The thing that makes me so mad is that I am trying so hard to be understanding and patient with him. He knows that I am giving him all the time in the world to decide what he wants. Yet, he feels this need to try to make me look like the bad guy so that he'll feel better. I can't stand that.
You vented, the artichoke steamed, the pressure cooker spluttered.. You're human!
My new twist is to have zero zip zilch expectation when it comes to "Kevin". It makes disappointment almost a thing of the past. When I do that, I have the opportunity to feel rather than react.
For example, even though I want to see a co-parenting counselor because I think it would be the best for the kids and help me with my trust issues with him, he absolutely refuses.
Okay, I'll try talking to him on the phone, 15 minutes about the kids on a weekly basis. He called, I couldn't do it. Granted I had the stress about my dad and the kids were around, but talking to him just felt icky.
With zero expectations, I didn't worry about what he was going to say or do. I was surprised at my reaction, something I never would have had if I was busy tugging the rope with him. It gives me something to work on to grow and be better. Just because my inner soul finds him icky now doesn't mean I can feed that and lose a chance to be there for my kids.
I guess I do need to lower my expectations right now. I really am just setting myself up for disappointment. That is such a bad thing. If I expect some grandiose gesture from him, I am SURE to be disappointed. To be honest, the anger I am feeling is MUCH easier to be going through than the utter pain of the last few months. I just don't want to feed on my anger for too long. I don't think that is healthy for me or the kids. I feel a little bad about today, but like you said...the pressure cooker needed to sputter a bit. Otherwise I think I would eventually explode, and that would be something I don't know if I could reverse (no matter how hard I DBed).
The thing that makes me so mad is that I am trying so hard to be understanding and patient with him. He knows that I am giving him all the time in the world to decide what he wants. Yet, he feels this need to try to make me look like the bad guy so that he'll feel better. I can't stand that.
I completely get that! You have been at this longer than me so I can only imagine how you feel!!! I am dying after only a few weeks. I have a headache as I type this.
Me=31 H=36 D=4 H dropped bomb and moved out=4/17/08, living with his mother 50 minutes away from home and work.
The thing that gets me through is that I know patience is key in this process. I just have to be patient and sow the little seeds I have planted. Maybe he will see the changes in me, maybe he won't. I just know that the things I am doing right now are for me, and if he wants to be a part of that I would love it. If he doesn't, there is nothing I can do about that. Crying and throwing a fit has done nothing for me but push him further away.
Two months seems like an eternity right now, but I know that in the grand scheme of things it is not that long. I know that people on this board have healed things after much longer than that. No sitch is hopeless. I just keep remembering that.
I'm on month three. Joining Parents Without Partners has been neat because it gives planned family activities with the kids and some social occasions without them. I can get out of the house (at times forcing myself) and am around people who have been through this AND thrive with their children. I am not alone.
The whole idea of feeding or accepting my dark and light side, my higher and lower self has really helped me in the pressure cooker department. The anger and bitterness I was feeling a few weeks ago was shredding me and hurting the kids. Relieving myself of expectations does wonders. They didn't work anyway so why torture myself?
Setting boundaries and writing down the benefits or cons of different actions slowly lays a foundation of how to handle this whole thing. I have almost no contact with "Kevin", unlike your situation. I could go dark and he'd never know the light was out!
Work on healing yourself, loving and protecting your kids and the rest will follow.
Thanks Gypsy. I needed that this morning. I am having a rough day. I'm not even sure what it is. I just can't seem to stop crying. H's grandmother called, and we talked for quite a while. She really feels like once H's mind is made up, that is it. He has decided. He is not the type of person to second guess himself. She feels like the fact that he hasn't even seen an attorney is an indication that he has not made up his mind. She said, "There is always hope for you guys as long as he has not filed." She is the first person IRL to say that to me. It made me cry. It seems like every day that goes by I lose a little more faith in him. I just don't know what is going through his head right now. His grandmother did say that with everything going on with his brother right now, he has a heavy burden to bear at work and with his family. She said she doesn't think he even has an opportunity to focus on our current sitch because he is so wrapped up in all this crap with his brother. I hate that I can't be there for him with this, but I just can't. He doesn't want my help. Hopefully, I will settle down a bit this morning.
Are you his yo-yo or are you your own pogo stick? That came to me and I thought I'd share it!
There's always hope if you want it. Hope is a choice, a belief. It's nice to hear other people say things, but it's yours to own or release.
Crying is good, crying is wonderful. Crying lets the boo-boos out and the hurt heal. I'm writing a prescription for you to cry allllllllllll day.. as long it's the tears flowing like an open faucet and not all the 'I'm gonna die" sobs.
Big deal.. "He's decided".. when did he become a minor deity? It isn't what he decides or the stuff with his brother, it's what YOU find to be whole, healthy and brings joy to your life.
So he's stubborn, confused and making your life a living hell.
You're an incredible woman, a phenomenal mom, you make things happen. It isn't about HIM.. it's about you. You are the one who is the shining light, you hold the joy and hope in your heart. This is your life to live not his to destroy.
To answer your question, I am my own pogo. *big eyeroll here* I have a new emotion every five seconds. It has almost nothing to do with his actions. I just let myself get worked up over little thoughts in my head. That is bad, I know, but man it is hard to get those thoughts out of there.
You know, if you are giving me a prescription for tears, you shouldn't build me up like you just did! lol I am feeling better already! I am just gonna keep trucking along like I have been. H called a little while ago. I told him that I was sorry I got upset yesterday. I told him it just really hurt my feelings that he was angry over nothing. I have been very patient and understanding (at least outwardly) about what he is going through, and I expect him to respect me for that. He said he knew, and he was sorry too for getting upset. That was it.
By the way, anyone can answer this question. Why do we not have PM capabilities? I have wanted to PM a few people (Gypsy, jeninven, Shattered), but I can't do it. What is that about?
