OK here is my end of day summary. Today went pretty well. I need to register for school this week, so I had to call H to see how much he would be able to help me during evening classes. We chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular. He asked me if I was moving forward with building my house. I told him last week that I was uncomfortable with making such a bold move because I was trying to take my time. I don't want to give him an indication that I am fine moving on without him. So tonight I didn't really get into it because I didn't want any R talk. I just told him that I was waiting for the same reasons we had already discussed. It was fine.
I am closing on my land today. This is so hard for me. I had to call H so he could sign on the paperwork. It was hard because I want him to tell me not to do it. I want him to tell me that I don't need to build another house. I want him to tell me that this whole thing is crazy, and it has gone too far. I know he won't say that, but I want to hear it so bad. I hate this.
It is one of those things that if he goes through with this D, I need to have done. I am still hopeful that he will change his mind about us, but I have to be realistic too. I want to have a nice place to raise my kids. I have been going through the steps of this without much emotion, just like a robot doing the things I know I need to do. It is just that today it hit me pretty hard that I am REALLY doing this. One of those smacks of reality that I thought I was prepared for, but apparently I wasn't. It isn't really about the land at all. I am fully prepared to close on it. It just feels like I am closing a chapter with H. He has told me that the land means nothing. It isn't something we can't sell. If we reconcile we can always sell it for a profit, but actually doing it now is hitting me harder than I thought it would.
It's like when "Kevin" told the kids he was 'dating' a few weeks ago. This isn't a strange bubble I'm living in that will pop and everything will go back to normal. It is what it is.
Must be what's called... reality.
It sucks, but so does having a walrus throw up on you.
Makes sense to clean up and move forward, being the best you can be for yourself and your kids.
Thanks Gypsy. I have calmed myself a bit now. I know I have to be in good spirits when I see him at the lawyer's office this afternoon. I have to be in DB mode.
Well it is done. I am now the proud owner of 3/4 acres of land. If signing on the land was hard, I can only imagine how hard it is going to be once I start building. Sigh...
I guess I can look at this as practice for the really difficult things to come. I don't know if that is much more positive. I am really excited about the land. It is one of the first REALLY independent things I have purchased. I feel pretty strong having done it. I know that I will be OK.
