I have been out of town all weekend. I have some deep rooted issues with my dad that have had a pretty disastrous affect on all my relationships. I decided that while H had the kids this weekend, I needed to take a little trip to visit my dad and resolve some things. I won't go into much detail on that, but the visit was VERY good. I let go of some pain that I have been holding onto for years. I knew that if I want to work things out with H or have a relationship with ANYONE in the future I needed to do this. I am really glad I did. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel free.
One of the things I will talk about more happened on Saturday night. I don't know if I have mentioned this before on here, but when I have talked to H in the past about the issues the kids are having he has always blown me off and said things like "Well they never act like that when they are with me." It was starting to really tick me off. Well Saturday night at around 8:30 H called my cell. My S5 was about to go to bed when he remembered (quite upset about it) that he had not called me yet. When I got on the phone with S he was just bawling his little eyes out. It was torture to hear him like that. He just kept saying "I miss you so much Mommy! I've been missing you all weekend!" The one thing he said that I know had to bother H was "I don't want to be hear with Daddy. I want to go home to your house." He was just SO upset. I talked to him calmly and reassured him about how special he was, and that I was never going anywhere that he couldn't come too (a concern that he revealed to me last week). He finally calmed down a bit, and I talked to H briefly. No real conversation with H, just "Don't worry too much about him, he'll be OK." because he knew I was concerned.
When I got off the phone, I was feeling terrible. I really wanted to be able to help S with his feelings. The good thing that I think has come out of this is that H finally gets to see for himself what this is doing to the kids. He hasn't been able to see this behavior before. I am glad he finally sees it.
Anyway, that is my whole weekend in a nutshell. I'll check in tomorrow. Right now, I am going to go relax and have a few beers. Have a good evening everyone.
Ugh...I am having a really rough morning. I am having one of those mornings where I just miss H like crazy. I am just feeling very sad right now. My urge to call him is not too strong, but I REALLY just wish he would contact me. Do you ever have those days where you just feel hopeless about your sitch? Like there is nothing you can do to change things? I am losing faith that this will work out at all. I'm not sure that there is anything I can do to stop these feelings, but I am trying. I guess I just need to go through this process and feel all these emotions. I'm just sad, and needed to get my feelings out into the cosmos. Thanks for letting me do that here.
Congratulations on dealing with those deep rooted issues with your Dad. That must have been empowering! And listening to your little one be so upset is so heart wrenching.
Perhaps one reason why you're having one of these rough mornings is that you did sooooooooooo much emotionally this weekend.
I've been feeling down and out the past few days, feeling tossed and turned and inbetween. I think it goes with the territory. Goodness me, you should see some of the stuff I've posted today all over the boards today.. very .. may I say.. almost bitter, helpless, at my wits end??
As far as losing faith.. I wouldn't worry about that. Heck.. you're an incredible woman with so much strength.. I want to bottle you up and sell you on eBay!
Arthur, thanks for reading my sitch. I am not chasing him right now. That has been one of my mistakes before. I don't want to go back to that. I even put a note in my Blackberry to read when I am tempted to call him. It essentially tells me not to call him, not to backslide, that he will eventually come around. I just have to give him the time and space to do it. I have been using this board and a journal to say the things that I want to say to him. I have to get it out.
Gypsy, yes it was VERY empowering to deal with my issues with Dad. I felt so good driving home yesterday. I really feel like I have a new start emotionally. So much of my actions and feelings have stemmed from my childhood pain. It is like letting that go has given me a new place to grow from. Now I just have to figure out who I am without the pain I have been holding onto. It has been such a huge part of me for so long. It is refreshing to know that I can be a better person now.
I hate this "at my wits end" feeling. That is the reason my name here is Edge. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and I don't really want to jump off. I am trying so hard to stay on solid ground, but H has already jumped. Do I jump after him? or do I walk away from the cliff and continue my own life without him? It is really hard. Thanks for the "strength" comments. I don't feel very strong sometimes, but I am trying so hard! That made me feel so good. Thank you.
Do you ever have those days where you just feel hopeless about your sitch? Like there is nothing you can do to change things? I am losing faith that this will work out at all.
I have these feelings every day lately. What really drew me to DB was the possibility that there were things I could DO to change our sitch - to save M even if H wasn't interested. I'm not so sure this is going to work for me. So, I have been thinking about not having hope. One of the things that I have realized in the last day or two is that my hope has been fixated - it has been conditional on getting exactly what I want, which is M and H back in my life. Now, I am trying to reframe what I hope for - to hope for happiness/fulfillment in whatever form it takes. I don't think that means that I have to stop wishing/preferring for M to be restored - but, really, I am still working on how to process this. And - I'm afraid we really do have to experience these emotions. I keep trying to control what I feel and that is just holding me in place and making me feel worse. I think it is that way for everybody.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
When I was inadvertently yet very happily at a Yoga and Health retreat, they talked about testing the 'edge'. When you do yoga poses, it's not about doing it perfectly, it's about listening to your body. If it hurts, stop. You don't have to be perfect pretzel.
The edge is just beyond what is comfortable but not painful. Addressing the edge allows you to grow. You aim for.. the edge.
Perhaps during this time it's about doing what's right.. not tying yourself up in knots. Being willing to test the edge and stretch just a bit farther so you learn.
Hey lady! Just read all of this thread. I am you! Not really, but I cry to my H way too much. And I follow those stupid cheeseless tunnels. Like THIS time when I tell him I want him to honor our marriage commitment, he will suddenly say, "Yes, I see it now! Let's do that" or something?Sounds funny when you think about it, but I go down those tunnels all the time.
I also feel hopeless a LOT, like I don't have a vote that counts re. my marriage....so I understand. But in the end you have to know that you did what you could and tried as hard as you knew how to try...I will be thinking of you and look forward to seeing how things progress for you.
seek, that is what keeps me going to. I am an action oriented person. I have to feel like I am doing something. I really feel like even though I am pretty dark right now, it is an action that I am controlling. I feel much more in control of myself.
Gypsy, that yoga 'edge' sounds like exactly what I am feeling right now. I am right in between uncomfortable and painful. Sometimes my emotions go to the more painful side, but I do my best to get them back over to the uncomfortable side. I know I need to test myself on a personal level and see that I can find my own happiness, with or without H. That is my stretching for now.
BobbiJo, I have been following your thread for a little while now, but I had never posted to it until today. I feel insecure about giving others advice when I feel like I am screwing this up royally myself! lol When I read the developments in your sitch this morning, I just had to post to it. I have learned over the past 2 months that I have to be prepared to see H. If I see him unexpectedly, it always ends in disaster. If you are afraid of the same thing happening with you, I would make sure you at least always know when you will see him so you can be prepared. Those cheeseless tunnels are a killer for me too. I keep taking H's temperature knowing full well that he is completely cold. I don't know why I have kept doing that, but I have been able to resist it recently. I have seen a lot of similarities with your sitch. I had that feeling of "not getting a vote" as well. It is so difficult when my kids are with him, and I miss them like crazy. That is when I really resent him for not giving me a vote. I have to miss my kids terribly, and I did not even choose this. I have just had to let that go, and try to do positive things for myself in those times. I agree that in the end we have to feel like we gave it our all before we can just let go. If I just let H walk away without even trying to make it work out, I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life. That "what if" factor would just eat away at me. What if I had given him more time? What if I had DBed instead of folding my cards? I can't live like that. I don't think I could ever move on unless I knew that I had done everything to make this right. Thanks for reading my sitch. I'll keep posting until I know I have done everything I could.
