rough spot in our M and that she'd broken our friendship. I received the D papers, but then she later emailed asking if I'd like the vegetable box she gets from the local farm as she'd be camping over the weekend.
I immediately wondered if she was going camping with OM, but what does it matter. She might just as well be going away to be alone for a bit. But why offer the box? Because it's probably her attempt to be friendly, but it falls so short. Anyway, I served my response on her yesterday and our hearing is in August. Oops, that's when she'll be away for 6 weeks working with OM.
One other strange thing - the D papers she filed were full of mistakes. She claimed to make $140,000 per month. WOW - maybe I should dig up the backyard before I leave to see if she's hiding the extra cash somewhere! I have no clue where that number comes from. She also didn't list any bank accounts, was almost a month off on our separation date, and claimed total receipt of the house without mentioning our agreement for what I was to be paid.
Well, soon enough I'll be out of her fun house world. I think she's starting to lose it a bit.
I guess you guys are right - my W has always been so capable and sure in her achievements, but then she can just lose it and I think that's happening now. I was always the better one in an emergency. I don't know if I'm taking pleasure out of it, though. I want to, but I think it's more just creating confusion. I want to distance myself from her because I don't understand where she's coming from more than I want to see her flounder.
Yea, I was only half-serious in my post. I think you have the right attitude. I think it is obvious that both of us would prefer that our W's re-find there way.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
