My response to my family when they'd say they were just trying to help was.. "If he was in the hospital in a coma, would you tell me to leave?"
I have framed things this way with family/friends, too - that I look at this as I would a long-term illness in H. I am lucky that they respect my choices about standing for my marriage - maybe they don't all understand, but they are not trying to push me in any particular direction. I think you wrote a very nice note to your sister and I don't blame you for feeling angry. When I read what she wrote to you
Quote:
but we have to tell you as we see it - wrong or right. That's our responsibility as mom and sister.
I thought - BS! Sounded kind of bossy to me. I want my family/friends to support me, not tell me what they think is best for me to do - or, even worse, be mad at me because I don't accept or agree with the advice. I guess this is why DB and the other "save your marriage" advice that I've read says not to discuss the sitch with others - hard to do though when it helps so much to talk it out. I have a couple of friends in particular who really "get it" - it feels so good to be understood.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
Some interesting things happened yesterday. H came by the office and talked with me for a little while. I was still kinda upset about the whole sister e-mail thing. He could tell I was flustered so he asked what was going on. I told him basically that my family was not supportive of my position with our sitch. I told him about the e-mails and my dad's comment the other day. He was very supportive. He said that my dad is coming from a totally different place. His ex-wife left him after 25 years and 4 kids. He is VERY bitter about that. If I am looking for support from him with the DBing, he is not the guy I am going to get it from. It was nice that H was being so insightful and sweet. We talked a little about my crying at the closing the other day. I told him that it was just hard because I really didn't want things to get this far. He said that he understood why I was upset that day, but that I still have to remember that the land I bought is a good investment. If we get back together we can always sell it or build a spec house on it. He has always wanted to do that anyway.
I also mentioned to him that S5 told me Daddy was going to buy him a snake. He laughed about it and said,"Yes, he says he needs a pet at my apartment." I know that is from a book that S and I have been reading at night called "Two Homes for Tyler". It is about a little boy whose parents are divorce. It stresses that even though things have changed he can still be happy and know he is loved by both his parents. In the book the dad has a cat at his apartment, and the mom has a dog at their house. I guess S thinks his dad needs a pet. I know I wasn't supposed to do it, but I very lightheartedly said,"Just throwing this out there, but what if we do get back together? What are you gonna do with the snake?" H said that I would have to get over it. He would take care of the snake. I would never have to handle it if I didn't want to. I thought that was pretty big that he didn't just tell me that we weren't ever getting back together.
I am taking the kids to the lake in a few weeks. My family rents cabins for Mem. Day weekend every year. I want to bring our ski boat, but I need H to make sure it is running OK first. I asked him if he could come by some time and take care of that for me. He asked if I was planning on doing any fishing while I was up there at the lake. I told him if I had an opportunity I was going to jump at it because I have really been wanting to go fishing lately. I just haven't had anyone to go with. He said, "I'll take you fishing if you want." Wow! Alone in a boat with me?! We'll see if he follows through on that one.
H called later and told me that he was going to loan our ski boat to his brother for the weekend. His brother was going to drive out to the house and pick it up. No big deal. Then a little while later he told me that he was going to go ahead and get the boat for his brother. He drove out to the house himself a few minutes later. I got the boat ready for him. Took the cover off, stowed all the skis and wakeboards away. That sort of thing. When he pulled up to the house he backed up to the boat and then got the kids out of the truck. We chatted for a few minutes, then he told me that he was not taking the boat. His brother had changed his mind about taking it. Why did he drive out there then? That confused me. He said that his brother had just called him when he was right down the road, but still...why come out there if he didn't want to see me.
Anyway, those were my events for the day. Anybody want to give me a read on what he's thinking? I don't think he has decided to reconcile or anything, but I get the feeling it is an option in his mind. That isn't to say he is going to choose that option, but he knows it is there.
Well, keep going there I'd say. He sounds very much confused and maybe the son thing has got him thinking.
You S sounds very intelligent BTW !!! A star in the making.
I would say, keep going as you are, you are slipping in invites for him and he is biting what seems everytime.
Real happy for you, keep going bu ttake it slow and do read to much into it.
(i've also either not read the whole sitch or can't rememeber from all I read, so this is just from the above post)
GL and have a great weekend....
oh, he still came by as he wanted to see you. Ask your son if daddy was using the phone while driving as it's naughty of him ...I.E. did his brother really ring when on route ???
You S sounds very intelligent BTW !!! A star in the making.
He really is. I am so proud of him. He is just the sweetest little boy, and so smart.
Originally Posted By: Arthur
I would say, keep going as you are, you are slipping in invites for him and he is biting what seems everytime.
This is actually a new development. Over the past two months H has been very distant and stand-offish. He just did not seem comfortable around me at all. I think he has gotten to a point where he knows where I stand. I am NOT going to be giving up on us. He has learned to accept that from me regardless of what he thinks is going to happen.
Originally Posted By: Arthur
Ask your son if daddy was using the phone while driving as it's naughty of him ...I.E. did his brother really ring when on route ???
That is a REALLY good idea. I might have to do that. Thanks.
Isn't it amazing how things change when you're in the 'here and now'? Great job!
I wouldn't ask your son about anything that happens when he's with his dad, even if it's about cell phone usage. The kids time with their parent is their time with their parent. The person to talk to is your spouse. Goodness knows I keep accidentally putting the kids in the middle. It sucks not to be part of a whole, but then again, this whole thing is one big learning curve.
Friday was bad for me. I did some MAJOR backsliding. H came by the office (again) and we talked for a while. He says that we have been in contact quite a bit the past week and he really wants me to give him his space right now. I told him that I could do that. There were some tears on my end. H just says that "right now" he sees no future with me. That really hurt. I think me only course of action is to go completely dark again. Like REALLY dark. I just can't keep doing this back and forth.
I took the kids to Houston for the weekend. We went to the Museum of Natural Science. They LOVED it!! We stayed with a friend of mine and did a little scrapbooking last night. (yes I'm a scrapbooker) I realized as I was going through my albums this weekend that there are VERY few pages featuring me with the kids. I have tons with them and H, but since I am the photographer in the house there are precious few of me. At the museum I made a point of getting a few of me in the kids. I decided that even if they are cheesy pics of me just holding the camera out with the kids' heads on my shoulders, I just don't care. I am a part of my family's history. I want to make sure I am in the pictures.
I am having one of those really angry days today. I keep having that thought that if he doesn't want me...then fine...screw him. I can do better than him. Hopefully this will last a little while. It makes it ALOT easier to go dark.
My H is saying the same things. Sometimes I really just hate him. Doesn't it feel like you're sitting on the beach and all these emotions flow over you like the waves.
Sounds like a great time at the museum! I hope you get a chance to do that more often.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
OK, what do you think of this. My therapist was saying that she has concerns that H is going to keep me in this "limbo" state for a LONG time. She is concerned that he will NEVER make a decision one way or the other, and I will have to be the one to eventually file. There are definitely reasons to be concerned about this. H had wanted to separate for a LONG time, but always backed out of it. It wasn't until I finally told him that if he couldn't show me SOME emotion that maybe we should separate. He said he was relieved that I finally was the one to do it. It is like he doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. I am really concerned that we are going to stay like this forever!
OK, what do you think of this. My therapist was saying that she has concerns that H is going to keep me in this "limbo" state for a LONG time. She is concerned that he will NEVER make a decision one way or the other, and I will have to be the one to eventually file.
You'll find there are a few of us on this forum who are in a similar situation. It has been nine months since the bomb with my W, and six months since we separated. We don't have legal separation paperwork in place, much less moved towards divorce. I know she is looking for an easy out with me filing, or taking that step, but unless something drastic happens I'm not going to do that.
I would not anticipate him making a decision. I would think they would rather just rip the Band-Aid off and get the separation/filing/etc done at once, instead of dragging it out.
