No contact from H after the closing on the land. I'm not going to pretend that I was a great DBer while I was there. It was really obvious that I was upset. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. H knew how upset I was, but I don't think he knew what to do about it. When I was leaving I just walked straight to my car and broke down terribly. He followed me to my car and just stood outside my door for a few minutes. I finally opened the car door and asked if he needed anything. He just said that he didn't want to leave without telling me "Bye". So I said goodbye to him and left. He was driving behind me down the main road of our town. I know he knew I was still crying. I was shaking and crying hysterically. I know that he stood by the car because he was worried, but I just couldn't let him comfort me. There was no way he COULD have comforted me anyway. After the closing, I went to pick up my kids at daycare and went to my parents house for the afternoon. I just needed to be around people who loved me. My dad said something that bothered me, but I know how he is. I was telling him how hard it was because I so badly want to work this out. My dad said "Well, you can hang that up. He isn't coming back. Even if he did, you could never trust him again. You'll always be worried that he'll leave again." My dad is just one of those people who doesn't mince words. I know that, so I just let his comment go. He does NOT support me in DBing. He thinks it is a waste of time for me and the kids. On the way home from my parents house the kids and I stopped by our new land. We walked around for a little bit, and they were pretty excited about it. It was nice to just share some joy with them, even if it was bitter sweet. What a rotten day.
Today is a new day. My IC told me that I need to try to monitor what times of day I seem to have a hard time. I have noticed that I really have a hard time first thing in the morning, like right now. I am visualizing my stop sign, and just trying to get through it. I know when I get to work I will stop thinking about H, so I am just focusing on that. Maybe I will get used to this new routine. Perhaps then it won't hurt so bad.
End of day, and H still has not tried to contact me. I guess that is a good and bad thing. I have a support group meeting tonight so I will be out all evening. How was everyone else's day?
Think of the signing of the land asan investment. Both financial and emotional. You can always sell the land and signing it shows YOU that you'll be ok no matter what.
Sorry that your dad isn't being supportive. Sometimes parents tell us things like that because they don't want us to be sad or hurting. They think they are helping.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I started going to a Divorce Recovery class at a local church a few weeks ago. I went tonight, and it was good to talk to other people who are or have been through this. I realized that my sitch is not near as bad as what some people describe. It just gave me some hope that H and I will be able to work things out. Nobody has cheated, there is no physical abuse, no alcoholism, no drug abuse. Just that marital hump that people reach. I had a really good time dishing with some girls about H's etc. It was good to get out.
Well the issues with my family have popped back up. For those new to my sitch, my family is not very supportive in my DBing efforts. They want me to just let this go and move on. I got this e-mail from my sister this morning... How’s your day going? Hey, don’t get mad at mom and me when we don’t necessarily tell you what you want to hear. We are always here for you, and we love you, but we have to tell you as we see it – wrong or right. That’s our responsibility as mom and sister.
Here is how I responded... Here is the deal: it doesn't make me angry at all. I completely understand where you guys are coming from. I know that you guys want me to be happy and healthy as quickly as possible. I also know that the fastest way to achieve that is to just accept this and move on. The thing is, I know it is the easiest thing, but I don't necessarily think it is the RIGHT thing. Does that make sense? I know that if I didn't do EVERYTHING I could to fix my marriage, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I would never be able to move on with anyone else because I would always be thinking "What if?" I don't want to have any regrets. I know it is more painful for me to wait this out and see what Josh does, but I really think that right now that is what I need to do.
The only thing that does tend to bother me is when people (not necessarily you or mom) bad-mouth Josh, and talk about him in really negative ways. That is a hard thing to hear because he is still the father of my children, and in spite of all that has happened I still love him.
Like I said, I understand why everyone feels the way they do, and why they give the advice they do. I just know that right now I am doing the right thing for ME and the kids. To me, that is what is important. I will continue to listen to everyone's advice. I honestly appreciate it, but I have to make my own decisions about my life. I don't want anyone upset with me because I don't take their advice. That is all.
The reason I have seemed frustrated is because I feel like sometimes everyone gets tired of talking about it. It does me good to talk about it, but I don't want to start sounding like a broken record. I get the feeling people think, "Oh lord, here she goes again. Talking about this stupid separation." That is why I have been a little more stand-offish. I get the feeling I am dragging people down, and they are frustrated because I am not taking their advice.
I hope you understand.
I am trying to stifle the sitch with the family, but it is getting so frustrating. I just need some time to work through things on my own, not with them pushing me in a direction I don't want to go. I hope I handled this well. I am very close to my sister, and it upsets me to see her mad at me like this.
Thankfully my family have been quite good. I know how they feel, but I think my mum sees me happier already than I have been for a while, which is something positive to come out of this.
GL and keep doing what is right for you and the kids. The family reaction is what we all get from friends or family and no doubt our other halfs are to, just that they are more likely to listen to it rather than make up their own minds
BEAUTIFUL note to your family! How did you feel writing it, sending it?
My family was the same way, probably still is. "He's gone, he's been checked out for years, he's not coming back." Him living with his younger girlfriend doesn't help much either.
My response to my family when they'd say they were just trying to help was..
"If he was in the hospital in a coma, would you tell me to leave?"
The working on what's going on is as much for me now as it is for the marriage/relationship/future.
The letter was very good. You were honest with your sister.
Most people will tell you to move on. Marriage is disposable in todays society and thats sad. But you have the right to stand for your M and instead of telling you to move on people should applaud you for being strong.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Thanks guys. I know that what I am doing is the right thing for me. That is what is so difficult. Marriage HAS become so disposable in society, and my family is no exception. It seems so normal to people. I hate that.
As for how I felt when I was writing it, I honestly felt a little angry. The way me sis approached it was a little passive aggressive. The original e-mail she sent was just asking me for some advice about how she should dye her hair. I responded with my opinion, and then she responded with this. WTH is that all about? I guess these are some things I have needed to get off my chest. My sister has always been like this. When I tell her something that is going on, her response is almost always something like "Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you know how I feel." It is like a little backhanded comment that she thinks I am making a mistake. She thinks the kids need to really get used to their dad being gone. I don't think I have done anything to make them think otherwise, but I still feel like I am doing the right thing. The passive aggressive behavior just gets to me.
