Hello and Happy Spring!

[limbo]

Its been sometime since I posted, but thought that I would check in!
H and I are still moving forward together.
We have settled into more of a "normal" relationship, but sometimes feel that we have fallen back alittle with talking, but I am trying to get that back on track, we do sit and talk, and are trying to do it nightly, but its never about us, more about the day, the kids etc. So we need to focus alittle more on the relationship.
We have not been to our core group(with retrouvaille)for sometime, but are going back tonight, so again it should help.
I seem to be getting more settled again, and am not so consumed with what happened and my feeling, they seem to have settle into something that is not so painful, so that is helping!
We are making plans for the upcoming year and next, and so that is a good sign, he does tell me often that he is going no where!
One little note we are getting a new puppy in about 2 weeks! We are getting a pug, and I am so excited!
H never like them and never wanted one, but he saw how much I wanted one and relented, however now he looking forward to it, and is now talking about us getting another one! I knew he would melt being around them!!!
So to all still here and trying, it does work, and even if it doesn't it works on you, it changes you, for the best and thats good too!
I think you will forever have good days and bad days, but its all in how you manage those!
I still hang around here, and I should post more on others links, and am going to try and start to do that more!

Take care to all!!!

[DiDi]

Thanks for posting-- inspiration is always needed around here!

Going to your core group should jump-start that communication track. Not all days are sunshine and rainbows, but the challenges are what keep us growing.


Congrats on the upcoming new addition! Pugs are awesome.

[liz7]

Hey Limbo,

So happy things are going good with ya! I guess it it pretty hard to stay away from all of our friends here!!! I had to get back on too!!! Piecing is hard at times, but we are survivors that is for sure! We have hung in, changed, fought the good fight and we are winning! You keep going strong...and have fun with your new pup..pugs are just toooooooooo cute!

Love and (((((hugs)))))
liz7

[limbo]

Thank you both!!!

A little side note, I email H today, and suggested that the time was right to finally get rid of the elephant in the room once and for all! We come along way, and we need to do this in order to truly move on.
I have never really told h of my feelings, and how thing affected me, and we have never truly talked about the why's. I don't want details of what happened, at this stage there is really no point, I think that would just hurt us both more then anything, but I think its important that we both understand each other now.
I still have alot of issue's and I don't think H realizes the depth of affect this has had, and he needs to hear that. I have of course given some idea over this period, but when most of it was said H was not really mentally able to process, so now is the time.
We have set the talk for Friday evening, and will have a couple of drinks and weather permitting sit out by our outside fireplace.
I believe its time, and if things break down, then it was meant to be and we can move on.

[DiDi]

OOOh, that sounds so nice.

When I go there in my head, and it's less and less, I still don't understand that first moment when he made the decision to give himself to someone else...that's still hard to even type.

I don't think he'll ever understand what this has done to me. Most of the time, I think that's probably okay... maybe even for the best. He carries so much guilt and regret for that period of his life that I find myself comforting him. Go figure.

There are some answers he just couldn't give me. His reassurance and remorse during those talks was essential for me though. I had to establish that we weren't just going to cover it up and pretend it didn't happen, that we had to make sure it'd never happen to us again.

Can't go around it, can't just get over it... gotta work through the pain to heal. I wish you the best!

[limbo]

Thanks Deuxlie

I think that is my big problem, is understanding the why...I can understand the why when it first happened, because our marriage was bad, and to be honest, not sure how I would have reacted if an opportunity had presented to me at that time.
However its after that, he went back to the ow, months later, when everything was getting better, and we were about to go on a family vacation, and the day after coming back tells he was going to leave.
Then he had been in touch with another women who he had a summer fling with when he was 18, and I find an email saying he would be on the next plane to her if she asked and that she was his soul mate. This all happened after we had been on our retrouvaille weekend and said how much things had changed and we were better.
These things rocked me so much, and this is what I need to get across to him, and I need to try and understand, so I don't know how he will react, so only time will tell!

[DiDi]

Gotcha. Sorry I wasn't following too well...
That hurts.

I guess I don't understand the retrouvaille that well because I figured that it was all about communicating and you were going to a core meeting last night. Did you guys go?

It sounds like he was more afraid to lose you than actually look at you back then, or trust his changing feelings. It freaks them out when they realize they love just might love their wife. The withdrawl sets in and some want what they are being denied.. another fix... confusion sets back in. They think they must not really love their wife if they can love someone else... kept a few doors open for a while.

I hope he finds a way to make you understand and you get the answers you need.

[liz7]

Wow Limbo and Deuxlie;

You two ladies are so amazing! You both have such courage, I am working on mine!!!

I do see how important it is to confront the past from your posts; but my question to the both of you is this...what if they are deffensive? My h says things like..."oh I forgot..you are perfect"..well to say the least, that pretty much stops me from talking about it any further with him...and I do believe that it is closure for us once LBS's to know that they are taking accountablity for there part in it and that we can build trust with them again.

love and ((((hugs))))
liz7

[klm]

Hey Limbo,
I just wanted to jump in here and recommend a book to you. I don't know if you have read it but I just got "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass a couple of weeks ago. I have a lot of the same questions as you and it has really helped me work through my feelings.

I also think my H didn't understand the depth of the affect his A had on me. He unintentionaly (I think) made me feel that my feelings were irrational. It was amazing how much that book validated my feelings. It also give you a plan on how to work through those feelings.

I think if what happened is swept under the rug then it will probably happen again...and it will always feel like the elephant in the room. I'm glad he is willing to sit down and talk to you about it, that says a lot.

[limbo]

Liz7 - I think that what are going to try and do is try and not make if confrontational, hence having a drink and sitting outside by the fire, We are going to try and keep it more to feelings, because one think we have learnt and try to stick by from the retrouvaille weekend is that feelings are neither or wrong, they are feelings, and therefore you can't condem someone for those feelings.
I can't guarantee it will stay that way because we are going to be dealing with a very load issue.
I am not going to lay blame and will try and stay away from saying its all your fault...I think that is important, because I don't want to close this door once its been opened, because I believe that doing this will give us greater communication.
But we shall see!

Thanks for the advice KLM, i have heard of that book,but not had a chance to read it.
I do believe that spouses feel that our feelings are irrational or that we are making more of them then we need to, you know blowing it out of proportation, and they need to see that isn't the case! They have no idea what it is like for us, because they can only see it from there own perspective, and maybe that is a 2 way feeling, and so I hope by us both talking and listening it will give us both a better perspective.